Curious to learn how life's greatest adversities can lead to unexpected personal growth? How can loss and pain open up new possibilities and deeper connections? And, how do famous psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun's findings on post-traumatic growth resonate with real-life stories? Dive in and find out!

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

About a year after her husband Dave passed away, Sheryl Sandberg received a distressing call from a friend about a young woman. The woman had been raped by a coworker she had offered a ride home. Nervously, Sandberg reached out to offer support, drawing from her own experiences with grief.

Psychologist Martin Seligman’s studies on resilience highlight the three P’s that hinder recovery: personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence. When people understand that negative events aren’t entirely their fault, don’t affect every aspect of their lives, and won’t last forever, they recover more quickly.

During their call, the young woman blamed herself for the attack. Sandberg reminded her that she was not at fault and discussed the other two P’s, helping her see that her despair wouldn’t last forever. A few weeks later, she called to thank Sandberg, saying the advice had helped her feel better and supported her decision to cooperate with the prosecution.

Sandberg had fallen into these traps herself after Dave’s death. Initially, she blamed herself for not finding him sooner. Her brother, a neurosurgeon, and the autopsy revealed that Dave's death was due to a cardiac arrhythmia, not head trauma from a fall. Even then, she continued to find ways to blame herself, worried about his undiagnosed coronary artery disease and whether she could have pushed him to make healthier choices.

Returning to work helped Sandberg combat pervasiveness. The routine and support from colleagues gave her moments of relief from grief. However, permanence was the hardest to overcome. She feared that the pain would never subside. Studies show that we tend to overestimate how long negative events will affect us. Gradually, Sandberg learned to replace “always” with “sometimes,” accepting that moments of respite were possible.

Her journey through grief was bolstered by focusing on gratitude. Her friend Adam suggested she consider how much worse things could be. Realizing that her children could have been lost too filled her with gratitude. This perspective helped her find moments of joy and appreciate the support around her.

Gratitude practices, like sharing their best moments and things they’re thankful for at dinner, became a family ritual. These practices, backed by research, can increase happiness and health. Despite the pain, acknowledging blessings helped Sandberg cope.

The three P’s—personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence—are valuable tools for navigating life’s challenges. Learning to recognize and manage these thoughts can foster resilience, helping us find strength and breathe again even after being pulled under by life’s hardships.

Can Martin Seligman's 'Three P’s' Help You Overcome Life's Biggest Challenges?

In college, most people have a roommate or two, but Dave had ten. After graduation, they drifted apart, reuniting only on special occasions. In 2014, they all gathered for their twenty-fifth reunion and decided to spend the next Fourth of July together. Tragically, Dave passed away two months before the trip. Sheryl Sandberg considered skipping but decided to go, hoping to find comfort in Dave’s friends.

It was during this reunion that Sandberg had a raw, heartfelt conversation with Jeff, one of Dave’s roommates who had multiple sclerosis. Sandberg asked Jeff how he was really doing, and his emotional response highlighted how rarely people address the elephant in the room—acknowledging obvious but uncomfortable truths. This conversation made Sandberg realize that by avoiding painful topics, people often isolate those who are suffering.

After Dave's death, Sandberg was often shocked when friends didn't ask how she was doing. It made her feel invisible. This avoidance is common in our culture, even though discussing painful experiences can be healing. Merle Saferstein, who worked with Holocaust survivors, found that they often wanted to talk about their traumatic past to not be shunned. Avoiding the topic, known as the "mum effect," can isolate those suffering.

At work, the silence around Sandberg's grief was palpable. Returning to Facebook, she felt like a ghost among her colleagues. Mark Zuckerberg reassured her that people wanted to stay connected but didn't know how. This led her to post about her grief on Facebook, describing the void Dave left behind and suggesting that asking "How are you today?" could better acknowledge her ongoing struggle.

The response was overwhelming. Friends, neighbors, and strangers shared their own stories and offered support. This collective acknowledgment made Sandberg feel less isolated. She discovered that even small gestures, like hugging someone a bit tighter, signaled that she needed help.

Breaking the silence about grief, loss, or any adversity helps build deeper connections. Sandberg learned that being honest about her pain allowed others to support her better. Openers, people who ask genuine questions and listen without judgment, play a crucial role in easing the burden of those in pain.

Sandberg’s reflections extend beyond personal grief to other adversities like illness, financial difficulties, and more. Speaking openly can be healing, though it’s not always easy. The key is to acknowledge the elephant in the room, offering empathy and support rather than avoiding the difficult conversation.

Breaking the Silence: A Journey from Grief to Healing through Honest Conversations

One August morning during his first semester teaching in Philadelphia, Sandberg's friend Adam noticed a striking student named Owen Thomas. Owen’s friendly demeanor and insightful questions quickly made him a favorite among his peers.

Despite his cooperative spirit, Owen struggled with internal demons and tragically took his own life in April. An autopsy revealed Owen had chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a brain disease linked to repeated head injuries and severe depression.

Adam was devastated by the loss and questioned his ability to support his students. Striving for a solution, he drew inspiration from a study on stress in which participants felt relief simply by having a button they could press to stop an unpleasant noise, even if they never used it. This sense of control suggested that providing a safety net could make a significant difference. Adam adopted this approach by sharing his cell phone number with his students, offering them an additional layer of support.

When we face others' pain, empathy drives us to help, but distress can make us avoid it. As a result, the Platinum Rule—treat others as they want to be treated—became a guiding principle for Adam. He realized that true friendship involves being there unconditionally, even if it means dealing with anger and grief. 

Bestselling author and renowned speaker Bruce Feiler suggests that instead of offering to “do anything,” people should just do something specific. This relieves the burden on the person in distress to think of ways others can help. For instance, when Adam’s colleague Dan Levy’s son was hospitalized, a friend’s simple question, “What do you NOT want on a burger?” provided tangible help and comfort.

Psychologist Susan Silk’s “ring theory” also offers insight: those closest to the tragedy should be comforted, while those further out should seek support elsewhere. This approach ensures that support flows in the right direction without overwhelming the most affected individuals.

Adam’s journey underscores the importance of showing up for those in need. Whether it’s providing a sense of control, offering specific help, or simply being present, these acts of kindness and understanding can have a profound impact on those navigating their darkest moments.

Could Unconditional Presence Save a Life? A Teacher's Eye-Opening Encounter with a Tragic Student's Suicide

Catherine Hoke, a successful venture capitalist, found her calling unexpectedly during a visit to a Texas prison. There, she realized that many inmates had entrepreneurial skills and drive. Determined to give them a second chance, she created the Prison Entrepreneurship Program, helping hundreds start anew. 

However, when her personal life crumbled with an unexpected divorce, Catherine's world turned dark. Seeking support without judgment, she found solace in the very people she helped—her program graduates. Yet, personal missteps led to a scandal that forced her to resign, leaving her in deep despair.

In this pit of shame, Catherine struggled with self-compassion, a concept that involves treating oneself with the same kindness one would offer a friend. Psychologist Kristin Neff's research shows that self-compassion can help people recover from hardships more effectively than self-esteem or optimism alone. Catherine's journey to self-forgiveness began with owning her mistakes and writing a remorseful letter to her supporters, which brought her unexpected encouragement and support.

Journaling became Catherine's lifeline. It allowed her to process her feelings and dismantle self-limiting beliefs, replacing them with self-freeing ones. This practice not only helped her heal but also inspired her new venture, Defy Ventures, which aids inmates in building their futures. Catherine's story illustrates the power of second chances and the therapeutic value of writing.

Meanwhile, Sheryl Sandberg, dealing with the loss of her husband Dave, found her confidence shattered. Returning to work, she struggled to focus and felt overwhelmed. Journaling helped her navigate her grief, allowing her to express and process her emotions. She also started listing daily achievements, however small, to rebuild her self-confidence.

Sheryl's experience taught her the importance of self-compassion and the value of small wins. She realized that, like skiing down a daunting slope, life’s challenges can be managed one turn at a time. Her journey also underscored the need for supportive work environments that offer empathy and encouragement, rather than just sympathy.

Both Catherine and Sheryl’s stories highlight the transformative power of second chances, self-compassion, and the therapeutic potential of journaling. By writing down their thoughts and feelings, they were able to process their grief, rebuild their lives, and extend compassion to themselves and others.

Turning the Page: How can Journaling Help to Overcome Personal Crises

In the depths of winter, Joe Kasper, a dedicated physician, faced an unimaginable tragedy. His teenage son Ryan was diagnosed with a rare, fatal form of epilepsy. Despite his medical expertise, Joe was powerless to change his son's fate. Devastated, he was determined not to be consumed by despair. Drawing inspiration from Viktor Frankl's words, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves," Joe sought to understand how to recover from trauma.

He discovered the work of psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, who found that instead of just post-traumatic stress, some people experience post-traumatic growth. This growth manifests in five forms: finding personal strength, gaining appreciation, forming deeper relationships, discovering more meaning in life, and seeing new possibilities.

Joe's journey led him to study positive psychology, where he learned to transform his grief into growth. He vowed to live a life that would honor his son’s memory, discovering that his tragedy could be a catalyst for positive change. He created a therapeutic process called “co-destiny,” helping bereaved parents find purpose and meaning in their losses.

Others, too, have found strength in adversity. Brooke Pallot, who survived stage 4 breast cancer, gained a new appreciation for life and a deeper connection with her loved ones. Kevin Krim, who lost his children to a tragic incident, found solace in his surviving daughter and strengthened his marriage, channeling his grief into a nonprofit that teaches creativity to disadvantaged children.

Stephen Thompson, who grew up homeless and abandoned, turned his trauma into an opportunity to forge new, meaningful relationships. He transformed his resilience into a successful career, always remembering the kindness of those who helped him.

Vernon Turner, driven by the need to support his family after his mother's death, pushed himself to extraordinary limits to achieve his dream of playing in the NFL. His faith and purpose gave him the strength to overcome seemingly insurmountable challenges.

Finding meaning in life, through family, religion, or work, can help individuals recover from trauma. Jeff Huber, after losing his wife to cancer, found purpose in leading a company dedicated to early cancer detection, channeling his grief into life-saving work.

Tragedy may shatter our hopes, but it also paves the way for new possibilities. By turning pain into purpose, we showcase the profound resilience of the human spirit, discovering that even in our darkest moments, an invincible summer can blossom within us.

Can Tragedy Be a Catalyst for Unimaginable Growth and Positive Change?

In 2015, Sandberg's friend's daughter was set to have her bat mitzvah. The memory of planning her own son’s bar mitzvah with Dave, her late husband, weighed heavily on Sandberg. Yet, she chose to attend, understanding the importance of showing up for the people who had been her pillars during her darkest days. Sitting with her friends, Sandberg felt transported to simpler times, their collective warmth providing a sense of comfort.

At the bat mitzvah party, Sandberg found herself dancing with Brook, an old schoolmate. The joyous moment on the dance floor, however, was interrupted by a wave of guilt. She wondered how she could feel happiness when Dave was no longer there. Her friend Adam later reflected that Sandberg hadn’t been doing anything that brought her joy since Dave’s death. She had stopped engaging in activities she loved, fearing they would only remind her of her loss.

Realizing she had been holding herself back from happiness, Sandberg began to reintroduce joy into her life. She played Settlers of Catan with her children, watched Game of Thrones, and found a new Scrabble partner in Dave’s brother, Rob. These actions were more than just distractions; they were acts of reclaiming joy.

Sandberg understood that joy is essential for moving forward. Her sister-in-law, Amy, helped her see that her happiness positively impacted her children. By focusing on finding joy for her children and herself, Sandberg began to heal. This journey of reclaiming joy wasn't just about big, life-changing events; it was about appreciating the small, everyday moments.

Through this process, Sandberg discovered that joy is not just a fleeting emotion but a form of self-compassion, a necessary act of defiance against the permanence of loss. She learned that seeking joy is about reclaiming what grief has taken. Joy allows us to live and love fully, providing the strength to continue even in the face of great distress. Whether it’s cooking, dancing, hiking, praying, or singing off-key, joy in its many forms gives us the resilience to navigate life’s challenges.

Finding Joy After Loss: A Journey Through Friendship and Resilience

Timothy Chambers is an award-winning painter, despite being 70% deaf and legally blind due to Usher syndrome. His resilience is rooted in his parents' support, especially his father’s humorous reframing of painful events. This approach helped Tim see his disability as a strength, allowing him to pursue a successful career and teach art online.

Resilience is not innate but can be nurtured through supportive relationships and opportunities. It involves four core beliefs: having control over one’s life, learning from failure, mattering to others, and recognizing one’s strengths. 

Children’s resilience is often built through the guidance of caring adults. Programs like the Nurse-Family Partnership show that early support can significantly reduce child abuse and improve long-term outcomes. 

Resilient children believe they have control over their lives, can learn from failures, matter to others, and possess strengths they can rely on. These beliefs are crucial for overcoming obstacles and finding hope. Even in the darkest times, such as losing a parent, these beliefs can provide glimpses of light and a path forward.

Programs across the globe, like Denmark's Klassen Time and India's Girls First, emphasize empathy, control, and recognizing strengths, which foster resilience. In Miami, a program called Change Your Shoes helps young women see their potential beyond past traumas, showing that even small steps can lead to significant life changes.

The journey of resilience is not just about bouncing back but growing stronger from challenges. It is is a continuous journey, requiring consistent effort and the support of a caring community. It’s about transforming adversity into strength and finding light even in the darkest times.

Can Resilience Be Taught? How Global Programs Are Empowering Children to Overcome Life's Challenges

In 1972, a plane carrying a Uruguayan rugby team crashed in the Andes, sparking a harrowing 72-day survival saga for the 33 initial survivors. They faced starvation, avalanches, and frostbite, with only 16 making it out alive. 

The key to their endurance? Hope. Despite their dire circumstances, they clung to the belief that they would be rescued. Survivor Roberto Canessa famously said, “If there’s hope, there’s life.”

Their story, immortalized in the book and movie Alive, reveals that hope can be a collective force. The survivors prayed together, dreamed of future projects, and supported each other emotionally. This shared hope became their lifeline, enabling them to confront their fears and plan for survival. Spencer Harrison, who analyzed their ordeal, found that their resilience was fueled by their communal bond.

Years later, when 33 miners were trapped underground in Chile, several Andes survivors flew in to offer support, emphasizing the power of collective hope. Their shared narrative and experiences helped them overcome unimaginable odds, illustrating that resilience is not just an individual trait but a communal strength.

This theme of collective resilience extends beyond survival stories. After the Charleston church shooting, the congregation chose forgiveness over hatred, coming together to advocate for justice. Similarly, initiatives like the Posse Foundation and Lean In Circles show how communities can lift each other up, rewrite narratives, and foster social change.

Whether battling personal loss, systemic injustice, or sudden catastrophe, these stories highlight the importance of shared hope, experiences, and power in building resilient communities. We are all interconnected, and by supporting each other, we can transform tragedy into triumph and despair into hope.

Survival and Solidarity: The Unyielding Power of Hope in Crisis

In April 2016, Sheryl Sandberg found herself standing in SpaceX’s headquarters, experiencing a moment of profound emotion alongside her children and a group of engineers. They were there to witness an attempt to land a rocket at sea after four failed tries. 

Elon Musk, who had also suffered immense personal loss, had invited them, and as the countdown began, tension filled the room. The rocket had a shaky descent but landed safely, sparking tears and cheers alike. This moment highlighted the power of resilience.

Research shows that organizations learn more from failure than success. SpaceX’s journey epitomizes this: their first rocket exploded, the second had minor issues, and the third failed due to a tiny software bug. Yet, each setback paved the way for eventual triumph. Similarly, many companies rise from the ashes of disaster because they embrace failure as a learning opportunity.

At Facebook, fostering a culture of resilience means encouraging risk-taking and learning from mistakes. For instance, when an intern accidentally crashed the site, instead of reprimanding him, they embraced the failure, naming the practice “Ben Testing” and hiring him full-time. They also conduct yearly visits to organizations like the Marines, who emphasize rigorous debriefs to learn from every mission.

Feedback is crucial for growth, but asking for it can be daunting. Sandberg's colleague overcame his fear of public speaking by actively seeking criticism and openly sharing it with his students, transforming his teaching approach and becoming a top-rated professor. 

During her Year of Firsts, Sandberg shared her struggles openly with her team, which encouraged others to do the same. Caryn Marooney, facing a cancer diagnosis, chose to speak candidly about her fears and found immense support. Her openness enhanced team efficiency and morale, leading to a culture where discussing failures became the norm.

Resilience isn’t just about bouncing back; it’s about learning, growing, and supporting each other through every setback. From rockets landing against the odds to personal battles with illness, embracing failure and fostering a supportive environment can turn challenges into triumphs.

Can Embracing Failure Like SpaceX and Facebook Propel You to Success?

At Sheryl Sandberg's wedding in 2004, she and Dave were caught in the playful rivalry between their employers, Yahoo and Google. To lighten the mood, they gave their guests a choice of branded baseball hats, and to their amusement, many Google guests ended up wearing Yahoo hats. 

Their wedding was filled with humor and love, reflecting their relationship perfectly. From Sheryl's brother-in-law's cheeky slideshow of her past boyfriends to the wind lifting her veil during the ceremony, laughter was always a central part of their love story.

For eleven years, Sheryl and Dave lived their vows, circling each other with love and friendship. But when Dave suddenly passed away, Sheryl was left with a profound sense of loss. Each night, she walked past their ketubah and his closet, both reminders of his absence. Cleaning out his closet with their children and his family was a heart-wrenching task, but it also brought unexpected moments of laughter and connection. Dave’s mother offered Sheryl hope, insisting that she would not only live but find love again.

Grief and love are deeply intertwined. Widows often face judgment when they begin dating, yet finding love again can be a crucial step in healing. Sheryl's own journey back into the dating world was filled with guilt and hesitation. A connection with a new man brought humor back into her life, helping her feel alive again. She even found herself making jokes about Dave, which, while shocking, provided much-needed relief.

Humor, as studies show, can make us more resilient. It lowers stress and helps us cope with pain. This was evident in the way laughter helped Sheryl and her family navigate their grief. Whether it was joking about Dave’s bad taste in movies or making light of his absence, humor allowed them to break the tension and find moments of joy.

Resilience in love also means finding strength in our connections. Relationships thrive on small acts of affection and support. Couples who turn toward each other’s bids for attention, even in mundane moments, build stronger bonds. Humor and affection during conflicts can help couples navigate disagreements and maintain a loving relationship.

Finding love again doesn’t erase grief, but it can coexist with it. Sheryl learned to appreciate the moments of joy that new relationships brought while still holding onto the love she had for Dave. 

Love, in all its forms, teaches us resilience. Whether it’s the love we find within ourselves, the love we share with others, or the enduring love for those we’ve lost, it helps us navigate life’s challenges. 

From Yahoo vs. Google to Love and Loss: A Widow's Journey of Resilience

The concept of resilience is crucial in navigating life's toughest moments. Resilience, as explained through Martin Seligman's "three P's"—personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence—helps us understand that negative events aren't entirely our fault, don't affect every aspect of our lives, and won't last forever. This understanding can accelerate recovery from trauma.

Support from others is vital. Whether it's a friend reaching out during a crisis or a community coming together, the act of acknowledging pain and offering empathy can make a significant difference. The Platinum Rule—treat others as they want to be treated—emphasizes the importance of specific, actionable support.

Gratitude and joy also play pivotal roles. Practicing gratitude can increase happiness and health, and seeking joy, even in small moments, is necessary for resilience. Self-compassion is another key element. Treating oneself with the same kindness offered to a friend can aid in overcoming shame and adversity. This practice, combined with the willingness to learn from failure and embrace setbacks, fosters personal growth and resilience.

Finally, community and collective hope are powerful. Whether through shared experiences or communal support, resilience is strengthened when we come together. Stories of survival and triumph, like those of plane crash survivors or the Chilean miners, illustrate the profound impact of collective resilience and hope.

In essence, resilience is about learning, growing, and supporting each other through life's challenges, finding light even in the darkest times.

Home

Trending Books

News & Mags

Relax

Curated

Collections

Key Ideas & Notes

Insights

Highlights & Bookmarks

Listening History

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

Sheryl Sandberg, Adam M. Grant

Curious to learn how life's greatest adversities can lead to unexpected personal growth?

How can loss and pain open up new possibilities and deeper connections?

And, how do famous psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun's findings on post-traumatic growth resonate with real-life stories?

Dive in and find out!

Key Ideas

#1