Ever wondered why the dream of a leisurely future, once imagined by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, hasn't materialized? Eager to learn how our societal obsession with busyness is impacting our mental and physical health? Interested in exploring how the relentless pursuit of busyness overshadows the benefits of a more balanced, reflective life? Dive into this intriguing and eye-opening examination of our modern relationship with time and productivity!

Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time

It's a typical Tuesday morning, and Brigid is late for a meeting at the University of Maryland with sociologist John Robinson, known as "Father Time." He's challenged Brigid to keep a time diary, convinced that she has thirty hours of leisure time each week despite her chaotic life juggling work and motherhood. As she races to the meeting, her mind is a whirlwind of stress and guilt, reflecting on the countless tasks that seem to evaporate her hours.

Robinson's pioneering research on time diaries has shown that despite feeling overworked, Americans actually have more leisure time than they realize. He believes they exaggerate their work hours to feel important and insists that the time crunch is a perception rather than reality. As he dissects Brigid's diary, highlighting moments of leisure like exercise, reading, and even waiting for a tow truck, she feels disoriented. These activities didn't feel leisurely to her—they were obligatory or stressful.

In pursuit of understanding why leisure feels so elusive, Brigid attends the International Association for Time Use Research (IATUR) conference in Paris. Researchers from around the world share studies on role overload and time stress, revealing that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a global issue affecting both men and women. The conference highlights that societal expectations, particularly around gender roles, contribute significantly to the time strain, especially for working mothers.

Brigid learns that historical perceptions of leisure have always been skewed towards men, with women traditionally seen as part of the laboring class. Kimberly Fisher, a time-use researcher, points out that historically, women found leisure only in roles like nuns, where they could escape domestic responsibilities.

Throughout the conference, Brigid grapples with the realization that achieving "time serenity" requires a fundamental shift in societal attitudes, workplace policies, and family dynamics. It's not just about individual efforts but about creating environments where both men and women can balance work, love, and play.

As Brigid navigates this journey, she seeks stories of people who have managed to knit together meaningful work, quality family time, and personal leisure. The quest for time serenity is complex, but understanding the forces that shape our lives is the first step toward reclaiming our scattered moments and living a balanced life.

Can We Really Unlock 30 Hours of Hidden Leisure Each Week?

President Dwight D. Eisenhower once imagined a future where technological advances would grant everyone more leisure and less toil. Fast forward to today, and it's clear his dream hasn't fully materialized. 

Instead, people like Jane Vangsness Frisch, a Ph.D. student and state worker, and others in a focus group in Fargo, North Dakota, share stories of relentless busyness. Jane, Josh Malnourie, Travis Kitch, and Betsy Birmingham detail how their lives are consumed by work, leaving little time for family or personal pursuits.

Ann Burnett, a professor at North Dakota State University, studies this phenomenon, dubbing it the "great speed-up" of modern life. Her research, including an analysis of thousands of holiday letters, reveals a culture that equates busyness with status and worth. The letters are filled with accounts of hectic schedules and achievements, often turning life into a competitive race of who can be busier.

Burnett's findings show that the societal pressure to stay busy has deep psychological and physical consequences. People feel guilty for taking time for themselves, and busyness is linked to stress-related health issues. Neuroscientists like Emily Ansell at Yale Stress Center have found that chronic stress actually shrinks the prefrontal cortex, affecting our ability to think clearly and manage emotions.

The modern obsession with busyness isn't just seen in work or personal lives. It has permeated every aspect, making even leisure activities feel rushed and obligatory. The leisure industry, once centered on week-long vacations, now markets activities that can be squeezed into a lunch break. Technologies meant to save time often contribute to the overload, with constant notifications and multitasking fragmenting our focus.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that busyness is detrimental, the cultural norm persists, fueled by an underlying need for validation and a fear of idleness. This drive for constant activity leaves little room for the authentic, reflective living that philosophers like Martin Heidegger and psychologists like Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi argue is essential for true well-being.

In essence, the relentless pursuit of busyness has become a badge of honor in modern society, overshadowing the benefits of a more balanced, reflective life. This narrative challenges us to reconsider our priorities and seek a healthier relationship with time.

Eisenhower's Dream Deferred: The Modern Obsession with Busyness and Its Toll

Renate Rivelli loved her job at the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver. She worked tirelessly, often going beyond her duties, even braving snow and ice to ensure things ran smoothly. Her dedication was evident, and she found immense purpose in helping her colleagues, many of whom faced significant hardships.

However, despite her unwavering commitment, Rivelli was blindsided when her employer promoted a less experienced coworker to a new position without giving her a chance to apply. The reason? They assumed she couldn't handle the demands due to her responsibilities as a mother. Feeling betrayed, Rivelli took legal action and won a significant settlement, setting a precedent for family responsibilities discrimination.

This case highlights a pervasive issue in the workplace: the ideal worker myth. This outdated notion expects employees to be fully devoted to work, free from any family or caregiving responsibilities. This standard, rooted in the 1950s, doesn't reflect today's realities where both men and women juggle work and family duties.

Joan Williams, a legal scholar, argues that the workplace is designed around men's traditional life patterns, which is inherently discriminatory. This bias manifests in various ways, from pregnant women being unfairly treated to fathers facing stigma for wanting to be more involved at home.

Studies show that mothers are often perceived as less committed and competent, facing a "motherhood penalty," while fathers might receive a "fatherhood bonus." This bias is deeply ingrained, even influencing hiring and promotion decisions, as seen in experiments where mothers were consistently rated lower than non-mothers.

The ideal worker norm not only affects women but also men who wish to take on caregiving roles. Men like Ariel Ayanna, who sued his firm for firing him after he took parental leave, face significant backlash, highlighting the rigidity of workplace expectations.

Despite evidence showing that flexible work arrangements lead to higher productivity and job satisfaction, the ideal worker myth persists, largely due to entrenched beliefs and biases. Changing this requires a shift in workplace culture and legal frameworks, as well as a broader societal recognition that work and family responsibilities are not mutually exclusive.

Is the Ideal Worker Myth Holding Back Equal Opportunity in the Workplace?

In the early 1970s, a landmark bill aimed to revolutionize child care in America. It had broad bipartisan support and was poised to create a high-quality, universal child-care system. 

However, Pat Buchanan, a staunch conservative, orchestrated a campaign against it, depicting it as a threat to traditional family values. Buchanan's efforts led to a veto by President Nixon, effectively killing the bill and shaping the U.S. family policy landscape for decades. 

This veto has had long-lasting repercussions. The U.S. lags behind other countries in family policies, with no paid parental leave, inadequate child care, and a tax system favoring single-income families. The child-care system remains largely unregulated and prohibitively expensive, often leaving working parents in a lurch.

Despite these challenges, there have been efforts to improve the situation. Pat Schroeder, a former Congresswoman, worked tirelessly to introduce family-friendly policies, transforming the Pentagon's child-care system into a model of excellence. In recent years, grassroots organizations like MomsRising have emerged, advocating for better family policies through local and state initiatives, such as paid family leave and sick days.

One bright spot is California's paid family leave law, which allows workers to take six weeks off to bond with a newborn or care for a family member, funded entirely by employee contributions. This law has been positively received by businesses and employees alike, showcasing the potential benefits of supportive family policies.

The story of the two Pats—Buchanan and Schroeder—highlights the ongoing struggle between preserving traditional family structures and adapting to the modern realities of working families. While the debate continues, the need for a more supportive and flexible system for American families is clear.

The Tale of Two Pats: Buchanan vs. Schroeder in America's Child Care Battle

Eugene O'Kelly, former CEO of KPMG, reflected on work-life balance only after facing a dire cancer diagnosis. He questioned whether a less intense work ethic might have led to greater creativity and productivity. This theme of balance is echoed in the story of Leonardo da Vinci, who believed that genius sometimes thrives on less work.

At Menlo Innovations, a software design company in Ann Arbor, Michigan, a culture of joy and balance reigns. CEO Rich Sheridan, once a corporate America weary, aimed to create a workplace where autonomy, mastery, and purpose drive productivity. This is evident in their non-traditional work environment, where employees, including parents like Greg Haskins, work in an open, collaborative space, often with their children present. The culture encourages creativity through freedom from decision fatigue, and mistakes are seen as learning opportunities.

Menlo's innovative approach extends to flexible scheduling, eliminating the need for constant availability and allowing employees to manage their time effectively. The company's commitment to balance has earned it recognition for its healthy work culture, a rarity in corporate America.

This shift towards balance and flexibility is seen across various industries. From virtual schooling allowing teachers like Teresa Dove to work remotely, to Clearspire, a law firm that redefines traditional work structures, there is a growing trend towards ensuring employees have control over their work-life balance. Even the Pentagon, under Michèle Flournoy, embraced a culture shift, valuing strategic thinking over endless face time.

These stories highlight a movement towards a more humane work environment, one where personal lives are valued alongside professional success. As workplaces evolve, they demonstrate that joy and balance are not only possible but beneficial for creativity and productivity.

Could Embracing Work-Life Balance Boost Your Creativity and Productivity?

Thanksgiving Day was supposed to be a joyous occasion, but for Brigid, it quickly turned into a stress-fueled frenzy. After juggling work and holiday preparations all week, she found herself alone in a chaotic kitchen. Tom, her husband, announced he was off to help a friend with a turkey smoker, leaving Brigid with the mess. This was not new. Over the years, the division of labor in their marriage had become increasingly lopsided, much like many couples she knew.

The "stalled gender revolution" leaves many women feeling overwhelmed, as they bear the brunt of household duties despite working full-time. Brigid was no exception. The imbalance was glaring, but what could she do? She needed help, so she reached out to Jessica DeGroot from the ThirdPath Institute, who advocates for couples to share work and home responsibilities equally.

DeGroot encourages couples to envision a "third path," where both partners balance work, love, and play. She shared stories of couples like Anna and James, who, despite traditional roles, transformed their lives by selling their big home and finding jobs with flexible hours. Marcee and Jon worked on sharing parenting duties more equitably, even as the ideal worker's expectations tugged at them. Laura and Jim battled with the ideal mother's pull, learning to share household responsibilities and cherish family time.

Inspired, Tom and Brigid began their journey toward this third path. They started splitting chores more fairly and making time for each other. They initiated family meetings and shared responsibilities, like getting the kids to appointments and managing household tasks. They even started giving each other "gifts of time" instead of material presents.

The change wasn't easy. They fought and stumbled, but they learned valuable lessons along the way. The Twinkie incident taught Brigid to let go of perfection. Traveling for work helped her realize that the family could thrive without her micromanaging. And Tom stepping up for Camp Del Ray showed her that he was willing to share the load.

They are still navigating their third path, but now they're doing it together. The journey has been challenging but rewarding, as they strive to find balance and happiness in their partnership.

Redefining Thanksgiving: Finding Balance with Jessica DeGroot's Third Path

Karen Graf, a mother of three, epitomizes the modern middle-class American mom. Her days are a whirlwind of responsibilities: getting her kids ready for school, managing errands, campaigning for the school board, and chauffeuring her children to various activities. Despite her relentless schedule, Graf constantly battles feelings of inadequacy, wondering if she's doing enough for her kids.

This phenomenon of “intensive motherhood” isn't unique to Graf. American mothers, whether working or at home, have dramatically increased the time they spend with their children since the 1960s. This rise in "quality" time comes even as more mothers enter the workforce, often sacrificing sleep and personal care to balance both work and family demands.

This pressure to be the perfect mother is pervasive, fueled by societal expectations, media portrayals, and a relentless drive for child enrichment. Whether it's signing up toddlers for Mandarin classes or crafting elaborate birthday parties, mothers feel an immense pressure to provide the best for their children.

The guilt associated with not meeting these high standards affects all mothers, regardless of their work status. Working mothers worry about not spending enough time with their kids, while at-home mothers question if they're making the right choice by not working. This shared sense of guilt leads to a culture of overcompensation, where mothers strive to prove their dedication through intensive parenting.

Interestingly, this intensive mothering isn't just a middle-class phenomenon. Even mothers in less privileged situations, like single mom Elizabeth Sprague, feel the pressure to conform to these ideals. Sprague quit her job because she couldn't bear the guilt of leaving her children in someone else's care.

The roots of this intensive mothering culture are complex, intertwining societal changes, economic pressures, and evolving family dynamics. Smaller family sizes and later childbearing have made each child seem more precious, amplifying the desire to ensure their success.

Yet, this relentless pursuit of perfect motherhood often leads to burnout and a feeling of inadequacy among mothers. The constant comparison and competition, whether online or in real life, only exacerbate these feelings.

Some mothers, like those in the Simplicity Moms group in Portland, Oregon, are pushing back against this trend. They seek to simplify their lives, prioritizing genuine connections and unstructured time over packed schedules and societal expectations. They strive to find balance and create meaningful rituals, emphasizing the importance of being present and cherishing ordinary moments.

Evolutionary anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy provides a historical perspective, highlighting that cooperative child-rearing is natural. In hunter-gatherer societies, mothers were never the sole caretakers; they relied on a network of supportive "alloparents." This communal approach is essential, Hrdy argues, as raising children solely by mothers is unnatural and unsustainable.

Moreover, the role of fathers is evolving. More men are stepping into nurturing roles, challenging traditional gender norms. Fathers like those in the Albuquerque Dads Meetup group are embracing hands-on parenting, finding support and solidarity in each other. This shift towards more involved fatherhood is crucial for achieving gender equity and easing the overwhelming burden on mothers.

Ultimately, fostering "grit" and happiness in children doesn't require adhering to the impossible standards of intensive mothering. Instead, allowing children to struggle, make mistakes, and develop independence is key. Teaching gratitude and savoring small, meaningful moments can lead to happier, more resilient kids—and parents.

In a society gripped by the cult of intensive motherhood, finding balance and redefining success is essential. Embracing a more cooperative, supportive approach to parenting can help mothers, fathers, and children thrive.

Is Karen Graf's Struggle Reflective of America's New Motherhood Crisis?

It’s a rainy Friday afternoon in Copenhagen, and Vibeke Koushede, a researcher at the National Institute of Public Health, is on her way to pick up her children. In Denmark, family time from 5 to 8 p.m. is nearly sacred. Vibeke’s children, Gustav and Bertram, attend a public kindergarten in the countryside, where they play outdoors all day. Danish parents usually work flexible schedules, ensuring they can pick up their children by 4:30 p.m. and spend quality time together.

In Denmark, the concept of "hygge" is central to their way of life. It represents a cozy, content, and simple way of living that fosters happiness and well-being. This philosophy is evident in the Koushede household. Their apartment is open, compact, and playful, with whimsical decorations and a chalkboard tracking family activities. The children participate in household chores, learning that helping out is a natural part of family life.

Vibeke and her husband, Søren, prioritize leisure and personal time. They adhere to an 8 p.m. bedtime for their children, allowing them to spend evenings together. They take short trips to refresh and return to their family duties with renewed energy. Danish mothers, like Vibeke, have the most leisure time compared to mothers in the U.S., Australia, and France. This balance is attributed to Denmark’s supportive work culture, flexible schedules, and generous parental leave policies.

Danish men are highly involved in household chores and childcare, leading to stronger family bonds. Søren, for example, enjoys cooking and spending time with his children, a habit he picked up from his own father. The Danish government supports this balance through policies like paid parental leave and guaranteed childcare, which enable both parents to participate equally in raising their children.

The Danish work ethic focuses on productivity rather than long hours. Most Danes work around 37 hours a week and prioritize leaving work on time to be with their families. This mindset extends to the larger culture, where leisure activities, sports clubs, and adult education classes are commonplace and highly valued.

Vibeke and Søren embody the Danish approach to work-life balance, demonstrating that a focus on family and personal well-being leads to a happier and more fulfilling life. Their story illustrates the broader themes of Danish society: valuing meaningful work, fostering close family connections, and making time for leisure and personal growth. This way of life, centered around hygge, contributes significantly to Denmark's reputation as one of the happiest countries in the world.

Hygge at Heart: Vibeke Koushede’s Guide to Danish Work-Life Bliss

Annie Dillard once said, "The way you live your days is the way you live your life." This thought resonated deeply with Brigid as she found herself in a Time Triage workshop, staring at a blank weekly calendar, completely paralyzed. The task was to design the perfect schedule, but Brigid, and everyone else around her, felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of things they deemed important. 

Terry Monaghan, the productivity expert, explained that time can't be managed; it remains constant. Instead, activities within that time must be managed. Her approach was simple yet profound: prioritize what’s most important. But for people like Brigid, who integrate work and home seamlessly, this prioritization was challenging. Ellen Ernst Kossek, an organizational psychologist, referred to people like Brigid as "fusion lovers," constantly juggling multiple roles without clear focus, often leading to mediocre outcomes.

In pursuit of balance, Brigid connected with women from WoMoBiJos (Working Mothers with Big Jobs). These women, despite their busy lives, didn’t feel overwhelmed. Their secret? Confidence in their choices and a strong support system, both at work and home. They embraced the mantra, "Good enough is the new perfect," which freed them from the mire of ambivalence.

One of the most transformative concepts Brigid learned was from Tony Schwartz’s Energy Project. He emphasized working in pulses—alternating between intense work and rest. This approach aligns with our natural rhythms and enhances productivity. Scientists have found that our brains consolidate new information during breaks, making us more creative and attentive.

Applying these lessons, Brigid began working in ninety-minute pulses, focusing on key priorities and taking regular breaks. She also adopted strategies to minimize decision fatigue, like planning her day in advance and creating rituals that required no decisions, such as laying out exercise clothes the night before.

Despite these changes, returning to her demanding job felt like stepping back into chaos. But Brigid realized the skills she’d learned were still there. By focusing on what’s truly important and practicing self-efficacy, she found more peace and joy in her daily life.

Laura Carstensen’s research on time horizons revealed that as people age, their focus sharpens on what truly matters, leading to greater happiness. This insight, combined with mindfulness practices from Tara Brach, helped Brigid appreciate the present moment and the simple joys of life.

In essence, finding time is not about squeezing more activities into our schedules but about making deliberate choices that align with our values. It’s about embracing life with passionate commitment, even in the face of ambiguity. And sometimes, it’s about simply being present, watching the rain with loved ones, and savoring the moment.

Can Tony Schwartz's Energy Project Revolutionize Your Daily Productivity?

Despite feeling perpetually busy, we might not be as pressed for time as we perceive. The notion that we exaggerate our work hours to feel more important struck a chord with me.

Interestingly, societal expectations haven’t caught up with the realities of modern life, especially for working parents who often feel trapped in a cycle of busyness. The research showed that the ideal of a fully devoted worker, free from family responsibilities, is outdated and discriminatory. It perpetuates a culture where busyness is equated with status, leading to stress and health issues.

Despite the challenges, Brigid learned the importance of prioritizing leisure and embracing fleeting moments. This shift in perspective was echoed in stories of others striving for balance, whether through innovative workplace cultures or adopting flexible schedules.

The pervasive ideal worker myth and intensive motherhood pressures were also eye-opening. They highlighted the need for a more supportive and flexible system that acknowledges the dual roles people play. Stories of workplace discrimination and the historical struggle for family-friendly policies underscored the ongoing battle for equity.

In contrast, the Danish approach to work-life balance demonstrated how supportive policies and cultural values can foster happiness and well-being. Their emphasis on family time, flexible work schedules, and the concept of "hygge" provided a model of a balanced, fulfilling life.

Ultimately, managing time isn’t about cramming more activities into our days but about making deliberate choices that align with our values. Embracing a more balanced approach, prioritizing what truly matters, and savoring simple moments can lead to a more joyful and meaningful life.

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Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time

Brigid Schulte

Ever wondered why the dream of a leisurely future, once imagined by President Dwight D. Eisenhower, hasn't materialized?

Eager to learn how our societal obsession with busyness is impacting our mental and physical health?

Interested in exploring how the relentless pursuit of busyness overshadows the benefits of a more balanced, reflective life?

Dive into this intriguing and eye-opening examination of our modern relationship with time and productivity!

Key Ideas

#1