Ever wondered how one confronts and navigates the labyrinth of depression and low self-esteem? How does therapy help in understanding ourselves better? Want to pursue a brave journey of self-discovery, acceptance, and healing? Intrigued by the profound insights a psychiatrist can offer into our emotional chaos and patterns? Dive in and join an enlightening and inspiring journey through therapy for dysthymia, that transforms despair into hope, and confusion into clarity.

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki

If you want to be happy, you mustn’t fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering, and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these feelings completely from ourselves." 

This line from Martin Page's book resonates deeply with Baek Se-hee. Even in her darkest moments, she would laugh at a friend's joke but still feel an emptiness inside. She wasn't devastated, but she wasn't happy either, caught in a strange space in between. This book is her journey through therapy for dysthymia, a persistent, mild depression. She shares her experiences, hoping others might see themselves in her story and find comfort.

From a young age, Baek Se-hee was introverted and sensitive. Depression hit her hard in high school, affecting her studies and future. Even after changing many aspects of her life—her weight, education, friends—she still struggled with a constant, light depression. She realized she wasn't alone in feeling this way, and that's why she wanted to share her story.

In therapy, she discussed her low self-esteem, rooted in her upbringing. Her mother often lamented their financial struggles, and her father was violent. Her older sister's love was conditional, which further affected her self-worth. She became co-dependent in her relationships, both romantic and professional. She clung to stability but resented it, feeling trapped in a cycle of dependence and frustration.

Her psychiatrist suggested she challenge herself with new experiences to break this cycle. She started with small steps, like getting an acid perm, which made her feel good. She also tried to stop lying, a habit she had developed to gain attention and sympathy. She learned that her lies were not pathological but rather a result of her low self-esteem and anxiety.

She joined a movie club to push herself out of her comfort zone and meet new people. It was nerve-wracking, but she focused on her reasons for joining rather than others' expectations. She realized that everyone has their struggles, and it's okay to feel like she's having a hard time. It's not selfish to acknowledge her pain.

Through therapy, Baek Se-hee learned to be kinder to herself and understand that her feelings are valid. It's a process, and she's still working on it. But today, she is in the process of getting better, and that's enough.

Can Martin Page's Insights Help You Confront Your Deepest Fears and Find Happiness?

Baek Se-hee has always felt like she's under constant surveillance, not by others, but by her own mind. Her self-consciousness began early, perhaps rooted in her struggle with eczema since birth. 

As a child, the red, dry lesions on her skin made her the target of cruel comments. A boy she liked once compared her skin to his grandmother's, and during a school dance, her partner recoiled from touching her. This planted deep seeds of shame and self-loathing.

In middle school, it got worse when an online community plastered insults about her appearance. Those words cut deep, and she still finds herself obsessively scrubbing her elbows and checking the mirror. This self-surveillance extends to recording her voice during important meetings and therapy sessions, just to evaluate how she comes across to others.

Her psychiatrist pointed out that this constant self-evaluation is like keeping herself under CCTV surveillance, which is both reassuring and exhausting. They suggested that Baek Se-hee allow herself to forget and let go of past interactions instead of constantly replaying them in her mind.

During a movie club, she realized that despite her nerves, she spoke a lot. Yet, she recorded the session to reassure herself that she performed well. This need for validation stems from a low satisfaction with herself and a habit of amplifying negative emotions.

Her psychiatrist encouraged her to separate work and rest, not to let the anxiety of work invade her home space. They also advised her to stop comparing herself to others, like the head editor she envies, and instead, appreciate her own achievements. They reminded her that her university grades don't define her worth and that her true satisfaction comes from doing what she loves—creative writing.

Baek Se-hee realized that her constant need for validation and fear of being abandoned stem from past experiences, like losing a close friend in college because of her insecurities. Her psychiatrist advised her to cherish the present and not let anxiety burden her relationships.

She tends to see herself as ordinary and pitiful, but her psychiatrist suggested that this could be a way of protecting herself from feeling inferior. They encouraged her to find joy in her accomplishments and to stop torturing herself with unnecessary comparisons.

Ultimately, the key is to focus less on how others perceive her and more on fulfilling her true desires. Looking back, if her twenty-year-old self could see her now, she'd be overjoyed with her achievements. And that's enough for Baek Se-hee.

Overcoming Self-Surveillance: A Journey to Self-Acceptance

Baek Se-hee often found herself caught in a whirlwind of emotions. Oversensitive to the core, she struggled with the inner turmoil that made her feel invisible and insignificant. After heated confrontations, she'd stare into the mirror, her flushed face reflecting a sense of defeat.

In therapy, she candidly recounted her week's emotional rollercoaster—fine one moment, unraveling the next. She grappled with the fear that showing her anxiety would burden others, yet couldn't help but overshare when the moment struck, leading to regret and self-chastisement.

Her psychiatrist guided her through these extremes, highlighting her tendency to view things in black and white. Relationships were complex, he explained, and thinking in absolutes only blocked out the nuances that made them rich and rewarding.

She was learning to navigate these waters, trying to accept the contradictions within herself. She wanted genuine connections, fearing judgment yet craving the attention that sometimes annoyed her. Her psychiatrist assured her that such emotions were natural, not a sign of perversity, but a small way of guarding her self-esteem.

Gradually, Baek Se-hee realized she was holding herself to impossible standards, punishing herself with idealized expectations. Her upbringing in small houses had left her ashamed, a feeling she tried to mask with false nonchalance. Her psychiatrist encouraged her to break free from these constraints, to stop living by rigid formulas and to embrace her independence.

With newfound resolve, she ventured into uncharted territories—signing up for writing classes, meeting new people, and even considering a tattoo. These steps, small yet significant, marked her journey towards self-discovery. She was learning to rationalize without guilt, to see beyond her immediate reactions and explore the multifaceted nature of her emotions.

As she embraced this journey, she understood that life was a dynamic dance of ups and downs. Sadness and happiness would ebb and flow like tides. As long as she loved herself, she could navigate the complexities of her unique existence, finding new paths to happiness with each step.

Is Navigating Emotional Turmoil the Key to Self-Discovery?

Baek Se-hee was grappling with a friendship that had turned toxic. She found herself overly sensitive to her friend's views, especially after the friend critiqued a book she lent her. Feeling attacked, Baek Se-hee lashed out, labeling her friend as "arrogant and exhausting," which led to a painful exchange and her cutting off communication.

Her psychiatrist pointed out Baek Se-hee's "black-and-white" thinking—seeing people as either friends or foes with no middle ground. This rigid mindset made her feel attacked whenever they disagreed. He suggested that relationships are more complex, like a spectrum of colors, not just one shade of grey.

Upon reflection, Baek Se-hee realized that she often judged people and herself harshly. For instance, if she admired an author but disliked them in person, she would discard all their books. This extreme thinking also affected her self-esteem. She worried that showing vulnerability will make others abandon her, even though she accepts and loves her friends with all their flaws.

Her psychiatrist emphasized that high self-esteem would make her less sensitive to criticism. They discussed her tendency to equate affection with influence, feeling secure only when she can affect others' behaviors. This need for validation exhausts her and strains her relationships.

One of the most profound insights was her obsession with appearance. She feels judged and mocked for her looks, leading to an inferiority complex. This obsession affects her interactions, making her uncomfortable meeting new people, especially men. Her psychiatrist suggested that she might have tendencies towards histrionic personality disorder, where she seeks to be the center of attention and feels devastated if she’s not.

Despite knowing that everyone has different standards of beauty, Baek Se-hee struggled to accept her own face. She realized that she often objectified herself, feeling either attractive or hideous based on others' opinions.

Her psychiatrist emphasized the importance of finding a middle ground, accepting her appearance, and understanding that not everyone's opinion mattered. She was encouraged to be truthful with her feelings and not to seek validation from others. This realization provided some relief, but her journey towards self-acceptance remained ongoing.

In the end, Baek Se-hee understood that everyone has multiple facets and that happiness and unhappiness coexist. She was learning to live with her contradictions, finding peace in the complexity of life.

Navigating Toxic Friendships: A Journey to Self-Acceptance and Emotional Balance

Baek Se-hee once took a self-esteem quiz online and scored a negative 22. She had always known her self-esteem was low, but seeing it quantified made her feel worse. 

Her anxiety about new situations and how others perceive her often turns into hostility, which only entrenches her feelings of hopelessness and sadness. She finds it hard to feel warmth or comfort from most people and constantly blames herself for her perceived faults.

In therapy, Baek Se-hee shared her struggles with her psychiatrist. She told them about her discomfort when her partner read her writing out loud and her new approach of expressing her feelings without layers of censorship. This candidness helped her process her emotions, but her psychiatrist cautioned her about the extremes in her thinking.

One day, a friend at work poured her heart out to Baek Se-hee when she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Normally, she would have felt like an emotional waste bin, but she tried to see it as a sign that she was a comforting presence to her. Her psychiatrist suggested tweaking her perspective to also consider that her friend might not have anyone else to confide in.

Baek Se-hee has been grappling with the idea of self-esteem and its impact on accepting love. If she doesn't love herself, she might doubt the sincerity of others' love. This awareness is a step towards healthier thinking.

Baek Se-hee also struggles with drinking. It started as a way to ease her mind and write better, but it has become a habit that she can't control, especially with friends who drink heavily. Her psychiatrist recommended applying willpower and strategizing her drinking habits.

Life's ups and downs continue to challenge her. Her romantic relationship still triggers extreme thoughts, but she's hopeful for improvement. She recently faced a setback at work when the company Instagram account she managed was reassigned. This made her feel anxious about her place in the company.

Despite these challenges, Baek Se-hee is trying to be more empathetic. Reading a book on humiliation helped her understand why she feels hurt easily. Her older sister's changed attitude towards her also gave her hope. However, her psychiatrist pointed out that she often elevates others while criticizing herself.

Her self-esteem issues affect her relationships. She tends to test those who love her, unable to understand their forgiveness or acceptance. This cycle of low self-esteem and self-torture is exhausting. But she has realized that her journey towards better self-esteem is ongoing, and mistakes are part of the process.

In the end, Baek Se-hee wants to love and be loved without suspicion. She strives to embrace life's rhythms, fail, and discover new directions. Life has the potential to get better, and she hopes readers, who might be struggling too, find solace in listening to their overlooked inner voices.

Can Therapy and Self-Awareness Transform Low Self-Esteem into Hope?

True happiness involves confronting certain truths about perpetual unhappiness and the inextricable link between emotions and a sense of self. 

Baek Se-hee's journey through therapy for dysthymia has shown her that despite making numerous life changes, she still faced a persistent, mild depression. Therapy helped her uncover how her low self-esteem, co-dependence, and fear of judgment were deeply rooted in her upbringing and past experiences. 

One key insight was her recognition of her habit of keeping herself under constant self-surveillance and learning to let go of past interactions. Engaging in new experiences and creative endeavors has been a means for her to push herself out of her comfort zone and find new perspectives on life. She realized that her need for validation and fear of abandonment were hindering her relationships and self-worth. 

Through therapy, Baek Se-hee has been encouraged to focus less on how others perceive her and more on what truly makes her happy. She is learning to embrace her uniqueness and accept that it's normal to have ups and downs. 

Understanding herself better and nurturing her well-being are crucial steps toward self-acceptance and peace. Despite the ongoing challenges, she is committed to a journey where good moments outweigh the bad, striving for a life filled with joy and self-compassion.

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I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki

Baek Se-hee

6 Key ideas

15 MINS

4.4 (2.4k)

Ever wondered how one confronts and navigates the labyrinth of depression and low self-esteem?

How does therapy help in understanding ourselves better?

Want to pursue a brave journey of self-discovery, acceptance, and healing?

Intrigued by the profound insights a psychiatrist can offer into our emotional chaos and patterns?

Dive in and join an enlightening and inspiring journey through therapy for dysthymia, that transforms despair into hope, and confusion into clarity.