Ever wondered why your conversations lack depth and connection? Have you ever felt unheard despite being listened to? Discover the power of validation, a communication tool recommended by Psychologist John Gottman and empathetic listening, a principle endorsed by Brené Brown.

I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

Have you ever spoken with someone and felt like they just didn't understand you? They might have caught your words, but they missed the crux of what you were genuinely feeling. This happens because being listened to and being truly heard are two different things, and as humans, we all crave both.

Michael Sorensen, the author, once dated a woman who was a great listener but terrible at validating what he was saying. He would share something exciting or challenging, and she would just respond with a detached "Cool!" This left him feeling unheard and disconnected. He wasn't looking for a simple response; he wanted her to share his excitement, to connect with him on a deeper level.

This need for connection isn't just a personal observation; it's backed by science. Psychologist John Gottman studied couples for decades, finding that those who responded to their partner's small bids for attention and validation were significantly happier and more likely to stay together. For instance, if a husband commented on a car outside, he wasn't just talking about the car—he was seeking a moment of connection. Couples who turned toward these bids positively stayed together 87% of the time, compared to just 33% for those who didn't.

Validation is more than just listening; it's about acknowledging and affirming someone's feelings. This skill is crucial not only in romantic relationships but in all interactions. For example, if a coworker is distracted, worried about her daughter not calling, instead of jumping to solutions, one could say, "I don’t blame you for being worried, especially since she said she'd call an hour ago." This simple act of validation can significantly reduce stress, as shown by a 2011 study where participants who felt validated managed stress better than those who didn't.

Validation isn't about solving problems immediately; it's about showing empathy and understanding. When Michael's friend expressed frustration about her sister's controlling behavior during a trip, his initial attempts to offer solutions made things worse. It was only when he validated her feelings that the conversation improved.

This skill isn't just for romantic partners or close friends; it can be applied to anyone you interact with. Validation can calm fears, boost excitement, provide support, resolve arguments, and make you more likeable. It's the Swiss Army knife of communication, transforming how people feel about their interactions with you.

In short, being a great listener means being a great validator. Whether it's calming your partner's worries, boosting a friend's confidence, or resolving a coworker's frustration, validation is a powerful tool for building deeper, more meaningful connections. So the next time someone shares something with you, remember to not just listen, but truly hear and validate them.

Can John Gottman's Science of Validation Transform Your Relationships?

Research from 2004 revealed that validating positive experiences can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction, trust, and intimacy. For instance, if a woman shares exciting news with her husband and he responds with genuine interest, it strengthens their bond. Conversely, a passive response like “That’s nice” can be as damaging as a negative one.

Michael Sorensen witnessed a poignant moment at a fast-food restaurant involving a boy proudly showing his puzzle to his father, who barely looked up from his phone. This unenthusiastic response left the boy’s need for connection unmet, highlighting the importance of validating positive emotions.

Another misconception is thinking you can’t validate someone if you don’t agree with them. Validation means understanding why someone feels the way they do. In a work scenario, validating a colleague’s concerns about a project led to a productive conversation, demonstrating that validation doesn’t require agreement, just empathy.

Reflective listening, another misunderstood concept, involves repeating back what someone says to show understanding. However, this can seem mechanical. Genuine validation requires connecting with the underlying emotion. For example, instead of echoing a friend’s frustration over a work project, a more validating response would be, “Gosh, that sounds so frustrating.”

Empathy is the cornerstone of validation. Empathy is about sharing and understanding another’s feelings, unlike sympathy, which is more detached. Brené Brown illustrates this difference with an analogy: sympathy is offering a sandwich to someone in a hole, while empathy is climbing down to be with them.

Developing empathy involves being curious about others' backgrounds, looking at them genuinely, imagining them as children, identifying your own emotions, and avoiding judgment of those emotions. These tips help in building a deeper connection and understanding of others' feelings.

The Four-Step Validation Method simplifies the process into: 
1. Listen Empathically, 
2. Validate the Emotion, 
3. Offer Advice or Encouragement (if appropriate), and 
4. Validate the Emotion Again. 
This method, adaptable to any situation, aims to improve communication and connection through practice.

Brené Brown's Wisdom on Validation: The Key to Genuine Connection

Listening empathetically is one of the most sincere forms of respect. Gregorio Billikopf, an author and mediation expert, emphasizes that empathetic listening requires us to accompany a person in their moments of sadness, joy, or challenges. To truly validate someone, you must first understand their emotions, which involves listening beyond their words and identifying their feelings.

To practice empathetic listening, give your full attention. In our fast-paced world, distractions are everywhere, but true presence matters. Olivia Cabane, author of "The Charisma Myth," notes that lack of presence can be perceived as inauthentic and can damage trust and rapport. Simple actions like putting away your phone or turning off the TV can show you care and are fully engaged.

Invite others to open up by asking simple questions if you sense they need to talk. Be observant of nonverbal cues, as 70% of communication is nonverbal. Pay attention to their expressions, tone, and body language. Matching their energy, whether they're excited or sad, and offering micro validations like "Really?" or "Wow, that must be frustrating" can help keep the conversation flowing and make them feel heard.

Refrain from trying to fix their problems immediately. Jumping to advice or pointing out silver linings can invalidate their feelings. Instead, validate their emotions by acknowledging what they’re feeling and offering justification for those feelings. For example, saying, "I get that you're worried. It would be tough not to be given the situation," can be very affirming.

When giving feedback or advice, avoid unsolicited advice. Ask what the other person needs from you or seek permission to share your thoughts. If the feedback is necessary, lead with a validating statement and be mindful of your language. Avoid absolutes like "always" or "never" and use "I" statements to soften the delivery.

Finally, wrap up the conversation with one more validation, reiterating that you understand and respect their feelings. If someone has shown vulnerability, acknowledge and appreciate it, as this builds trust and safety in the relationship.

Listening empathetically and validating emotions are powerful ways to connect with others and build stronger, more trusting relationships.

Can Empathetic Listening, as Taught by Gregorio Billikopf and Olivia Cabane, Transform Your Relationships?

The path to learning through precept can be long, but it’s often shorter and more effective through real-world examples. The Four-Step Validation Method involves Listening, Micro Validation, Validation, and Asking Permission to Give Feedback. These principles, though seemingly complex, can be navigated swiftly in conversations, making validation second nature with practice.

In various real-world situations (RWSs), these steps come alive. Take Trevor, frustrated about a coworker’s promotion. Jacob listens empathetically and validates Trevor’s feelings, even offering his perspective without negating Trevor’s frustration. Or consider Sydney, a high schooler dealing with friend drama; her mom, Karen, listens and validates before offering advice. In each scenario, empathy and sincerity are crucial.

For example, Lindsey supports her friend Kate through a divorce by listening and validating her feelings without pushing for more than Kate wants to share. Tyler, excited about a new job, receives genuine validation from Alex, who matches Tyler’s enthusiasm and acknowledges the stress of his old position.

In more stressful situations, like Kelli's hectic day with the kids, her husband Mark listens and offers help, validating her hard work. Catherine, facing an angry customer, diffuses the situation by validating his frustration and offering solutions. Even Jim, comforting his son Caden, learns that validation helps calm strong emotions.

In addition to validating others, it’s important to seek validation when needed. Learning to validate yourself is equally essential. Recognize your emotions without judgment, whether it’s pride in your work or frustration with a tough situation.

Remember, while validation can be powerful, it won’t always “work” as expected. Some individuals may not be receptive, and that’s okay. Keep practicing empathy, and don’t get discouraged.

In short, ask for validation when you need it, learn to validate yourself, and manage expectations. Validation is a skill that can significantly improve your relationships and emotional health.

Mastering Empathy Through Real-World Validation: The Four-Step Method

Validation is more than just listening. It's about acknowledging and affirming someone's feelings, and it's crucial in all interactions. Psychologist John Gottman found that couples who responded positively to their partner's bids for attention were significantly happier. This isn't just about romantic relationships; it applies to friends, coworkers, and even casual encounters.

For instance, a coworker distracted by worry over her daughter not calling can feel better with a simple validation: "I don’t blame you for being worried, especially since she said she'd call an hour ago." This act of validation can significantly reduce stress, as shown by a 2011 study.

Empathy is the cornerstone of validation. Brené Brown illustrates that sympathy is offering a sandwich to someone in a hole, while empathy is climbing down to be with them. Developing empathy involves being curious about others' backgrounds, identifying your own emotions, and avoiding judgment.

The Four-Step Validation Method involves: Listening Empathically, Validating the Emotion, Offering Advice or Encouragement (if appropriate), and Validating the Emotion Again. This method, adaptable to any situation, aims to improve communication and connection through practice.

Listening empathetically is one of the most sincere forms of respect. Give your full attention, put away distractions, and be observant of nonverbal cues. Refrain from trying to fix problems immediately; instead, validate their emotions by acknowledging what they’re feeling.

In real-world examples, Trevor’s frustration over a coworker’s promotion is validated by Jacob, who offers his perspective without negating Trevor’s feelings. Lindsey supports her friend Kate through a divorce by listening and validating her feelings without pushing for more than Kate wants to share.

Validation isn't just for others; it's important to seek it when needed and recognize your own emotions without judgment. Validation is a skill that can significantly improve your relationships and emotional health. So next time someone shares something with you, remember to not just listen, but truly hear and validate them. It’s worth it.

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I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

Michael S. Sorensen

5 Key ideas

12 MINS

4.8 (1.1k)

Ever wondered why your conversations lack depth and connection?
Have you ever felt unheard despite being listened to?
Discover the power of validation, a communication tool recommended by Psychologist John Gottman and empathetic listening, a principle endorsed by Brené Brown.

Ever wondered why your conversations lack depth and connection?

Have you ever felt unheard despite being listened to?

Discover the power of validation, a communication tool recommended by Psychologist John Gottman and empathetic listening, a principle endorsed by Brené Brown.

Ever wondered why your conversations lack depth and connection?

Have you ever felt unheard despite being listened to?

Discover the power of validation, a communication tool recommended by Psychologist John Gottman and empathetic listening, a principle endorsed by Brené Brown.

Improve your Career, Health & Life with 15min insights from 9000+ non-fiction books

Key Ideas

#1

Can John Gottman's Science of Validation Transform Your Relationships?

#2

Brené Brown's Wisdom on Validation: The Key to Genuine Connection

#3

Can Empathetic Listening, as Taught by Gregorio Billikopf and Olivia Cabane, Transform Your Relationships?

#4

Mastering Empathy Through Real-World Validation: The Four-Step Method

#5

Final Recap

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