Curious about how to transform your leadership style with the power of coaching? Want to learn how to apply theories from renowned experts like Daniel Goleman, Leo Babauta, and Charles Duhigg to your management practices? Intrigued by the idea of fostering autonomy, focus, and connection in your workplace? Ready to dive into seven essential questions that form the cornerstone of effective coaching?

The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

In today’s high-pressure business world, coaching has become a buzzword, yet its practical application remains elusive. Daniel Goleman, in his seminal Harvard Business Review article “Leadership That Gets Results,” identified coaching as one of six essential leadership styles with a “markedly positive” impact on performance and culture. However, it’s the least-used style because leaders often feel they lack the time for the “slow and tedious” work of coaching.

Research by BlessingWhite found that while 73% of managers had some form of coaching training, only 23% of those being coached felt it significantly impacted their performance. This disconnect stems from training that is often too theoretical, failing to translate into actionable steps. Moreover, the shift from giving advice to asking questions can feel like a loss of control, making it difficult to adopt this new behavior.

At Box of Crayons, Michael Stanier, the author, and his team have trained over ten thousand managers in practical coaching skills. He believes coaching can be simple and effective, taking just ten minutes or less and should be a daily, informal act. The goal is to build a coaching habit, which benefits not only those being coached but also the coaches themselves by breaking vicious cycles of overdependence, overwhelm, and disconnection.

Consider three common workplace issues: creating overdependence, getting overwhelmed, and becoming disconnected. Coaching helps by fostering autonomy, regaining focus, and reconnecting to meaningful work. To build a coaching habit, understanding and using the mechanics of habit formation is crucial. You need a reason, a trigger, a micro-habit, effective practice, and a plan.

Leo Babauta suggests making a vow connected to serving others. Charles Duhigg emphasizes identifying trigger moments to change behavior. B.J. Fogg’s work recommends defining new habits as micro-habits taking less than sixty seconds. Dan Coyle’s concept of “Deep Practice” involves small, repeated actions, and Jeremy Dean advises planning for setbacks.

The New Habit Formula combines these insights: identify the trigger, recognize the old habit, and define the new behavior. For instance, if you typically give advice when frustrated, your new habit could be asking, "What ideas do you have now?"

Building a coaching habit is challenging but rewarding. Start small, buddy up for support, and be resilient. As Winston Churchill said, “We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.” Shape your leadership style with the right coaching habits, starting with the first question you ask. Let's explore the Seven Essential Questions that form the cornerstone of effective coaching.

Can Coaching Become an Effective Daily Habit in Today's High-Pressure Business World?

Have you ever struggled to start a meaningful conversation? Imagine managers who don't coach often because they don't know how to begin. They might fall into the traps of the Small Talk Tango, the Ossified Agenda, or the Default Diagnosis.

Small Talk Tango is when you spend too much time on trivialities, like the weather, instead of diving into meaningful dialogue. Ossified Agenda refers to repetitive meetings that drain energy and focus on outdated agendas. Default Diagnosis is when you jump to conclusions without really understanding the issue at hand.

So, how do you break free from these traps? Enter the Kickstart Question: "What's on your mind?" This question is a perfect balance—open enough to invite genuine concerns but focused enough to avoid wandering. It encourages people to discuss what truly matters to them, be it excitement, anxiety, or something that keeps them up at night.

To deepen the conversation, use the 3P Model: Projects, People, and Patterns. Projects focus on the task at hand, People on relationships, and Patterns on recurring behaviors. This model helps shift from mere performance coaching to development coaching, fostering growth and self-awareness.

For example, when someone responds to "What's on your mind?" with a project issue, you can guide the conversation through the 3Ps. Ask about any people-related challenges or patterns that might be hindering progress. This approach ensures a robust and meaningful dialogue.

Nancy Willard once said, "Answers are closed rooms; questions are open doors that invite us in." Indeed, asking the right question can transform a conversation. The Kickstart Question and the 3P Model can dissolve superficial chatter, outdated agendas, and hasty conclusions, leading to impactful coaching moments.

Remember, like a James Bond movie that jumps straight into action, your questions should cut to the chase. Ask directly, "What's on your mind?" and then listen. This simple yet powerful question can turn any mundane conversation into an opportunity for genuine connection and development. So, next time, skip the small talk and dive right in.

Unlocking Powerful Conversations: The Art of the Kickstart Question and the 3P Model

Imagine a magician pulling coins out of thin air, one after another. Now, picture a coaching question that works similar magic, generating wisdom and possibilities effortlessly. The question? "And what else?" (known as the AWE question).

This simple, three-word question has transformative power. When you ask "And what else?", you invite deeper thinking, more options, and better decisions. Like TV pitchman Ron Popeil's famous line, "But wait, there's more," this question encourages people to go beyond their first answer, often leading to richer and more thoughtful responses.

Research by Paul Nutt shows that decisions made with binary choices (yes/no) fail over 50% of the time. However, introducing just one more option significantly lowers the failure rate. "And what else?" helps generate these additional options, leading to better outcomes.

The question also tames the "Advice Monster" in us. We often rush to give advice, but research shows that doctors, for instance, interrupt patients after just 18 seconds. Asking "And what else?" encourages us to stay curious and listen, rather than jumping in with solutions.

"And what else?" is also a secret weapon for buying time. If you need a moment to think, this question gives you that pause without breaking the flow of conversation. 

To make the most of this question, follow these tips:
1. Stay Curious and Genuine: Don't just ask it; mean it.
2. Ask It Multiple Times: Three to five times is usually effective.
3. Recognize Success: When someone says, "There is nothing else," you've reached a good stopping point.
4. Move On When Needed: If the energy dips, it's time for a new question.

However, be mindful of overloading with options. Barry Schwartz's "Paradox of Choice" study showed that too many choices can lead to paralysis. Aim for three to five options to keep it manageable.

"And what else?" can be seamlessly integrated into various conversations, whether it's a weekly check-in or a brainstorming session. It keeps people generating ideas and prevents you from slipping into advice mode too soon.

Science backs the effectiveness of this question. Studies show that reconsidering answers and promoting higher-level thinking improve accuracy and understanding. Even three-year-olds, when asked follow-up questions, reveal more than initially stated.

Lastly, beware of rhetorical questions that disguise advice. If you have an idea, wait and ask "And what else?" first. If the idea doesn't emerge, offer it as a suggestion, not a disguised question.

Can a Simple Three-Word Question Transform Your Conversations and Decision-Making?

In the world of science, some of the greatest discoveries happened by accident. William Perkin, while aiming to cure malaria, stumbled upon the first synthetic dye. Andrew Fleming, after leaving his lab in disarray, discovered penicillin. Even the ubiquitous Post-it Note and Viagra were results of failed experiments with entirely different goals. However, in organizational settings, such serendipity is rare. Instead, we often find ourselves misallocating time and resources to solve the wrong problems.

Why does this happen? It's because we’re conditioned to jump into problem-solving mode at the first sign of an issue. This knee-jerk reaction can lead us down three problematic paths: solving the wrong problem, doing our team’s work for them, or failing to solve the problem entirely.

The real solution lies in asking the right questions. Instead of diving into the first problem presented, we should ask, "What’s the real challenge here for you?" This question helps slow down the rush to action and uncovers the true issue at hand.

Consider the case of Proliferation of Challenges. When someone lists multiple problems, resist the urge to tackle the first one. Instead, ask them to identify the most pressing challenge. This narrows the focus and prevents overwhelm.

Then, there’s Coaching the Ghost. When discussions revolve around someone not present, bring the focus back by asking, "What’s the real challenge here for you?" This shifts the conversation from gossip to actionable insights.

Finally, there’s Abstractions and Generalizations, where conversations stay vague and high-level. Ground the discussion by again asking, "What’s the real challenge here for you?" This makes the problem specific and personal.

These techniques not only clarify the real issues but also promote team development. Adding "for you" to questions personalizes the problem-solving process, leading to quicker, more accurate resolutions. Research even supports this approach, showing that personalizing questions can enhance focus and problem-solving efficiency.

To implement these strategies, remember to use questions starting with "What" rather than "Why," as the latter can put people on the defensive and derail productive dialogue. Combining the first three essential questions—"What’s on your mind?", "And what else?", and "What’s the real challenge here for you?"—creates a powerful script for deep, effective coaching conversations.

By adopting these techniques, you'll not only solve the real problems but also empower your team to develop their problem-solving skills, leading to a more efficient and innovative organization.

Unlocking Effective Problem-Solving: The Art of Asking the Right Questions

Peter Block, a brilliant thinker on workplace behavior, frames adult relationships as taking responsibility for one's freedom. His core question, “What do you want?” often leaves people stumped because articulating true desires can be daunting. We may not know what we really want, fear asking for it, or struggle to communicate it clearly.

Block's “What do you want?”—called the Goldfish Question for its tendency to leave people speechless—gets to the heart of adult interactions. But answering it is complicated by our own hesitations and others' misunderstandings. George Bernard Shaw captured it perfectly: “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Untangling wants from needs, as Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication teaches, helps. Wants are surface requests, while needs are deeper, universal drivers like affection, freedom, and identity. Recognizing these needs can deepen understanding and improve interactions.

By not only asking “What do you want?” but also sharing your own desires, you foster adult-to-adult conversations, enhancing mutual understanding.

Neuroscience shows our brains constantly assess safety through the risk-and-reward response. Engaging effectively involves increasing the TERA Quotient—tribe, expectation, rank, and autonomy. Asking “What do you want?” boosts engagement by making people feel valued and autonomous.

Building the habit of asking “What do you want?” can transform stuck or fraught conversations. It’s a simple but powerful practice. Silence is also key; allowing a few seconds for thought can lead to deeper insights and stronger neural connections.

By focusing on what truly matters and communicating it effectively, we can foster more meaningful and productive relationships.

Can Peter Block's 'Goldfish Question' Revolutionize Your Communication and Relationships?

In the hustle of managing people, you often find yourself caught in a cycle of over-helping, leading to exhaustion and frustration. This paradox of being "helpful" is brilliantly dissected by Edgar Schein, who points out that offering help often elevates your status while diminishing the other's, creating resistance and annoyance.

Enter the Karpman Drama Triangle, a model from Transactional Analysis, where we often play the roles of Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer. Think of those moments when you're sulky, shouty, or even martyr-like. Each role has its own dynamics and pitfalls: Victims feel powerless, Persecutors feel alone, and Rescuers feel burdened.

Consider a typical scenario: You, as the Persecutor, angrily criticize the room setup, your client becomes the Victim, whining about logistics, and then you shift to the Rescuer, offering to fix everything. This constant role-switching is exhausting and counterproductive.

Most managers default to the Rescuer role, constantly jumping in to solve problems. This well-intentioned behavior limits your team's growth and perpetuates the cycle of dysfunction. The antidote? The Lazy Question: "How can I help?" This question forces your colleagues to clarify their needs and stops you from immediately leaping into action.

There’s a more direct version: "What do you want from me?" Though impactful, tone is key. To soften it, preface with "Out of curiosity," making your inquiry feel less like an inquisition.

Worried about unreasonable demands? Remember, you have options: Yes, No, a counter-offer, or simply buying time to think. The goal is to avoid instant problem-solving and instead guide your team to find their own answers. When someone asks for advice, respond with, "That's a great question. What are your first thoughts?" and keep prompting them with "What else?" until they exhaust their ideas.

Building this habit helps you manage the urge to over-help. When tempted to jump in, pause and ask, "How can I help?" This approach not only clarifies the request but also respects your colleague's autonomy.

Research supports this method. Doctors who used open-ended questions like "How can I help?" received longer, more detailed responses and higher patient satisfaction. Applying this in your management style makes you not only more effective but also more respected.

Finally, when you ask a question, truly listen to the answer. Stay engaged, nod, and make encouraging noises. When distractions arise, gently bring your focus back. Genuine listening fosters better communication and stronger relationships.

So, embrace the Lazy Question, step back from the Drama Triangle, and watch as your effectiveness—and satisfaction—soar.

Breaking the Cycle of Over-Helping: Embrace the Lazy Question for Effective Management

Ever get that feeling of being overwhelmed by endless tasks? At Box of Crayons, Stanier helps people focus on what he calls "Great Work"—the work that truly excites and matters to you. Imagine shifting just 10% of your workload to Great Work. But who has the time, right?

In today’s world, being "busy" has become a badge of honor, but it’s a poor measure of success. Tim Ferriss of the "4-Hour Workweek" calls it what it is: laziness. For "working smarter, not harder," let’s get strategic. Michael Porter says, "The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do." That’s where the Strategic Question comes in: "If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?"

Saying Yes thoughtfully means understanding the full commitment. Ask, "What exactly are you saying Yes to?" and then, "What will you stop doing to make this Yes happen?" This involves re-evaluating your projects, managing expectations, and breaking old habits. Think of it as using a 3P model—Projects, People, Patterns.

Sometimes, saying No is necessary but difficult. Bill "Mr. Simplicity" Jensen advises saying Yes more slowly by asking questions to fully understand the request. This not only buys you time but helps you make more informed decisions. 

Roger Martin and A.G. Lafley’s book "Playing to Win" breaks strategy into five questions: 
1. What is our winning aspiration? 
2. Where will we play? 
3. How will we win? 
4. What capabilities must be in place? 
5. What management systems are required? 
They emphasize making tough choices, which aligns with the Strategic Question.

Daniel Kahneman’s work on decision-making highlights biases like the planning fallacy and prospect theory. The Strategic Question helps mitigate these by making us more realistic and mindful of what we hold onto.

So next time you’re tempted to say Yes, pause and ask the Strategic Question. It’s not just about managing tasks; it’s about aligning your commitments with your true priorities. And remember, when someone answers your questions, acknowledge their responses—sometimes a simple "Yes, that’s good" can go a long way.

Could Asking the 'Strategic Question' Transform Your Productivity and Decision-Making Skills?

As a manager and leader, you aim to help your team become more competent and self-sufficient. However, simply telling them what to do doesn't work. Real learning happens when people have the chance to recall and reflect on their experiences.

Academic Chris Argyris introduced the concept of "double-loop learning" where true learning occurs in the second loop—when individuals step back and gain insights from their actions. This is where the Learning Question, "What was most useful for you?" comes into play. 

Neuroscience supports this approach. The NeuroLeadership Institute's AGES model reveals that the act of generating one’s own connections to new ideas significantly enhances memory retention. This is why asking questions is more effective than just giving advice.

In psychology, the book "Make It Stick" emphasizes the importance of information retrieval in learning. Interrupting the forgetting process right after a conversation can help embed knowledge. Asking, "What have you learned since we last met?" at the start of meetings can also reinforce this.

Asking "What was most useful for you?" at the end of a conversation has multiple benefits. It assumes the conversation was beneficial, helps identify key takeaways, personalizes the learning, and provides feedback. It also avoids judgment and highlights your usefulness, which could be crucial during performance appraisals.

To make this a habit, recognize the moments to ask the Learning Question, especially at the end of meetings or conversations. Instead of rushing to wrap up, take a moment to capture the aha moments. You can also apply this to written communication. When faced with long emails, respond with targeted questions to help focus the discussion and save time.

The concept is even backed by research on the peak-end rule by Daniel Kahneman. Ending conversations on a high note, like asking what was most useful, makes the entire experience more favorable and memorable.

By implementing these strategies, you’ll foster a learning environment that encourages self-reflection and growth, ensuring that your team retains and values the insights gained from every interaction.

Boost Performance with the Power of 'The Learning Question': Insights from Neuroscience and Psychology

In the fast-paced business world, coaching is recognized as a key leadership style that significantly boosts performance and culture, yet it's underutilized due to perceived time constraints and a disconnect between theoretical training and practical application. To address this, coaching should be a simple, daily habit, taking just a few minutes to foster autonomy and meaningful work.

Creating a coaching habit involves understanding habit formation mechanics: having a reason, identifying triggers, creating micro-habits, practicing effectively, and planning for setbacks. Starting with powerful questions like "What's on your mind?" and "And what else?" encourages deeper thinking and better decision-making, preventing hasty conclusions and superficial conversations.

Focusing on the real challenge with questions like "What’s the real challenge here for you?" helps in pinpointing the core issue, avoiding misallocated efforts. Asking "What do you want?" can clarify true desires, fostering adult-to-adult, meaningful dialogues.

To avoid the pitfalls of over-helping, managers should ask "How can I help?" or "What do you want from me?" This approach promotes autonomy and prevents becoming overly involved in solving others' problems.

Strategically, it's vital to balance commitments by asking, "If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?" This ensures alignment with true priorities and effective time management.

Finally, enhancing team learning and retention can be achieved by asking reflective questions like "What was most useful for you?" at the end of conversations. This promotes self-reflection, double-loop learning, and better memory retention, contributing to a culture of continuous improvement and effective coaching.

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The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Michael Bungay Stanier

Curious about how to transform your leadership style with the power of coaching?

Want to learn how to apply theories from renowned experts like Daniel Goleman, Leo Babauta, and Charles Duhigg to your management practices?

Intrigued by the idea of fostering autonomy, focus, and connection in your workplace?

Ready to dive into seven essential questions that form the cornerstone of effective coaching?

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#1