Ever wondered why feedback can be a double-edged sword, uplifting at times yet triggering intense emotions at others? Curious about how much our brain wiring and temperament influence our responses to feedback? Intrigued by how relationship dynamics can distort the feedback received? Dive into this deep exploration of the complex world of feedback, featuring real-life scenarios, psychological insights, and practical advice.

Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

Receiving feedback can be a mixed bag. Sometimes, it's uplifting, like when your son’s teacher praises his social skills or when your hairdresser suggests a better hairstyle. But then there’s the tough feedback that triggers intense emotions—confusion, anger, or shame. 

These reactions are often triggered by three main types of feedback triggers: Truth Triggers, Relationship Triggers, and Identity Triggers. Truth Triggers are set off when feedback feels wrong or unfair. Miriam, for example, felt this when her husband said she was "unfriendly" at a family event. 

Relationship Triggers occur when the person giving feedback is someone we don’t fully trust or appreciate, like when Miriam felt unappreciated by her husband. Identity Triggers are about how feedback affects our self-image, making us feel threatened or unbalanced.

To manage these triggers effectively, it’s essential to first understand the feedback. For instance, Kip initially dismissed Nancy’s feedback about his bias during interviews until he understood her perspective and saw his blind spots. It's important to disentangle relationship issues from the actual feedback to avoid switchtracking—changing the topic to our feelings about the feedback giver rather than addressing the feedback itself.

Understanding our wiring and temperament can also help us manage identity triggers. Some people, like Laila, distort feedback and magnify it, which can lead to overreactions. Cultivating a growth identity, where we see ourselves as ever-evolving rather than fixed, can make feedback feel like valuable information rather than a damning verdict.

Ultimately, feedback is a tool for growth. By understanding and managing our triggers, we can engage in feedback conversations more skillfully, learning and improving along the way. This journey is about recognizing our shared struggles and supporting each other in our growth.

Can You Handle Feedback Like a Pro and Turn Criticism into Growth?

In the realm of feedback, reactions vary dramatically. The term "truth triggers" encapsulates the emotional and cognitive responses to feedback that seems incorrect or misaligned with our expectations. This journey explores how to decode feedback, interpret the giver's intentions, and perceive oneself accurately. Feedback is categorized into appreciation, coaching, and evaluation—each serving distinct purposes.

Imagine a father guiding his twin daughters in batting. Annie thrives under his coaching, feeling encouraged and connected. Elsie, however, perceives his advice as criticism, leading to hurt and defensiveness. This scenario highlights the paradox of feedback: one person's constructive coaching becomes another's harsh evaluation.

Feedback, like the reactions to Dad's coaching, falls into three categories, each fulfilling unique roles. Appreciation is about recognition and connection, providing motivation. Coaching aims to foster growth and improvement in skills or relationships. Evaluation delivers an assessment of where one stands, aligning expectations and informing decisions.

Consider a workplace transition post-merger. An employee struggles with the absence of feedback from the new boss. While appreciation is evident in meetings, the real need is coaching to navigate unfamiliar responsibilities in a new role. Evaluation later reassures the employee about their future prospects, illustrating the layered nature of feedback.

Feedback can be misunderstood or misaligned, as seen in a law office where employees seek different types of feedback but receive mismatched responses. April desires appreciation but gets coaching. Cody wants coaching but receives evaluation. Evelyn seeks evaluation but receives appreciation. These cross-transactions underscore the importance of aligning feedback with the receiver's needs.

Notably, coaching inherently carries an evaluative element, suggesting that improvement is necessary. The giver's intended coaching might be perceived as judgment, especially when insecurity or expectations influence the receiver's interpretation.

To navigate feedback effectively, clarity in purpose is crucial. Discussing the intended type of feedback and aligning it with the receiver's needs can prevent miscommunication. Separating evaluation from coaching and appreciation helps maintain focus on improvement and acknowledgment without the overshadowing impact of judgment.

In essence, understanding and aligning feedback types—appreciation, coaching, and evaluation—enhances communication, supports growth, and fosters meaningful connections in both personal and professional settings.

Decoding Feedback: Navigating Dad's Coaching and Workplace Dynamics

Irwin, a supervising attorney, critiques his new hire, Holly, for being too involved in clients' personal lives, urging her to maintain professional boundaries. Holly, having grown up on the streets, believes in deeply supporting her clients and dismisses the feedback. This scenario highlights a common issue: people often reject feedback they perceive as wrong.

We are adept at spotting what's wrong with feedback, whether it's literally incorrect, contextually misplaced, or simply untimely. This skill, however, can hinder our learning. Before deeming feedback right or wrong, we need to understand it fully. Feedback often comes with vague labels like "be more proactive" or "don't be selfish," which can be misinterpreted if we don't dive deeper.

For instance, Irwin’s feedback to Holly about maintaining boundaries meant not giving clients money but connecting them with resources. Holly’s interpretation was to care less, which was not Irwin’s intention. Similarly, Nicholas misunderstood his boss Adrianna’s advice to be "more assertive" on the sales floor, leading to an awkward situation.

To avoid misinterpretations, it’s crucial to clarify feedback by asking specific questions about the observations and the advice. For example, Tom, swamped at work, finds his friend’s advice to "learn to say no" unhelpful until he asks for practical examples on implementing it.

Understanding feedback also involves recognizing differences in data and interpretations. People have different roles, experiences, and perspectives, leading to varied observations and meanings. For instance, Mavis, a lawyer, and Davis, an account manager, have different views on the sales process due to their distinct roles and data access.

Effective feedback conversations, like the one between Paul and Monisha, hinge on curiosity and understanding rather than immediate judgment. By exploring labels, clarifying meanings, and understanding differing perspectives, we can turn feedback into a learning opportunity rather than a point of contention.

Can Clarifying Feedback Transform Criticism into Opportunity?

Annabelle is a superstar in her professional world – quick, creative, and mindful. Her unique blend of analytical prowess and quirky charm seems perfect. Yet, her team is fed up with her. Despite her efforts to foster a happy, productive team, her colleagues find her difficult and disrespectful, as revealed in her 360-degree reviews.

Annabelle's predicament is common. Many of us don't realize how we come across to others. Our intentions often differ from our actual impact. For example, Annabelle’s well-meaning efforts to appear respectful are undermined by her impatience and contempt, which leak through her tone and body language.

This disconnection is mapped out in what we call the "Gap Map"—a tool to understand our blind spots. It shows how our intentions can misalign with our behavior, leading others to form unintended stories about us. Our facial expressions and tone of voice betray our true feelings, which we often can’t see ourselves.

Take Zoe, who prides herself on supporting new ideas but unknowingly shoots them down. Or Mehmet, who misinterprets neutral questions as criticisms. These blind spots are amplified by three key dynamics: emotional math (we discount our emotions, others double them), attribution (we blame situations, others blame our character), and the impact-intent gap (we judge ourselves by intentions, others judge us by our impact).

Seeing ourselves clearly requires honest feedback from others. This means inviting people to tell us how we might be getting in our own way and looking for patterns in the feedback we receive. It’s not about changing how we come across but changing how we genuinely feel.

For Annabelle, this might mean discussing her true feelings with her team or working to develop authentic respect for them. Acknowledging our patterns and seeking to understand the impact of our behavior helps bridge the gap between our intentions and how others see us.

Bridging the Gap: Annabelle's Struggle with Team Dynamics

In the previous chapters, we discussed truth triggers. Now, let's focus on relationship triggers and how our reactions to feedback often stem from our relationship with the person giving it, not the feedback itself. 

Imagine a scenario from the HBO sitcom Lucky Louie: Louie brings his wife, Kim, red roses, but Kim’s feedback is immediate and critical—she doesn’t like red roses. Louie’s reaction is defensive and the conversation derails. This is a classic example of a switchtrack conversation, where the feedback conversation splits into two separate topics, and neither person addresses the original issue.

Relationship triggers can disqualify feedback based on how we feel treated by the giver or what we think about them. For example, we might feel unappreciated or question the giver’s credibility. Even the people we least like or trust can sometimes offer the most valuable feedback because they see us at our worst.

To manage these triggers, it’s crucial to recognize when a conversation has two topics and give each its own track. Additionally, consider the underlying issues or relationship dynamics that may be driving the feedback.

Taking a systems perspective can also help. This means understanding that problems often arise from the interaction between individuals, their roles, and the larger context. For instance, in a marriage, one partner’s stress and another’s snoring can create a feedback loop that exacerbates the problem. By stepping back and seeing the system at play, we can address the root causes and find more effective solutions.

Understanding feedback through a systems lens allows us to see the full picture, reduce judgment, enhance accountability, and uncover root causes. It’s about seeing how our actions and the actions of others create patterns of behavior and finding ways to change the system for better outcomes.

Can HBO's Lucky Louie Teach Us to Handle Relationship Triggers Effectively?

Imagine this: You're always on high alert, scanning for danger. Feedback can feel like a threat, prompting you to question your self-worth. But not everyone reacts the same way. Krista, with her boundless confidence, brushes off negative feedback effortlessly. Alita, a dedicated obstetrician, struggles deeply with even minor criticism. Why is this? It boils down to our brain wiring and temperament, which influence how we handle feedback and recover from emotional swings.

Krista's story is a testament to her resilience and upbeat nature. She once proudly displayed "Honk if you support our marriage!" on her car, soaking in the positive honks from strangers. Even through a tough divorce, she quickly bounced back, finding love again with her current husband. Her high baseline of happiness helps her sustain the positive and recover swiftly from the negative.

In contrast, Alita, despite her glowing patient reviews, is crushed by comments about her tardiness. The unopened envelope of recent feedback on her desk speaks volumes about her struggle. Her lower baseline means negative feedback hits her harder and takes longer to recover from.

Understanding our wiring—our sensitivity, recovery time, and how we sustain emotions—can help us manage feedback better. For instance, those with a high baseline like Krista thrive on positive feedback, while those with a lower baseline like Alita are more affected by negative comments.

Research suggests that our brain's approach-withdrawal system, which helps us seek pleasure and avoid pain, can get tangled when dealing with feedback. Negative feedback, like a red alert, is processed faster and more intensely than positive feedback. Our emotional reactions to feedback can be broken down into three key variables: Baseline, Swing, and Sustain/Recovery.

Some people, like Krista, have a high baseline and recover quickly, while others, like Alita, have a lower baseline and take longer to bounce back. The brain's wiring plays a significant role in these reactions. For example, those with more left-side brain activity recover faster from negative feedback, while right-side dominant individuals struggle more.

Recognizing these patterns can help us manage our responses. Strategies such as being mindful of our feedback footprint, separating our feelings from the feedback, and changing our vantage point can help dismantle distortions and see feedback more clearly.

When it comes to feedback, we often exaggerate its impact. We might see a single criticism as a reflection of our entire self-worth. By preparing for feedback, separating our emotional reactions from the actual feedback, and containing the story to its relevant context, we can better understand and learn from it.

Ultimately, we can't control how others see us, but we can control our reactions. Seeking support from friends and family, practicing self-compassion, and finding humor in our struggles can help us navigate the challenges of feedback and grow from it.

Resilience Secrets: How Krista and Alita Handle Feedback Differently

In previous chapters, we explored our emotional reactions to feedback and how to see feedback clearly. This chapter focuses on building a robust identity that can handle feedback positively. Feedback can challenge or confirm our self-story, making us question who we are. For instance, a heartbreaking experience of placing a parent in a care facility can lead to feelings of guilt and identity crisis, especially when criticized by others.

Our identity, or self-story, is shaped by how we see ourselves—competent, kind, smart. When feedback undermines this story, it can destabilize us. For example, being denied tenure after years of hard work can shatter one's self-view as smart and hardworking. Even minor feedback, like a friend giving away playoff tickets, can affect us.

Our ability to handle feedback depends on whether our identity is brittle or robust. A robust identity sees feedback as a part of growth rather than a threat. This involves giving up simple labels and adopting a growth mindset. Simple labels like "I’m good" or "I’m smart" are all-or-nothing, making any negative feedback feel like a total failure. Instead, we should embrace the nuance and complexity of our identities.

For example, after placing a parent in a care facility, you might feel torn between doing the right thing and feeling selfish. Accepting the complexity of your intentions and actions helps you find balance and learn from the experience.

Developing a growth mindset involves seeing traits and abilities as evolving rather than fixed. Carol Dweck's research with children and puzzles shows that those with a growth mindset see challenges as opportunities to improve, while those with a fixed mindset see them as threats to their intelligence.

To cultivate a growth mindset, we should:
1. Sort feedback toward coaching rather than evaluation.
2. Unpack judgment from the evaluation and focus on assessment and consequences.
3. Give ourselves a "second score" for how we handle the initial feedback.

For instance, hearing coaching in feedback helps us learn without feeling judged. Separating judgment from assessment allows us to understand and improve without taking feedback personally. Lastly, focusing on our response to feedback (second score) helps build resilience and growth.

In essence, shifting from a fixed to a growth mindset and embracing complexity in our identity helps us handle feedback constructively, leading to personal growth and resilience.

Are You Ready to Embrace Carol Dweck's Growth Mindset and Transform Your Identity?

Martin, a seasoned oil driller, is faced with an overdue development plan. After 31 years in the business, he’s tired of setting new goals. He humorously writes that his goal is simply to complete another year safely and productively and to be left alone about his goals. 

This scenario raises an important question: Is it okay to reject feedback? Absolutely. Setting boundaries is crucial for well-being and healthy relationships. Writer Anne Lamott describes how everyone has an emotional "acre" that they can control, including asking people to leave if they overstep.

Three types of boundaries help manage feedback:
1. I May Not Take Your Advice - You can listen but might not follow through.
2. I Don’t Want Feedback About That Subject, Not Right Now - Some topics are off-limits for discussion.
3. Stop, Or I Will Leave The Relationship - If necessary, you can leave relationships that don't respect your boundaries.

To determine if boundaries are needed, consider if the feedback attacks your character, is relentless, or ties your worth to acceptance. 

Common patterns include the constant critic, hate-love-hate relationships, and renovation relationships, where one partner tries to change the other. For example, Henry’s relationship with Isabella deteriorates as her constant suggestions make him unhappy. His friend Rollo points out that if Isabella doesn't care about Henry’s feelings, it’s a red flag. 

When setting boundaries, be clear and appreciate the giver’s intentions. For instance, PJ firmly but kindly tells her department head that his pre-lecture pep talks increase her anxiety. Redirecting unhelpful coaching can also work. Hunyee, overwhelmed by her mother’s criticism, asks for help with making dumplings instead.

Using "and" rather than "but" in conversations can help express complex feelings. Raul, who wants to pursue music against his parents’ wishes, explains his decision using "and" to acknowledge their concerns while asserting his choice.

If you decide not to change based on feedback, mitigate the impact on others. For example, Larry, who decides against ADHD medication, discusses with his family and coworkers how to manage the consequences together.

In short, setting boundaries is essential. Be explicit about your requests, time frames, and consequences. If you choose not to change, work with others to minimize the impact. This approach helps maintain healthy relationships and personal well-being.

Anne Lamott's Guide to Setting Boundaries and Rejecting Feedback Gracefully

In 1995, Toy Story revolutionized animated films with its groundbreaking use of computer animation. This innovation in storytelling parallels the concept of managing feedback conversations, where identifying key moments can guide us through the process. Just as animators create keyframes to map out character movements, we can pinpoint stages in feedback conversations: the opening, the body, and the closing.

In the opening stage, it's crucial to align on the conversation's purpose. Is the feedback a suggestion or a command? This clarity prevents assumptions and prepares us to receive feedback constructively. For instance, receiving a birthday sweater that's too small could be a mistake or a subtle message. Understanding intent helps us respond appropriately.

The body of the conversation involves mastering skills like listening and asserting. Listening isn't just about politeness; it's about understanding the giver's perspective without letting our internal voice overshadow the dialogue. For example, research by Tania Singer shows that empathy can be neurologically shut down when we perceive unfairness, highlighting the importance of consciously engaging with feedback.

Assertiveness allows us to contribute our perspective, adding missing pieces to the puzzle. It's about sharing our viewpoint without dismissing the giver's insights. We must also be process referees, managing the conversation's flow to ensure productive dialogue.

Finally, closing with commitment solidifies what has been discussed and outlines steps forward. This might involve action plans, benchmarks, or procedural contracts. Feedback conversations are not one-off events but part of an ongoing dialogue aimed at mutual growth.

A practical application of these principles is seen in a performance review scenario. By skillfully navigating a feedback conversation, you can move from feeling frustrated about a rating to understanding the criteria and exploring ways to address any concerns. This approach not only enhances personal development but builds a foundation for future interactions.

How Did Toy Story's Animation Breakthrough Teach Us to Master Feedback Conversations?

Five Ways to Take Action to Better Navigate Feedback:

1. Name One Thing: Overwhelmed by his first performance review, Rodrigo felt lost in the charts and feedback. Similarly, in an experiment by Roy Baumeister, participants who resisted chocolate chip cookies (and ate radishes instead) gave up on geometry problems twice as fast as those who indulged. 

This highlights that too much feedback can be counterproductive. To manage change effectively, focus on one significant thing at a time. Ask your feedback giver, "What's one thing you see me doing that gets in my own way?" This approach helps prioritize and streamline efforts for improvement.

2. Listen for Themes: Rodrigo, feeling overwhelmed by vague feedback, sought direct input from colleagues and his boss. He asked, "What's one thing I'm doing that you think gets in the way of my own effectiveness?" By analyzing repeated themes, he pinpointed his tendency to hang back in conversations as a key area for improvement. This approach clarified his focus, making his feedback actionable.

3. Ask What Matters to Them: Sharon, stressed from work, asked her sons, "What's one thing I could do differently that would help you guys?" After some initial unhelpful suggestions, her son Colin revealed that they missed family bowling time. This feedback, though unexpected, highlighted an important aspect of their relationship that Sharon hadn't noticed. This method emphasizes the value of understanding others' perspectives to make meaningful changes.

4. Try Small Experiments: Emily, despite positive feedback on her nonprofit sessions, resisted suggestions to shorten her introduction. Eventually, she decided to experiment with jumping straight into activities. The result was a mix of awkward moments and valuable insights, leading her to a more efficient approach. Similarly, Dr. Atul Gawande hired a surgical coach and saw significant improvements by trying new techniques. Experimenting with feedback, even when unsure, can lead to unexpected benefits and foster a culture of continuous improvement.

5. Ride Out the J Curve: Bernardus struggled to adapt to a new customer tracking system, finding it initially cumbersome. However, understanding the J Curve—where things get worse before they get better—helped him persist. Over time, he became proficient and saw the long-term benefits. Recognizing that initial discomfort is part of the change process can help sustain efforts through challenging transitions.

In essence, navigating feedback effectively involves focusing on key areas, seeking clarity from others, experimenting with advice, and understanding the initial struggles of change. By adopting these strategies, individuals can enhance their learning and improvement processes.

Unlocking Success: Insights from Roy Baumeister and Dr. Atul Gawande

Receiving feedback can be both uplifting and challenging. Sometimes it's a compliment from your son’s teacher or a suggestion from your hairdresser. But tough feedback can trigger intense emotions like confusion, anger, or shame.

These reactions are often due to three main types of triggers: Truth Triggers, Relationship Triggers, and Identity Triggers. For example, when Miriam's husband called her "unfriendly" at a family event, she felt it was unfair (Truth Trigger) and questioned her husband's appreciation (Relationship Trigger), affecting her self-image (Identity Trigger).

To manage these triggers, it's essential to understand the feedback. Kip initially dismissed Nancy’s feedback about his interview bias until he saw his blind spots. It's important to separate relationship issues from the feedback itself to avoid switchtracking—changing the topic to our feelings about the feedback giver instead of addressing the feedback.

Understanding our wiring and temperament can also help. Laila, who tends to distort feedback and overreact, can benefit from cultivating a growth identity, seeing herself as evolving rather than fixed. This makes feedback feel like valuable information rather than a damning verdict.

Feedback is a tool for growth. By managing our triggers, we can engage in feedback conversations more skillfully. This journey is about recognizing shared struggles and supporting each other in growth.

Consider the story of Dad and his twin daughters, Annie and Elsie, at the park. Annie thrives on her father’s coaching, while Elsie feels criticized. This illustrates how different people perceive the same feedback differently.

In workplaces, feedback comes in various forms: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Aligning these purposes and discussing feedback explicitly can help avoid confusion and improve relationships and personal growth.

Annabelle, a professional superstar, faces a common issue—her team finds her difficult despite her efforts to foster a happy environment. This disconnection is mapped out in the "Gap Map," showing how our intentions can misalign with our behavior. Honest feedback from others can help us see ourselves clearly and bridge this gap.

Relationship triggers often stem from our feelings about the feedback giver, not the feedback itself. For instance, in the sitcom Lucky Louie, a conversation derails when Louie’s wife criticizes his choice of roses. Recognizing and managing these triggers can improve feedback conversations.

Our brain wiring and temperament influence how we handle feedback. Krista, with her high baseline of happiness, brushes off negative feedback effortlessly. Alita, despite her positive patient reviews, struggles deeply with minor criticism. Understanding these patterns can help us manage our responses.

Feedback can challenge or confirm our self-story. Developing a growth mindset, where we see traits and abilities as evolving, helps us handle feedback constructively. Embracing complexity in our identity and focusing on growth rather than fixed labels can lead to personal growth and resilience.

Setting boundaries is crucial for well-being and healthy relationships. Rejecting feedback respectfully and managing its impact can help maintain balance. For example, PJ tells her department head that his pep talks increase her anxiety, while Hunyee redirects her mother’s criticism to make dumplings together.

Navigating feedback conversations involves aligning on the conversation's purpose, mastering listening and asserting skills, and closing with commitment. For instance, in a performance review, understanding criteria and exploring solutions can enhance personal development.

Taking action involves focusing on one significant thing at a time, listening for themes, understanding others' perspectives, experimenting with new approaches, and recognizing the initial struggles of change. By adopting these strategies, we can enhance our learning and improvement processes.

In short, feedback is a journey of growth, requiring understanding, managing triggers, setting boundaries, and taking actionable steps. By approaching feedback constructively, we can improve relationships, foster personal growth, and support each other in our shared struggles.

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