Ever wondered how women navigate the professional world, balancing their authenticity with professionalism? How do they break free from the societal pressures of perfectionism and the disease to please? This collection of stories and insights explores these challenges and offers practical strategies for success.

How Women Rise

Marshall Goldsmith's 2007 book, "What Got You Here Won’t Get You There," highlighted 20 behaviors that impede high achievers, based on his experiences coaching leaders like Alan Mulally, then CEO of Ford. His key insight was that behaviors that previously led to success could become obstacles at higher levels. This concept applied broadly but was particularly tailored to men, who comprised 80% of his coaching base.

Sally Helgesen has focused on women's leadership since her 1990 book, "The Female Advantage." Her work illuminated how women often face unique challenges, such as reluctance to claim credit or over-apologizing, unlike their male counterparts. Recognizing these differences, Sally and Marshall combined their expertise to address behaviors that hinder women’s career progress.

Marshall's "aha moment" came while coaching Frances Hesselbein, former CEO of the Girl Scouts and a highly respected leader. Despite receiving overwhelmingly positive feedback, Frances was overly self-critical, a trait Marshall found common among successful women. This contrasted sharply with many male leaders who often deflect blame and resist change.

Sally's realization occurred during a seminar with Marshall. His relaxed, spontaneous approach contrasted with her meticulous preparation, highlighting her own overemphasis on perfection. This led her to see how behaviors that once aided her early career now constrained her effectiveness.

This book aims to help women recognize and overcome self-limiting behaviors. Stories like Ellen, Carrie, and Miranda illustrate how habits like reluctance to claim achievements, overvaluing expertise, and the disease to please can trap women in their careers.

Ellen, a connector in her company, failed to highlight her contributions to her boss, leading to undervaluation. Carrie, in a new leadership role, isolated herself to gain expertise, earning a reputation for being aloof. Lastly, Miranda, eager to please, overcommitted to low-value tasks, stretching herself thin.

Marshall and Sally argue that recognizing and changing these behaviors can lead to greater success and satisfaction. They emphasize that while external barriers like unconscious bias exist, focusing on controllable behaviors is crucial for progress.

The authors also address how women often define success differently than men, valuing work quality and impact over position and salary. This perspective can lead to underinvesting in personal success while enhancing team and organizational success.

In essence, "How Women Rise" provides strategies for women to identify and overcome behaviors that hold them back, offering a path to greater achievement and fulfillment in their careers.

Can 'How Women Rise' Help Women Overcome Self-Limiting Behaviors in their Careers?

Twelve Habits Keep Women from Reaching Their Goals:

Habit 1: Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements.
Women often struggle with claiming their achievements, fearing they’ll come off as arrogant. This habit can hold them back significantly in their careers. For example, Amy, an executive director of a nonprofit, consistently deflected credit for her successful projects to others, which led to her being overshadowed by her male co-chair in a major charity event. 

Her board was displeased with the lack of visibility she brought to the foundation, prompting Amy to seek coaching. She learned to simply say "thank you" when praised, helping her start to accept and claim credit for her work.

Habit 2: Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice and Reward Your Contributions.
Many women believe that great work should speak for itself, but this often leads to being overlooked. Maureen, a senior partner at a law firm, discovered this the hard way. She assumed her dedication and hard work would naturally lead to her being made partner. 

However, it wasn’t until she explicitly expressed her ambitions that she was considered for promotion. Maureen’s experience taught her to advise other women on the importance of vocalizing their goals and achievements to avoid being overlooked.

Habit 3: Overvaluing Expertise.
Being an expert is valuable, but focusing too much on mastery can keep women in their current roles. Ashley, who rose to head her company’s business-to-business services group, initially thought mastering every detail was key to success. 

However, she realized that this approach kept her stuck. She learned that building relationships and demonstrating readiness for new challenges were more crucial for advancement. Similarly, Ana, a software designer, discovered that letting go of her obsession with expertise and focusing on building connections and trust was essential for moving into senior management.

These habits—reluctance to claim achievements, expecting spontaneous recognition, and overvaluing expertise—are common among women and can significantly impede career progress. By addressing and overcoming these habits, women can better position themselves for leadership roles and greater professional success.

Breaking Barriers: Overcoming Habits that Hold Women Back in Their Careers

Habit 4 - Building Rather Than Leveraging Relationships.
Women often excel at building strong relationships, a skill recognized globally. Yet, this doesn't always propel them to top positions. The issue isn't the lack of skill but a reluctance to leverage these relationships for career advancement. Some women fear appearing self-serving, which hinders their professional growth. Leveraging relationships is crucial for success, as it involves mutually beneficial exchanges.

Julie Johnson, an executive coach, observes that men typically build relationships with clear objectives, while women often seek connections for various personal reasons. This difference can put women at a disadvantage in climbing the career ladder. The key is understanding that leveraging relationships is about reciprocity and strategic goals, not just personal gain.

Amanda's story illustrates this point. She hesitated to connect a colleague with her former hospital contacts, fearing it would seem self-serving. Yet, she comfortably leveraged relationships for a community cause, showing that leveraging for self-interest is often misjudged. Embracing leverage can expand one's influence and ability to make a difference.

Successful leaders use leverage strategically. It’s about intentional relationships that offer mutual benefits, not exploitation. Women should combine their relational strengths with strategic leverage to maximize their potential.

Habit 5 - Failing to Enlist Allies from Day One.
Starting a new job often leads women to focus on mastering tasks before building connections, a common mistake. Men, on the other hand, prioritize who they need to know, gaining support and visibility from the start. Allies are vital for career success, providing resources, spreading the word about your contributions, and offering support.

Allies don’t have to be close friends; even weak ties can be powerful. Effective ally networks are built by reaching out first and connecting others. Mentors offer guidance, but sponsors, who take action on your behalf, are key for advancement. However, finding sponsors can be challenging due to their limited availability.

Dianna’s experience as a trademark litigator shows the importance of building connections from day one. Instead of trying to win over a resistant team, she reached out to external stakeholders, which eventually helped her gain her team’s respect and advance her career. Building a broad network of allies enhances your visibility and positions you for success.

Habit 6 - Putting Your Job Before Your Career.
Many talented women focus on excelling in their current roles, neglecting long-term career planning. This can lead to frustration as they see peers advance while they remain stuck. Loyalty to a boss or team often holds them back, as seen in Serena’s story. Her strong sense of loyalty kept her from pursuing higher roles until she realized it was limiting her potential.

Carlos Marin notes that women often overcommit to their teams, neglecting the external relationships needed for career growth. Building outside networks is crucial for moving into senior roles. Women must balance their excellent management skills with strategic networking.

Healthy self-interest is essential for career advancement. Heidi's story highlights the struggle with guilt over self-interest. Embracing self-interest and ambition is not only beneficial for personal growth but also necessary for achieving one's full potential. Women should view every job as a stepping stone, positioning themselves for future opportunities while maintaining their values and long-term goals.

Are Women Sabotaging Their Own Career Advancement by Misunderstanding Relationship Leverage?

Habit 7: The Perfection Trap.
Striving for perfection may have fueled your success so far, but it can hinder higher aspirations. Perfectionism creates stress, distracts from the big picture, leads to a negative mindset, and sets unrealistic expectations. Women are particularly vulnerable, often feeling the need to be flawless to succeed. Julie Johnson, an executive coach, identifies perfectionism as a major challenge for women, unlike her male clients.

From childhood, girls are conditioned to seek approval by being perfect, while boys get more leeway. This carries into the workplace, where women are rewarded for precision, making them risk-averse. Take Vera, a high achiever whose perfectionism cost her a CEO position because her micromanagement stifled creativity and innovation.

Dana, another executive, exemplifies a "healthy perfectionist." She maintains high standards without being controlling, delegates effectively, and prioritizes well, contributing to her success without the stress of perfectionism.

Habit 8: The Disease to Please.
While aiming to be perfect is a trap, striving to be wonderful can be equally detrimental. Known as "the disease to please," this behavior is prevalent among women who struggle to say no, take on too much, and avoid disappointing others. Nancy, a senior administrator, exemplified this. Her desire to be helpful led her to take on excessive responsibilities, causing burnout and dissatisfaction among her staff.

Coach Ilsa helped Nancy see that her inability to delegate was rooted in a need to feel indispensable. By setting clearer boundaries and involving her family in her schedule, Nancy learned to prioritize what truly mattered.

The modern culture of intensive mothering exacerbates this issue, with social media amplifying the pressure to be perfect both at work and home. Finding balance requires pushing back against these unrealistic expectations and focusing on personal priorities.

Habit 9: Minimizing.
Women often minimize themselves physically and verbally, undermining their authority. Sally observed this in a board meeting where women made themselves smaller to accommodate others, unlike men who maintained their space. This behavior sends a subservient message, diminishing women's presence and power.

Language plays a role too. Women often use minimizing words like "just" or "only," and hedge their statements to avoid seeming arrogant. This hedging can lead to being perceived as less committed.

Cultural expectations exacerbate these tendencies, with some cultures teaching women to be modest and deferential. However, adopting a more assertive stance is crucial for leadership.

To project a strong presence, women must learn to occupy their space fully. This means avoiding multitasking, which fragments attention and diminishes presence. Being fully present enhances empathy, credibility, and authority.

Breaking free from the perfection trap, disease to please, and minimizing behaviors can help women achieve higher levels of success. By setting boundaries, prioritizing effectively, and being fully present, women can lead with confidence and authority.

Escaping the Perfection Trap: Overcoming Gender-Based Challenges for Women in Leadership

Habit 10: Too Much.
In the professional world, women often find themselves accused of being "too much"—too emotional, too talkative, or too disclosing. This feedback can be confusing and stifling, leaving women feeling inauthentic and undermining their ability to inspire trust.

Too Much Emotion:
Women are more likely to express emotions like anxiety, frustration, or fear, often labeled as "too emotional." On the other hand, men might channel similar feelings into aggression. 

Rosa, an executive in a construction firm, learned to harness her emotions for success. Early in her career, she was stereotyped as a "volcanic Latina," but she turned this around by recognizing her emotions and responding thoughtfully. In a meeting, she expressed her dread about a project calmly and with conviction, which led her team to reconsider the deal. Her approach balanced emotion with logic, showcasing her authenticity and authority.

Too Many Words:
Research shows women speak more words daily than men, leading to feedback that they’re too talkative. In male-centric cultures, succinctness is valued, and women often over-explain or provide too much background. Sherry, a senior leader in a biotech company, honed her skill of being concise during her medical career. She found that being succinct was crucial in corporate settings. Sherry now coaches other women to be more concise, helping them make a stronger impact in meetings dominated by a "get to the bottom line" mentality.

Too Much Disclosure:
Women might overdisclose personal information, believing it builds relationships or shows authenticity. However, workplace trust is more about competence and reliability. Disclosure can diminish credibility, leading to negative perceptions. Understanding this, women can retain their strengths while being mindful of the professional boundaries.

Habit 11: Ruminating.
Rumination—repeatedly dwelling on past mistakes—is more common in women than men and can be detrimental. Ruminating often leads to self-blame and depression, inhibiting action and productivity.

Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema's research suggests interruption and distraction as effective ways to break the rumination cycle. Liza, a film producer, found herself ruminating over her diminished role in her company. A chance meeting with her former CEO's wife helped her realize that the changes were not about her, prompting her to focus on her future. She eventually decided to leave her job, feeling grateful rather than resentful.

Gina, a marketing executive, learned to combat rumination by reminding herself that men typically move on from their mistakes quickly. Adopting this mindset, she managed to pull herself back from negative thoughts during executive meetings, maintaining her confidence and decisiveness.

Habit 12: Letting Your Radar Distract You.
Women’s broad-spectrum notice, or “radar,” enables them to pick up on many details simultaneously. While this can be an asset in understanding relationships and contexts, it can also be distracting.

Taylor, an executive coach, found her radar undermined her during a presentation. She got distracted by audience reactions, leading her to lose focus. Her colleague, Mirette, advised her to reframe her perceptions—assuming a person’s negative expression might be due to personal issues rather than her performance. This helped Taylor refocus and manage her radar effectively.

Hadley, a garden designer, faced self-doubt when receiving an award. Instead of suppressing her thoughts, she shared her vulnerabilities during her acceptance speech, which resonated deeply with her audience. Reframing her narrative allowed her to embrace her feelings and communicate authentically.

Are Women's Habits of Being 'Too Much' Undermining Their Professional Success?

Ever felt stuck because of a habit you just can’t shake? Maybe it’s something that once worked for you but now holds you back. Letting go of these habits can be daunting, but oh-so-rewarding. The trick? Focus on one small change at a time. This approach is more sustainable and less overwhelming than overhauling your entire lifestyle overnight.

Take dieting, for instance. Cutting out bread and then cookies over time might be more effective than suddenly switching to a strict kale-only diet. Why? Because small, gradual changes give your body—and mind—time to adapt. The same goes for behavioral changes. Trying to change too much at once often leads to failure because it relies solely on willpower, which is hard to maintain. Instead, focus on one behavior until it becomes second nature.

Habits often come in clusters. For example, if you struggle with acknowledging your achievements (Habit 1), you might also expect others to recognize your contributions without your prompting (Habit 2). These habits are interlinked, and changing one can positively impact the others.

Start small. If you’re a people-pleaser, for instance, don’t suddenly start saying no to everything. Instead, begin by asking how important a task is to the person requesting it. This approach can make setting boundaries feel less daunting.

Miranda, a law firm associate, realized her need to please was hindering her career. By understanding her larger goal of becoming a top trial lawyer, she found the incentive to change. Unlike Vera, a perfectionist who lost sight of her real goals, Miranda’s clarity of purpose helped her make meaningful changes. Knowing your purpose can guide you in deciding which habit to change first.

Changing habits is tough, and nearly impossible to do alone. We all have a “built-in forgetter” that makes us default to old behaviors under stress. That’s where having a coach or a trusted colleague can be invaluable. They can remind you of your goals and keep you accountable.

Say you want to stop apologizing unnecessarily. Ask a colleague to signal you when you do it. Or if you need to highlight your achievements more, enlist a co-worker to give you feedback on how you present yourself in meetings. This not only helps you stick to your new habits but also strengthens your relationships at work.

When you get feedback, listen without interrupting. Thank the person for their input and follow up to show you’re taking their advice seriously. This not only helps you improve but also demonstrates your commitment to personal growth.

Consider peer coaching for a more structured approach. Find a colleague or friend who’s also interested in personal growth. Check in regularly to hold each other accountable. This method is reciprocal, making it less of a burden and more of a shared journey.

Mastering Personal Growth: The Power of Changing One Habit at a Time

You've identified a behavior you want to change, created a plan, and enlisted support. You're motivated—perhaps you want to set a great example for your daughter or believe more influential women will make the world a better place. But what might hold you back? Judgment—especially self-judgment. Women often judge themselves harshly, which can hinder progress.

Research and experience show women are more open to feedback but less forgiving of their flaws. This can be counterproductive, keeping them stuck in a cycle of self-critique. Forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness, is crucial. Let go of either/or thinking—no one is perfect or a disaster. Embrace your humanity.

One technique to combat self-judgment is "feedforward." Unlike feedback, which focuses on the past, feedforward is about seeking future-oriented advice. For example, if distraction is your issue, ask a colleague for ideas to stay focused. Just listen and thank them, no need to respond or justify.

Another simple but powerful technique is saying "oh well." This phrase signals self-acceptance and readiness to move on from mistakes. Sally found it transformative when she misidentified an interviewee's birthplace. Instead of spiraling into self-recrimination, she thought, "Oh well," corrected the mistake, and moved on. She even made "oh well" her mantra, sharing it with her husband, who also benefited.

Marshall Goldsmith often shares a Buddhist parable about two monks. One helps a woman cross a stream, violating a rule against touching women. The other monk criticizes him all the way back to the monastery. The first monk responds, "I only carried her across the stream. You carried her all the way back." The lesson: Don't carry your mistakes with you.

Consider a "to-don’t" list alongside your to-do list. Identify tasks or behaviors you want to let go of, like immediately answering the phone or engaging in gossip. This can help you focus on what truly matters and reduce overwhelm.

Judging others can also be a trap. If you're hard on yourself, you might be hard on others. Let go of these judgments to lighten your load and focus on positive change. Remember, most people are focused on themselves, so don't expect them to notice your improvements immediately.

In essence, let go of judgment—of yourself and others. Focus on the future, be kind to yourself, and use practical tools like feedforward, "oh well," and a to-don’t list to support your journey of positive change.

Are Women Holding Themself Back with Self-Judgment? How to Overcome and Initiate Positive Change!

Behaviors that once led to success can become obstacles at higher career levels. This insight is particularly relevant for women, who often face unique challenges like reluctance to claim credit, over-apologizing, and striving for perfection. Recognizing and changing these self-limiting behaviors is crucial for career progress and personal satisfaction.

It's important to focus on controllable behaviors despite external barriers like unconscious bias. Women often value work quality and impact over position and salary, which can lead to underinvestment in personal success. Strategic networking, balancing job excellence with long-term career planning, and leveraging relationships effectively are key strategies.

Adopting a mindset shift—like embracing healthy self-interest, moving past perfectionism, and avoiding the disease to please—can be transformative. Minimizing oneself physically and verbally undermines authority, so it's essential to project a strong presence. Overcoming habits like ruminating and letting your radar distract you can also enhance leadership effectiveness.

Small, gradual changes are more sustainable than drastic overhauls. Enlisting support from coaches or peers and focusing on future-oriented advice ("feedforward") rather than past mistakes can facilitate lasting change. 

Letting go of self-judgment and practicing self-forgiveness are crucial steps in this journey. Ultimately, recognizing and addressing these behaviors can lead to greater achievement and fulfillment in women's careers.

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How Women Rise

Sally Helgesen

8 Key ideas

23 MINS

4.7 (912)

Ever wondered how women navigate the professional world, balancing their authenticity with professionalism?

How do they break free from the societal pressures of perfectionism and the disease to please?

This collection of stories and insights explores these challenges and offers practical strategies for success.