Ever wondered what it takes to build a successful and lasting marriage? How about the role of friendship in marriage or how to prevent your marriage from becoming a divorce statistic? Intrigued by what the Seven Principles for a successful marriage are? Let's unlock these mysteries together.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Seattle's Love Lab has been an epicenter of innovative research about marriage and divorce for over 16 years. The lab, disguised as a cozy apartment with a scenic view, has hosted fifty married couples who agreed to live their normal lives under the watchful eye of cameras, microphones, and physiological sensors. This intimate observation has provided valuable data on the complex dynamics of marriage.

The research has debunked several popular myths about marriage. For instance, it's not about resolving conflicts or improving communication skills, but rather about nurturing a deep, mutual bond. Successful marriages are not devoid of conflicts or arguments; instead, they are marked by the presence of "repair attempts" - efforts to prevent negativity from escalating. 

The research also revealed some startling statistics. The ability to predict divorce with 91% accuracy was alarming. But more importantly, the understanding that most marital arguments cannot be resolved was eye-opening. This realization led to a shift in perspective - from trying to resolve issues to honoring and respecting each other despite differences.

These revelations led to the development of the Seven Principles for a successful marriage. These principles are based on cultivating emotional intelligence, fostering mutual respect, understanding each other's dreams, and sharing a sense of purpose. The foundation of this approach lies in strengthening the friendship between the partners.

So, are you ready to explore these principles? Ready to unlock the secrets to a lasting, happy marriage? 

Can the Seven Principles Predict the Success of Your Marriage?

Dr. Rory was a renowned pediatrician whose dedication to his work had him spending an average of twenty nights a month at the hospital. Despite being a workaholic, he was a man of warmth, humor, and charm. 

However, his dedication to work caused a disconnect between him and his family. Rory was so engrossed in his work that he didn't even know the name of his family dog or how to find the back door of his house. This situation left his wife, Lisa, feeling unappreciated and emotionally distant from Rory.

This highlights a common problem in many marriages - lack of attention to details about their spouse's life. It's essential for couples to have a richly detailed love map, a term used to refer to the part of your brain where you store all relevant information about your partner's life. This includes knowing each other's preferences, fears, hopes, and dreams. This is the first principle of making a marriage work.

For example, a husband might know his wife's favorite TV show and would tape it for her if she's working late. Or a wife might know exactly how her husband is feeling about his boss. 

The importance of having a detailed love map becomes evident during stressful events and conflict. For instance, the birth of a first child can cause marital dissatisfaction and divorce in many couples. However, couples with detailed love maps from the beginning are better equipped to handle such changes.

Let's take Maggie and Ken, who despite their short relationship, had a deep connection with each other. When they had their daughter, Alice, Maggie decided to leave her job and focus on her baby. This change confused Ken initially, but because they were in the habit of staying deeply connected, Ken was able to keep up with Maggie's changes. This deep connection allowed them to transition into parenthood together without losing sight of each other or their marriage. 

Have you ever thought about what your partner's day was like or who their best friends are? Have you ever wondered about their life dreams or their work stressors? These are the type of questions that help create a detailed love map. The more detailed your love map, the more prepared you are to deal with any major changes in your life, such as the birth of a child, a job change, a move, illness, or retirement. 

First principle: The Importance of Knowing Your Partner Inside Out

Meet Rory and Lisa, a couple whose marriage teetered on the brink of divorce. Rory, a work-obsessed doctor, was oblivious to his wife's needs, a neglect that eventually led to a marital crisis. However, their relationship began to transform when they started to recall the fond memories of their early years together, revealing glimpses of fondness and admiration.

Lisa, from a traditional Armenian home, had been a sheltered woman. Rory, on their first date, was aware of this and knew winning her over would be a marathon, not a sprint. This early tale of patience and commitment left Lisa beaming. It shone a light on the fondness and admiration that had been buried under years of resentment. 

This story illustrates that even in the face of seemingly insurmountable challenges, a flicker of fondness and admiration can revive a relationship. But what if you're struggling to recall such moments of affection? 

One way is to revisit your shared history. Ask yourself: 
• What were the happy times in your relationship? 
• How did you weather the tough times? 
• What values and goals do you share? 
Even seemingly simple questions like these can reignite the embers of fondness and admiration. 

Remember, a happy marriage isn't about the absence of conflict. It's about remembering why you fell in love in the first place, and maintaining a deep-seated sense of respect and affection for each other, even in the face of adversity. If you can do this, your relationship is more than salvageable - it's on the path to becoming stronger than ever. 

Second Principle: Can Recalling Fond Memories Save Your Marriage?

Have you ever wondered the secret to a thriving, long-lasting relationship? It's not grand gestures or expensive vacations. Instead, it's the small moments of connection, or "turning towards" each other, that truly matter in sustaining a happy marriage. 

In a typical scene in the "Love Lab," a husband comments on a boat outside the window, and his wife responds by connecting it to a shared memory. This seemingly mundane chitchat is a powerful sign of a healthy marriage. These small moments of connection, or "turning towards" each other, are often missing in unhappy marriages. 

While Hollywood might have us believe that grand gestures are the key to keeping the romance alive, real-life romance thrives in the everyday grind. It’s the small acts of kindness and understanding, like picking up bleach from the supermarket or leaving an encouraging voicemail, that truly matter. 

These moments are what we call "bids" for attention, affection, or support, and responding to them by turning towards your partner is the basis of emotional connection. It's these little moments that build up your emotional bank account, creating a cushion for when times get tough. So, when was the last time you made a deposit into your partner’s emotional bank account?

Ponder on this: Do you enjoy doing small things together? Do you look forward to spending your free time with your partner? Do you feel that your partner values your views? If you answered “yes” to these questions, you’re likely on the right track. 

But what if you're feeling rejected, or overwhelmed by your spouse's need for closeness? The best thing you can do for your marriage is to communicate. Share your feelings, identify triggers, and consider if your reactions are rooted in your past. After all, reality is subjective, and your partner's perspective on things may be different from yours. 

Start today – make a conscious effort to turn towards your partner in the small, everyday moments. Engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day, focusing on being supportive rather than giving unsolicited advice. 

Remember, a strong friendship is the backbone of a happy marriage. It can balance power, prevent differences from overwhelming your relationship, and build a deep bond of camaraderie. 

Third Principle: Turning Towards Each Other

Let's imagine a scene. Jack is considering buying a used car. He likes it, but wants a mechanic to inspect it first because his wife asked him to. The seller asks surprisingly "You let your wife tell you what to do about cars?". "Sure," replies Jack, "Don't you?". The seller admits he's divorced. Jack thinks, "Maybe that's why". 

This conversation highlights an important principle in relationships: accepting influence from your partner. In a long-term study of 130 newly-wed couples, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier marriages and were less likely to divorce. In fact, when a man resists sharing power, his marriage has an 81% chance of self-destructing. 

It's not about men being dominated by their wives. It's about respect, honor, and mutual decision making. It’s about understanding your partner's feelings and opinions and incorporating them into your decisions. Jack, for instance, respects his wife's opinion enough to get a mechanic's check on the car. 

Now the media might have you believe that accepting influence means giving up all personal power. But that’s far from the truth. The happiest marriages are those where the husband respects his wife and doesn't resist power sharing and decision making with her. 

Think about it. Would you really want to make decisions that leave your partner feeling disrespected? 

Take the example of a software engineer named Chad. He considers himself a feminist but when he announced he’d have to work all weekend without considering his wife Martha's plans, it’s clear he's not taking her feelings into account. 

The bottom line is, husbands put their marriage at risk when they escalate conflicts. It’s not just about avoiding conflict, it’s about accepting your partner's influence. 

Fourth Principle: Are You Risking Your Marriage by Not Sharing the Driver's Seat?

In every marriage, conflict is inevitable due to the differing opinions, personality quirks, and values each individual brings. All marital conflicts can be classified into two categories: those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual and will always be a part of your lives. Learning to identify which type of conflict you're facing can help you develop effective coping strategies.

A majority of marital conflicts, about 69%, are perpetual. These problems can range from differences in wanting children, frequency of sex, approaches to housework, religious upbringing of children, or even parenting styles. Despite these problems, many couples remain happy in their marriages because they've learned to manage these issues without letting them overwhelm them. They keep these problems in their place and maintain a sense of humor about them.

Contrary to what many therapists suggest, you don't necessarily have to resolve all your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive. In fact, some couples have found ways to live with these conflicts and approach them with good humor. An example of this is a couple who have an ongoing conflict over the husband's reluctance to join family outings. They haven't solved the problem, but they've learned to live with it and approach it with good humor.

However, if perpetual problems become gridlocked, they can kill the relationship. Couples in gridlock have the same conversation about the problem repeatedly, resolving nothing and feeling increasingly hurt, frustrated, and rejected. Over time, they can become emotionally disengaged from each other, leading to loneliness and the death of the marriage.

On the other hand, solvable problems may seem simpler but can still cause significant pain if not effectively managed. These problems are usually situational and don't carry any underlying conflict. For instance, disagreements over driving speeds or morning routines can be resolved by learning effective communication and compromise techniques.

In the end, understanding the type of conflict in your marriage is crucial for its success. Choosing the right strategies to handle these conflicts, whether they are solvable or perpetual, and maintaining a sense of humor can be the key to a thriving marriage. But above all, accepting your partner's personality and communicating effectively is the foundation for resolving any conflict. 

Marital Conflict: Navigating Perpetual and Solvable Problems for a Thriving Relationship

In a marriage, problems are inevitable. The key to a lasting relationship isn't to avoid problems, but to resolve them effectively. This involves five steps: 
• Softening your problem startup, 
• Learning to make and receive repair attempts, 
• Soothing yourself and each other, 
• Compromising, and 
• Being tolerant of each other's faults. 

When addressing a problem, it's crucial to start the conversation gently, without criticism or contempt, but with a complaint about a specific issue. This is known as a 'softened startup'. If the conversation becomes heated, it's important to make 'repair attempts' - statements or actions that prevent negativity from escalating. These can range from humor or affection to simply suggesting a break.

If the discussion becomes too intense, it's essential to find ways to calm down. This 'self-soothing' can involve anything from deep breathing exercises to visualizing a peaceful scene. Once calmer, you can then work on soothing each other. This not only helps to defuse the situation but also strengthens your bond as a couple.

Next, find a compromise. This doesn't mean one person giving in to the other, but rather finding a solution that you can both live with. Remember, compromise is only possible when both partners respect each other's opinions and are open to influence. 

Finally, be tolerant of each other's faults. No one is perfect, and expecting your partner to change is not the solution. Instead, accept their flaws and find ways to accommodate each other.

Remember, the goal isn't to avoid conflict, but to deal with it in a way that strengthens your relationship, rather than weakens it. So next time you face a disagreement, why not try these steps? You might be surprised by how much they improve your communication and deepen your bond.

Fifth Principle: Solving the problems

Problems occur in every relationship, but how we respond to them can either make or break the bond. The most common areas of disagreement in marriages include work stress, money, sex, housework, in-laws, and parenting. These conflicts may seem perennial, but they are integral to the growth and deepening of a relationship. How can we negotiate these pain points and build a more satisfying partnership?

Regarding work stress, it's crucial to create a sanctuary from the outside world within your marriage. Couples like Stephanie and Todd, who bring their work stress home, risk sabotaging their relationship. The solution is simple: create time to decompress individually and then come together to discuss your day. 

In-law issues, on the other hand, require establishing a sense of solidarity between husband and wife. Often, the wife feels caught in a turf battle with her mother-in-law for her husband’s attention. The key here is for the husband to affirm his wife's precedence in his life, establishing a sense of "we-ness."

Money can also be a source of conflict in marriages. It's important to have a clear understanding of your financial situation and to work together to create a budget that suits both partners. 

Sex, an area fraught with vulnerability, requires open and gentle communication. A satisfying sex life comes from understanding and catering to each other’s desires and preferences.

Housework should also be shared fairly. Studies show that when men do their fair share, women report a more satisfying sex life and overall marriage.

Finally, transitioning from couplehood to parenthood is an emotional journey that can strain a relationship. The key to staying connected is for both partners to experience the transformation together, focusing on their marital friendship, involving the father in baby care, and carving out time for each other.

Navigating these hotspots requires understanding, patience, and compromise. Remember, no conflict is unsolvable if both partners are willing to work together towards a resolution. 

Negotiating Relationship Hotspots: A Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage Amidst Common Conflicts

Have you ever felt hopelessly stuck in a disagreement with your partner? Well, you're not alone. The key to overcoming gridlock is understanding its cause. These are often unfulfilled dreams or aspirations that aren’t being addressed or respected by your partner. They could be practical, like wanting to save a certain amount, or profound, like a deep need for security. Many of these dreams are rooted in our childhood experiences, shaping our aspirations or habits.

Consider Ed and Luanne's case, they argued over selling Luanne's horse, Daphne, which Ed saw as a financial burden. With some guidance, they understood that Daphne symbolized Luanne's cherished dream of competing in horse shows. Once Ed understood this, he supported Luanne's dream, and that was a turning point in their marriage.

Then there's Katherine and Jeff, who gridlocked over their child's religious upbringing. After discussing what religion symbolized for each of them, they understood the hidden dreams fueling the conflict and were able to negotiate a compromise that respected both their visions.

Here's a way to overcome gridlock in your relationship:

1. Become a dream detective: Identify the dream fueling the conflict. If you find yourself blaming your spouse as the sole source of the problem, that's a sign of a hidden dream.

2. Work on a gridlocked marital issue: Choose a specific conflict and write an explanation of your position, focusing on your desires and feelings, not your anger towards your spouse. Then, write the story of the hidden dreams underlying your position.

3. Soothe each other: Discussing our dreams can be stressful. Take a break for some soothing before you dive into the problem.

4. End the gridlock: Define the nonnegotiable areas and the areas where you can be flexible. Then, devise a temporary compromise and try it for about two months. The goal is not to solve the conflict but to make peace with it.

5. Say thank you: Finish on a positive note. Express gratitude for three things you appreciate about your spouse.

Remember, overcoming gridlock is a process. It's not about solving the problem, but understanding and respecting each other's dreams. And remember, it's okay to not agree on everything. The goal is to create a safe space to talk about your differences and dreams, and learn to live with them. 

Sixth Principle: Are You Ready to Break the Relationship Gridlock and Uncover Hidden Dreams?

Helen, a self-proclaimed "devout feminist," struggled with the superficiality of her marriage to Kevin. Despite their love, they felt more like roommates than life partners. 

After attending a workshop, Helen realized what was missing in their relationship: a shared meaning. She yearned for a deeper connection that transcended raising kids and sharing chores. She desired to create an inner life with Kevin, a unique culture that encompassed their shared dreams, values, and goals.

Just like Helen and Kevin, many couples might find themselves asking, "Is that all there is?". This question often arises when a relationship lacks a deep sense of shared meaning. To counter this, couples need to create their own micro culture, complete with customs, rituals, and stories that define their marriage.

Take the example of Paula and Doug, who were both considered the least likely to succeed among their siblings. Despite the low expectations, they managed to create a stable marriage, raise great kids, and maintain steady jobs. Their shared narrative of defying the odds and succeeding forms a crucial part of their marriage's culture.

Creating shared meaning doesn't mean couples have to agree on every aspect of their life's philosophy. Instead, they should strive to respect each other's dreams and aspirations. This shared sense of meaning can significantly reduce conflict and prevent gridlock in a marriage. 

Consider Helen and Kevin, post-workshop. They began to explore their family histories, values, and symbols together. Helen shared stories about her great-grandparents' loyalty, which she cherished as a cornerstone of marriage. Kevin reminisced about his grandmother's generosity during the Depression, a value he carried into adulthood. This open communication about their values and stories strengthened their bond and enriched their shared culture.

Now, ask yourself, how well do you and your partner create shared meaning in your lives? Do you have shared rituals, similar roles, common goals, and meaningful symbols? Reflecting on these questions can help you assess the depth of your shared meaning and identify areas for improvement.

But remember, it's perfectly okay not to see eye to eye on every philosophical or spiritual aspect of life. What's crucial is to create an atmosphere that encourages open and respectful conversation about your deeply held beliefs. After all, marriage is more than just sidestepping conflict; it's about finding common ground on life's fundamentals and building a richer, more meaningful relationship. 

Seventh Principle: Creating Shared Meaning

The research at Love Lab has brought forward several insights that debunk popular myths about marriage and divorce. The success of a marriage is not dependent on resolving conflicts or improving communication skills, but rather on nurturing a deep, mutual bond. 

Arguments or conflicts in a marriage are not a sign of failure; instead, the presence of "repair attempts" that prevent negativity from escalating symbolizes a successful marriage. The lab's findings led to the development of the Seven Principles for a successful marriage that includes fostering mutual respect, understanding each other's dreams, and sharing a sense of purpose. 

The research also revealed some startling statistics, like the ability to predict divorce with 91% accuracy. But more importantly, it brought forth the understanding that most marital arguments cannot be resolved and the emphasis need not be on resolving issues but on honoring and respecting each other despite differences.

The role of friendship in marriage is critical and often overlooked. A deep, mutual friendship fuels the flames of romance by keeping negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming the positive ones. The key to fostering this friendship lies in understanding and applying the Seven Principles. These principles, which are backed by rigorous scientific data, are the cornerstone of a successful marriage. 

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