Are you ready to unravel the power of attention, respect, and deep understanding in transforming lives and relationships? Are you curious about how a focus on empathy and compassion can bridge societal divides and foster genuine human connections? Let's explore together how our way of attending to others shapes our character and can make us treasured friends, partners, and community members.

How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

Growing up in a reserved Jewish family, David Brooks's childhood was unconventional. Conversations at home often ranged from Victorian funerary monuments to lactose intolerance. Despite growing up in a loving household, emotional expression was notably absent, which led David to become emotionally detached. Thriving in solitude, he found solace in writing rather than in socializing.

During high school, David's aloof nature became evident when he failed to understand why his crush, Bernice, chose someone else over him. It was a bewildering moment for him—surely, his writing prowess was superior! This detachment persisted into his college years at the University of Chicago, an environment where theoretical debates often overshadowed emotional connection.

Over time, however, life experiences began to thaw David's emotional reserve. Parenthood, personal failures, and the process of growing older forced him to confront his own vulnerabilities. A turning point came during a panel at the Public Theater in New York alongside Anne Hathaway and others. Amid the high emotions of that event, David felt, for the first time, a profound connection with those around him.

Determined to change, David embarked on a journey of emotional growth. Writing books on emotion and moral character became part of this transformation. Gradually, he worked to become more open-hearted, striving to be someone others could confide in and trust with their deepest fears. Oprah Winfrey herself once acknowledged his transformation, a moment of pride for David.

He soon recognized, however, that being open-hearted wasn’t enough; social skills were equally critical. Building relationships and truly understanding others required concrete actions like listening attentively, showing vulnerability, and offering forgiveness—skills that, unfortunately, weren’t taught in schools, leaving many people feeling lonely and disconnected.

Determined to master these skills, David devoted himself to understanding others on a deeper level. He came to see that truly perceiving someone was both an art and a way of life. It required empathy, curiosity, and the ability to appreciate the richness of another person's consciousness.

One transformative moment occurred as David observed his wife during a quiet, unguarded moment. He felt an overwhelming sense of connection, an intimate warmth, as though he truly saw her in all her complexity. Such moments of human connection, of deeply beholding another person, became, for David, the very essence of what it means to be a good person.

In an increasingly pluralistic society, David believes that understanding others is more important than ever. It helps bridge divides and fosters trust. For him, seeing others deeply is not merely about mastering techniques but about adopting a new posture toward people: being present, engaging in meaningful conversations, and valuing the humanity in others.

Through personal anecdotes and research, David has come to understand that seeing others deeply is both challenging and indispensable. It requires effort, training, and a commitment to recognizing the full humanity of others. Along this journey, David discovered that to truly know someone, one must see the world through their eyes and let them feel valued, heard, and understood. For him, this ability to deeply connect is the ultimate gift one can offer—to others and to oneself.

How Did Oprah Winfrey Inspire David's Emotional Transformation?

A few years back, David went to Waco, Texas, to meet community builders, folks who weave the fabric of civic life. One name kept coming up: LaRue Dorsey, a ninety-three-year-old Black woman. They met for breakfast, and she presented herself as tough and disciplined. 

Midway through their meal, a mutual friend, Jimmy Dorrell, entered. Jimmy, a vibrant man who serves the homeless, greeted Mrs. Dorsey with such infectious warmth that her stern demeanor melted into joy. This moment revealed the transformative power of attention and respect.

Jimmy’s approach to people, seeing them with reverence and affection, stems from his belief that every person has an immortal soul and infinite value. This mindset, whether you share his religious views or not, is about recognizing the dignity and worth in every individual. It’s about offering a warm, respectful gaze that sees people not as objects to be judged but as souls to be cherished.

This idea of seeing people well reminds David of how Dr. Ludwig Guttmann revolutionized the treatment of paraplegics by seeing them as "the best of men," leading to the creation of the Paralympic Games. Similarly, the novelist Iris Murdoch emphasized that morality is about how we pay attention to others, casting a "just and loving attention."

Therapist Mary Pipher embodies this approach in her practice, focusing on understanding and respecting her patients’ viewpoints. She believes that therapy is about paying pure, loving attention, which can transform relationships and lives.

Accompaniment, another crucial concept, is about being present and supportive in others’ lives, like Loren Eiseley’s experience of floating down a river, feeling connected to the broader ecosystem. In social life, this means being patient, playful, and willing to let relationships unfold naturally.

The essence of true connection is presence. Whether it’s standing by someone in their grief, as Gillian Sawyer’s friends did at a wedding, or simply being a witness to their life, presence speaks volumes without uttering a word.

Ultimately, our way of attending to others shapes who we become. If we see people with generosity, we become generous. This moral development, rooted in attention and accompaniment, is about acknowledging our shared humanity and walking together, even briefly, on life’s journey.

Jimmy Dorrell and LaRue Dorsey: Transformative Power of Respect and Attention

On December 26, 2004, French writer Emmanuel Carrère, his girlfriend Hélène, and their sons were vacationing in Sri Lanka. Their trip was disappointing, worsened by Carrère’s realization that he and Hélène were drifting apart. That morning, they canceled a scuba-diving lesson—a decision that saved their lives when the tsunami struck.

Carrère had met a French family at the hotel: Jérôme, Delphine, and their daughter, Juliette. Tragically, Juliette was swept away by the tsunami while playing on the beach. Her grandfather, who survived, had to break the news to her parents. The two families clung together, supporting each other in their grief and search for Juliette’s body.

During this crisis, Hélène emerged as a beacon of strength, organizing aid and comforting survivors. Her actions profoundly affected Carrère, who had felt useless. The experience opened his heart, and he realized his deep love for Hélène, leading to a renewed commitment to their relationship.

This story illustrates how individuals experience events differently based on their perspectives and life histories. Jérôme focused on saving his wife, Delphine struggled with her loss, Hélène found purpose in helping others, and Carrère shifted from self-absorption to empathy.

Understanding others requires seeing beyond objective events to how individuals perceive and interpret their experiences. This subjective layer is crucial for deep connections, as emphasized by psychologist Marc Brackett and writer Anaïs Nin.

Carrère’s transformation shows how trauma can profoundly change one’s worldview. Initially, he saw himself as loveless and isolated. The tsunami forced him to connect deeply with others, reshaping his perspective and leading to a more compassionate view of life and love.

To truly understand others, we must engage in meaningful conversations, listening actively and asking open-ended questions that reveal how they construct their reality. This approach fosters deeper connections and mutual understanding, transforming both our relationships and ourselves.

How Did a Tsunami Transform Emmanuel Carrère's Perspective on Love and Life?

The crisis of connection has profoundly changed how we interact, resulting in a society marked by emotional, relational, and spiritual crises. Trust and intimacy are eroding, with rising rates of depression, loneliness, and even suicide. 

Between 1999 and 2019, American suicide rates increased by 33 percent, and the percentage of teens feeling persistently sad or hopeless soared from 26 percent to 44 percent by 2021. More people report having no close friends, and loneliness is pervasive, affecting 36 percent of Americans frequently.

This social disconnection has led to a culture of distrust and hostility. Hate crimes are at a twelve-year high, and fewer Americans donate to charity. Public spaces like restaurants and hospitals report increased abusive behavior, and only 19 percent of millennials believe most people can be trusted.

Political polarization exacerbates the crisis, as people seek belonging and identity in partisan tribes, leading to a politics of recognition fueled by resentment. This division often manifests in social interactions, where people struggle to see beyond their own perspectives.

In David's travels, he has encountered bitterness and frustration firsthand. Conversations across ideological divides are fraught with misunderstanding and anger. For instance, during a panel on the culture war, he faced contempt from a Black intellectual who saw his detached analysis as cluelessness to her daily struggles.

Knowing someone well requires seeing them as unique individuals, members of their groups, and understanding their social context. Conversations across differences demand awareness of power dynamics and a shared pool of knowledge to avoid miscommunication.

On a personal level, the pain of depression is a formidable challenge. David's friend Pete's battle with severe depression taught him about the abyss of this illness. Depression distorts time, space, and self, making simple tasks insurmountable. Pete, a successful eye surgeon, succumbed to suicide in 2022 after three years of relentless struggle.

Supporting someone with depression means acknowledging their reality, being present, and offering unconditional love. Despite our efforts, the illness can be overpowering, leaving loved ones grappling with grief and the realization that sometimes, the illness is just too big.

Ultimately, reconnecting with one another and rebuilding trust requires a focus on moral formation—teaching kindness, generosity, and respect. It means seeing others deeply, understanding their perspectives, and fostering genuine human connections even amid societal strife.

The Crisis of Connection: How Rising Loneliness and Distrust are Shaping Society

Recognition is a fundamental human need, as Andy Crouch notes in "The Life We’re Looking For." From birth, babies seek a face that acknowledges them, and when they are ignored, they suffer deeply. Psychologists' "still face" experiments reveal that babies experiencing unresponsive caregivers collapse in misery, highlighting the vital need for being seen. This idea resonates with philosopher Martin Buber's assertion that a child's soul development is tied to their longing for recognition and love.

As adults, our early experiences shape our self-worth and interactions. Warm, loving childhood environments lead to healthier, more secure adults, as shown in the Grant Study of Harvard men. Those who experienced warmth at home were more successful, happier in retirement, and better at forming relationships. Conversely, those from cold, unloving homes faced more mental health issues and social struggles.

Traumas and defenses developed in childhood often persist into adulthood. For instance, avoidance, deprivation, hyperactive threat detection, and passive aggression are common defenses against emotional pain. These defenses, while initially protective, can become outdated and limit personal growth.

Empathy is crucial for understanding and healing these wounds. It's not just about feeling for someone but involves skills like mirroring emotions, mentalizing others' experiences, and genuinely caring. Empathy can be cultivated through practices like close observation, reading complex literature, and engaging in expressive writing.

Grief and trauma can disrupt our assumptions about life, but they also offer opportunities for growth. People who accommodate their experiences, rather than assimilate them, often emerge stronger and more empathetic. Sharing stories and reinterpreting past events helps in constructing new, resilient identities.

Character isn't just about individual willpower; it's about building connections and being present for others. The Illuminator model of character development emphasizes social interactions, empathy, and recognition. True character is displayed through daily acts of kindness, understanding, and support, ultimately helping others to see their own strength and worth.

Can Empathy and Recognition Shape Our Lives?

George W. Bush was an extroverted child, always eager to engage with people, even blurting out cheeky remarks at Sunday school. This trait carried into his political career, where he famously kissed a Democrat rival to defuse a tense moment, showcasing his ability to connect instantly. Yet, Bush's high extroversion was coupled with low curiosity, a blend that led to significant decisions like the Iraq War.

Understanding personality traits is crucial, not just for Bush, but for everyone. A healthy society needs a variety of personalities—extroverts for energy, conscientious people for organization, neurotics for vigilance, agreeable folks for harmony, and open individuals for innovation. However, public understanding of personality is skewed, often favoring unscientific tools like the Myers-Briggs test over the empirically supported Big Five traits: extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, agreeableness, and openness.

For instance, extroverts, like Bush, seek positive emotions and social approval, often being the life of the party but also prone to risk-taking and anger. Conscientious people are disciplined and reliable, contributing to their success but sometimes becoming obsessive. 

Neurotic individuals experience emotions intensely, which can lead to struggles but also make them valuable in recognizing threats. Agreeable people excel in empathy and cooperation, crucial for social harmony. Open individuals thrive on new experiences and creativity, though they might struggle with conventional settings.

Understanding these traits helps in personal relationships and professional settings. For example, a high conscientiousness might predict career success, while high neuroticism might indicate sensitivity to stress. Recognizing and nurturing these traits, as seen in the diverse lives of the Brontë sisters or the transformation of a rigidly conscientious man into a compassionate mentor, underscores the importance of personality in shaping lives and fostering growth.

Ultimately, personality traits, while not the whole story, provide a significant lens through which to understand and interact with others, paving the way for richer, more empathetic relationships and effective community building.

George W. Bush and the Power of Personality Traits

David once spoke with Dan McAdams, a Northwestern psychology professor, about his research on personal narratives—how people tell the stories of their lives. He conducts interviews to uncover life stories, asking about the highs, lows, and turning points. 

Many participants find the experience cathartic, often moved to tears, yet invigorated by the chance to share their untold stories. This highlights a societal gap—we seldom share or ask about personal stories, partly due to busy lives and social anxieties.

Nicholas Epley, a behavioral psychologist, noticed that people on his commuter train were engrossed in screens instead of connecting with each other. His experiments revealed that both introverts and extroverts enjoyed conversations more than solitary commutes. The misconception that others aren't interested in talking leads to this missed opportunity for joy. Encouraging storytelling can change this, as people are eager to be heard and understood.

Inspired by Epley’s research, David now engage with strangers more, leading to memorable encounters. Recently, on a flight, he spoke with an elderly man who shared his extraordinary life story, from immigrating alone from Russia to living a life filled with adventure. This approach has enriched his conversations, shifting them from mere exchanges to storytelling sessions.

Psychologist Jerome Bruner distinguishes between paradigmatic and narrative thinking. Paradigmatic is analytical, while narrative captures personal stories, revealing the individual behind the data. Our culture often favors the former, but embracing the narrative mode can lead to deeper understanding and connection.

Zora Neale Hurston’s life exemplifies the power of personal narrative. Born in Alabama, she grew up in Eatonville, an all-Black town that shaped her storytelling. Despite her father’s disapproval, her mother encouraged her to "jump at the sun." Hurston’s writings celebrated the individuality of Black life, resisting stereotypes. Her stories were rooted in her cultural heritage, yet they focused on unique personal experiences.

Cultural background profoundly influences people, shaping perspectives through inherited beliefs and values. Understanding this interplay enriches our perception of others, allowing us to see them as both cultural inheritors and creators. Such dual vision helps us appreciate individuals beyond simplistic categories.

When engaging with others, David strives to understand their cultural and personal narratives. This involves asking about their roots, how they embrace or challenge their culture, and how past generations influence them. By doing so, we can see beyond stereotypes and truly understand the person before us.

Can Embracing Hurston’s Storytelling Transform Our Connections?

David loves stories where one person truly sees another. Recently, his friend shared that his daughter, struggling to fit in at school, was transformed by her teacher's comment: "You’re really good at thinking before you speak." It turned her perceived weakness into a strength. This reminded David of being called out by his eleventh-grade English teacher for "glibness." Though it felt humiliating, it was also enlightening. She saw him, and it made him realize he needed to speak more thoughtfully.

A woman David knows shared that at thirteen, after being brought home drunk from her first party, her strict father didn't punish her but said, “You’ve had an experience.” He knew she was already punishing herself. He saw her.

These moments of being truly seen are profound. Franklin Roosevelt once saw young Lyndon Johnson's potential and foresaw his future as a pivotal leader. Writers like Guy de Maupassant capture such insights into characters with a single line.

Wisdom isn’t about knowing facts; it’s about understanding people. Wise people don’t tell us what to do. They witness our stories and help us navigate the complexities of life. They create a safe space for us to explore our thoughts and feelings.

Tracy Kidder’s book "Strength in What Remains" about Deogratia from Burundi is a testament to deep understanding. Kidder spent years with Deo, even retracing his harrowing journey through genocide, to truly capture his story.

Lori Gottlieb, a therapist, illustrates this in "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" with her patient John. Initially a self-absorbed narcissist, John’s true self emerged through Gottlieb’s patience and compassion.

The movie "Good Will Hunting" also showcases this. Robin Williams’ character sees through Will’s bravado to his vulnerable core, helping him confront his fears.

Wisdom is a social skill, practiced in relationships. It’s about creating communities of truth where we explore each other's minds with respect and honesty. It’s about being seen and understood, as Kathryn Schulz’s father was by his family in his final moments.

Even after years of study, David realizes there’s always more to learn about truly seeing others. It’s a continuous journey of learning to ask the right questions and being present in crucial moments.

Ultimately, being seen and seeing others with compassion and understanding is what makes us treasured friends, partners, and members of our communities.

Seeing Through the Lens of Compassion: From Roosevelt to Robin Williams

Reflecting on personal growth and emotional evolution, we can recognize the importance of emotional connection and vulnerability. While solitude and writing have their merits, it's through life's experiences—parenthood, failures, and aging—that emotional detachment is challenged, leading to a deeper understanding of oneself and others. Emotional growth isn't just about being open-hearted; it necessitates social skills like listening, empathy, and forgiveness, which foster genuine connections.

Seeing others deeply transforms relationships, requiring us to engage with empathy, curiosity, and respect for their individuality. It's an art that demands presence and the ability to appreciate the richness of another's experience. This profound connection becomes the essence of goodness, bridging societal divides and fostering trust.

Understanding others goes beyond objective events; it's about perceiving subjective experiences, which is crucial for empathy and healing. Personality traits play a significant role in shaping interactions and relationships, highlighting the need for diverse perspectives in society.

Narrative thinking, as opposed to analytical paradigmatic thinking, reveals personal stories and cultural backgrounds, enriching our understanding of others. Truly seeing someone involves recognizing their strengths and vulnerabilities, offering them a space to explore their thoughts without judgment. Wisdom lies in understanding people, witnessing their stories, and guiding them through life's complexities.

Ultimately, the journey of truly seeing others is continuous, requiring compassion, understanding, and presence. It’s through these authentic connections that we become cherished members of our communities, fostering trust, intimacy, and emotional growth.

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Are you ready to unravel the power of attention, respect, and deep understanding in transforming lives and relationships?

Are you curious about how a focus on empathy and compassion can bridge societal divides and foster genuine human connections?

Let's explore together how our way of attending to others shapes our character and can make us treasured friends, partners, and community members.

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