What do Disney, Shakespeare, and a five-year-old’s bedtime have in common? Curious how these insights challenge everything you thought you knew about raising kids? Dive into groundbreaking research by experts like Dr. Andrew Meltzoff, Dr. Carol Dweck, and Dr. Victoria Talwar to uncover why responsive parenting, imaginative play, and even a good night’s sleep shape the future of our children.

NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

Meet Thomas, a fifth-grader at the competitive Anderson School in New York City. He’s smart, with an IQ that places him in the top 1% of the top 1%. Since he was little, everyone has told him so. But his father noticed a troubling pattern: if Thomas struggled with something, he quickly gave up, declaring, “I’m not good at this.”

Thomas isn’t alone. Many gifted students underestimate their abilities and avoid challenges. Parents think praising intelligence combats this, but research suggests otherwise. Dr. Carol Dweck’s pioneering studies reveal that praising effort, not intelligence, encourages kids to tackle challenges. In her experiments, fifth-graders praised for effort chose harder puzzles and showed resilience, while those praised for intelligence avoided risks.

This insight challenges the self-esteem movement that dominated for decades. Studies have shown that self-esteem doesn’t correlate with better grades or success. Instead, specific praise for effort empowers kids, helping them see themselves as in control of their success.

Now, what about sleep? Morgan from New Jersey, a talented fifth-grader, struggled with sleep despite her busy schedule. Her experience is common: kids today get an hour less sleep than thirty years ago. This lost hour affects cognitive development, emotional stability, and even contributes to obesity. Dr. Avi Sadeh’s research shows that even a slight reduction in sleep can affect a child’s performance significantly, equating to a two-year loss in cognitive development.

Sleep isn’t just a passive state; it’s when the brain processes and stores the day’s learning. Children’s sleep, particularly the slow-wave stage, is crucial for memory and learning. Yet, societal norms prioritize busy schedules over sleep, creating a cycle of sleep deprivation and its consequences.

In Minnesota, a later school start time improved SAT scores and reduced depression among students. But many districts resist this change due to logistical issues, despite clear benefits.

As parents, we face the challenge of balancing praise and demands with the needs of our children. Perhaps it's time to reconsider how we nurture their potential. Instead of constant praise or over-scheduling, maybe the secret lies in fostering resilience through effort and ensuring they get the sleep they need to thrive.

Is Praising Intelligence and Sacrificing Sleep Sabotaging Our Kids' Success?

In 2006, researcher Birgitte Vittrup set out to understand how racial attitudes develop in children, using a study involving white families with young kids in Austin, Texas. She discovered that many white parents avoided discussing race, fearing it would highlight differences rather than promote unity. 

Despite providing families with multicultural videos and conversation prompts, Vittrup found that few parents had meaningful discussions with their children about race. Interestingly, those few families whose parents engaged in open conversations saw significant improvements in their children's racial attitudes.

This reluctance to discuss race isn't unique, as a 2007 study showed that 75% of white parents rarely talk about race, preferring to raise color-blind children. Yet, research by Dr. Rebecca Bigler reveals that children naturally categorize and form biases based on visible differences, like skin color, unless explicitly guided otherwise.

Bigler's experiments, such as dividing preschoolers by T-shirt color, demonstrated that children naturally form "in-group" preferences. Dr. Phyllis Katz's longitudinal study showed that children as young as three already have racial preferences, often favoring their own race.

The Diverse Environment Theory suggests that exposure to diversity is enough to shape egalitarian views, but studies indicate that simply attending diverse schools doesn't guarantee cross-racial friendships. Duke University's Dr. James Moody found that in more diverse schools, students tend to self-segregate.

In Ohio, first-grade teachers used a book depicting a black Santa to spark a year-long dialogue about race. The story challenged children's assumptions and led to meaningful discussions, illustrating the potential for explicit conversations to reshape racial perceptions.

These studies collectively suggest that avoiding race discussions leaves children to form their own, often biased, conclusions. Engaging children in explicit, age-appropriate conversations about race can help them understand and embrace diversity from a young age.

Breaking the Silence: How Early Conversations Can Transform Children's Racial Attitudes

Ashley and the author were in Montreal to visit Dr. Victoria Talwar, a leading expert on children's lying behavior. Her lab, housed in a Gothic mansion at McGill University, was the setting for a fascinating experiment. 

They watched videos of kids, aged 7 to 11, telling stories about being bullied, and the task was to discern truth from fabrication. Despite their confidence, they scored no better than chance—highlighting how difficult it is to detect lies in children. Dr. Talwar's research reveals that children learn to lie much earlier than most assume, and it’s a complex, developmental milestone tied to cognitive and social skills.

Intriguingly, children’s lies start as innocent cover-ups but evolve with age into more sophisticated manipulations. By school age, kids lie for various reasons, including empathy and social maneuvering. Talwar’s experiments, like the "Peeking Game," show that kids begin lying around four, and many parents mistakenly believe their children aren't capable of deception.

The narrative of lying extends beyond simple fibs. Dr. Talwar's studies with diverse children show that increasing punishment for lying only makes kids more adept liars. In contrast, stories like "George Washington and the Cherry Tree," which emphasize the value of truth-telling without punishment, significantly reduce lying.

Parents often unknowingly model dishonest behavior, whether by telling small fibs or encouraging children to offer polite lies, like complimenting a disliked gift. This creates a paradox where honesty is valued, yet children are subtly taught to lie. Children’s early lies are remembered vividly, often shaping their future behavior, and parental reactions play a crucial role in this development.

Ultimately, Talwar suggests we should teach kids the worth of honesty while understanding that lying is a natural part of growing up. It’s not about eradicating lies but guiding children to understand the value of truth and the consequences of deception, all while considering the nuances of their developmental stage.

Can Dr. Talwar's Research Unlock the Truth Behind Children's Lies?

Imagine a little girl, only five, being led into a stranger's office for a test that could determine her academic future. This scenario plays out every year as millions of children are tested for entry into gifted programs and elite private schools. The process involves puzzles, drawing, and questions, but the underlying aim is to measure intelligence. Admissions officers often see this as an art, but new research suggests they are wrong 73% of the time.

The tests, like the Wechsler Preschool and Primary Scale of Intelligence, are supposed to predict future academic success, but they fail more often than not. Studies show that only 27 out of 100 kids identified as gifted in kindergarten will still be considered gifted by third grade. This means many deserving children are overlooked, while others are misclassified.

Dr. Hoi Suen's meta-analysis of 44 studies revealed a mere 40% correlation between early intelligence tests and later achievement. In some cases, the correlation is even lower. This highlights the problem of testing children too young, when their brains are still developing. Neuroscience shows that intelligence evolves as the brain matures, with significant changes occurring well after the age of five.

Despite this, many school districts and private schools continue to rely on early testing, often without retesting in later years. This practice can lock children into or out of programs based on an unreliable snapshot of their abilities. Experts like Dr. Richard Haier and Dr. Bradley Schlaggar emphasize that intelligence is not fixed and that children develop at different rates.

The solution could be as simple as waiting until third grade to test children for gifted programs. This would allow for more accurate identification of truly gifted students and accommodate late bloomers. Real intellectual development is uneven, with spikes and setbacks, and waiting could ensure that we nurture all children's potential, not just those who peak early.

Rethinking Gifted Testing: Why Early Exams Fail Our Future Einsteins

Freud might have had his theories, but when it comes to siblings, Shakespeare's take seems more accurate. Sibling rivalry isn't just about fighting for parental affection—it's about sharing toys and navigating life together. A study in Brazil couldn't determine if being an only child led to more coin swallowing incidents, and other researchers have explored whether only children are more prone to certain ailments. The conclusions were mixed, but the quest to understand the "sibling effect" continues.

In China, where the one-child policy was once strict, scholars found mixed results regarding social skills among only children. Despite assumptions, siblings don't necessarily guarantee better social skills. 

Dr. Laurie Kramer from the University of Illinois has been working to help siblings get along better through her program "More Fun with Sisters and Brothers." Her approach focuses on transforming sibling relationships into friendships. Through playful sessions, Kramer teaches siblings how to initiate play and manage conflicts, aiming for fewer fights and more positive interactions.

Kramer's research shows that the quality of sibling relationships is often established early and remains stable over time. Interestingly, the relationship quality is predicted by the older child's friendships before the younger sibling's birth. It's not just about sibling interactions shaping social skills; it's also about applying lessons learned from friendships to sibling relationships.

Meanwhile, teen rebellion is another story. Jasmine, a high school senior, navigates a life of secrets and lies, keeping her true activities hidden from her parents. Research by Drs. Nancy Darling and Linda Caldwell unveils that teens lie about a dozen topics on average, often to protect their relationship with parents or avoid disappointment. Surprisingly, those who argue with their parents instead of lying have better relationships. The key isn't avoiding conflict but having meaningful discussions where teens feel heard and sometimes earn concessions.

In the realm of teen boredom, efforts like Linda Caldwell's TimeWise program aim to teach kids how to engage meaningfully with their free time. However, the results show only marginal improvements, suggesting that tackling teen boredom is a complex challenge.

Dr. Adriana Galvan's research on teen brains reveals why adolescents might seek extreme thrills—they need bigger rewards to feel excitement, and their ability to weigh risks is often hijacked by the promise of pleasure. Teens, it seems, might be neurologically wired for both risk-taking and the fear of social embarrassment, highlighting a unique tension in their developmental stage.

Ultimately, understanding siblings and teens requires a nuanced look at relationships and motivations. From playful sibling rivalries to teen rebellions, it's clear that the dynamics at play are both complex and deeply human.

Can Shakespeare's Insight on Sibling Dynamics Help in Today's Family Challenges?

Imagine a preschool program so effective that its students excel beyond expectations, causing it to lose funding meant for at-risk kids. This isn't fiction; it's the story of "Tools of the Mind," a curriculum that transforms early education. Developed by Drs. Elena Bodrova and Deborah Leong, Tools focuses on self-regulation and executive function, vital skills that traditional education often overlooks.

In a typical Tools classroom, children engage in imaginative play, committing to roles like firefighters or families in need of rescue. This sustained play teaches them to plan, focus, and control impulses—abilities linked to the prefrontal cortex's development. The curriculum doesn't just teach academics; it builds cognitive control, crucial for maintaining attention and managing emotions.

Tools' success is evident in standardized test scores, where participants outshine peers, and behavior reports, which note fewer disruptions. In studies, Tools kids showed superior executive function, a predictor of academic success. The program's methods have even caught the attention of neuroscientists like Dr. Adele Diamond, who found Tools kids excel in tasks requiring high executive functioning.

The program's strength lies in its practical approach, teaching children to navigate distractions and focus on goals. This is in stark contrast to other well-meaning educational initiatives like D.A.R.E., which, despite their popularity, often fail to deliver long-term benefits.

Tools of the Mind illustrates a powerful educational shift—prioritizing self-control and cognitive skills over rote learning. It proves that with the right approach, self-control can indeed be taught, offering a promising path for the future of education.

Tools of the Mind: Unlocking Preschool Potential with Cognitive Superpowers

In 2007, a report in Pediatrics sparked controversy by claiming that infants exposed to "baby videos" had smaller vocabularies. Disney CEO Robert Iger criticized the study, defending his Baby Einstein brand. 

Despite the backlash, the research, led by Dr. Andrew Meltzoff, showed that more exposure to these videos correlated with poorer language development. The study revealed that babies learn language from live interaction, not videos. Dr. Patricia Kuhl's research supported this, showing that babies learn phonetics better from live human interaction than from tapes.

Parents like Anne Frazier, determined to enhance their children's language skills, often bombard them with words, hoping it will make them more verbal. However, recent research by Dr. Catherine Tamis-LeMonda and Dr. Michael Goldstein suggests that the key to language development is in how parents respond to their babies' cues. Children whose parents quickly and accurately respond to their vocalizations tend to develop language skills faster.

Tamis-LeMonda's studies reveal that responsive parenting fosters language development. For instance, in a case study comparing two girls, Hannah and Alyssa, the more responsive parenting Hannah received led to a significant leap in her language skills compared to Alyssa.

Goldstein's experiments at Cornell demonstrated that even simple parental touches or responses can accelerate a baby's vocal development. He cautions against overstimulation, stressing the importance of balancing responses with natural playtime.

Furthermore, methods such as "object labeling" and "variation sets" help children learn words by associating them with objects and understanding grammatical structures. For example, motionese—moving objects while naming them—can significantly boost a child's vocabulary, as seen when Ashley successfully taught her niece a new word during dinner.

Ultimately, language acquisition is only partially genetic. While early verbal skills might give some children a head start, many catch up over time. The research underscores that responsive interaction, rather than mere exposure to language, is crucial for developing robust language skills in children.

Can Disney's Baby Einstein Really Boost Infant Language Skills?

Encouraging perseverance over innate talent fosters resilience and a willingness to embrace challenges. Sleep is another critical factor; ensuring children get enough rest is vital for their cognitive and emotional development. It's concerning how societal norms often prioritize busy schedules over this fundamental need, leading to widespread sleep deprivation.

When it comes to discussions about race, explicit conversations can significantly shape children's attitudes, countering the misconception that avoiding the topic promotes unity. Children naturally categorize differences, and without guidance, they might form biases. Open dialogues can foster understanding and inclusivity from a young age.

Understanding children's behavior, particularly lying, requires recognizing its role as a developmental milestone. Instead of punishing dishonesty, emphasizing the value of truth can reduce deceptive behaviors. Kids learn by observing adult interactions, so modeling honesty is crucial.

The reliability of early intelligence testing for gifted programs is questionable, given how intelligence evolves with brain maturity. Waiting until children are older for such assessments could better identify truly gifted students and accommodate those who develop later.

Sibling dynamics and teen behavior are complex, with sibling relationships shaping social skills and teen rebellion often being a form of self-preservation. Meaningful conversations and understanding neurological influences on teen behavior can improve parent-child relationships.

Finally, early education programs like Tools of the Mind offer a promising shift by prioritizing self-regulation and executive function over traditional learning approaches. This focus on cognitive control lays a strong foundation for academic success.

In language development, responsive parenting is key. Interaction, rather than passive exposure, accelerates language acquisition, highlighting the importance of engaging with children's vocalizations and cues. Overall, nurturing children involves a balanced approach that values effort, sleep, open dialogue, and responsive interactions.

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NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

Po Bronson

8 Key ideas

19 MINS

What do Disney, Shakespeare, and a five-year-old’s bedtime have in common?

Curious how these insights challenge everything you thought you knew about raising kids?

Dive into groundbreaking research by experts like Dr. Andrew Meltzoff, Dr. Carol Dweck, and Dr. Victoria Talwar to uncover why responsive parenting, imaginative play, and even a good night’s sleep shape the future of our children.