What do homemade cheese puffs, cluttered garages, and lessons from Terry Real have in common? They’re all part of a journey to reclaim harmony in marriage, family, and self amidst the chaos of modern parenting. From decluttering mental and physical spaces to reigniting intimacy and balancing household roles, this story dives into the art of turning everyday struggles into growth.

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

When Jancee Dunn, the author, was six months pregnant, her friends bombarded her with parenting advice, from hospital flip-flops to frozen pads for postpartum comfort. But one warning stood out: "Get ready to hate your husband," said her friend Lauren. Confident in her decade-long relationship, Jancee dismissed her words. 

Yet soon after their baby arrived, their first screaming match erupted over something as trivial as the Diaper Genie. Suddenly, petty conflicts and household chores turned into battles, revealing a deep-seated resentment Jancee hadn't anticipated.

Their daughter is now six, and Jancee's husband Tom and she still find themselves in endless arguments. Despite being freelance writers working from home, they'd slipped into traditional gender roles after their daughter was born. Jancee handled most of the childcare and housework, while Tom seemed to float in a happy bubble, indulging in leisurely activities. Their marriage had become a simmering cauldron of resentment, a reality echoed by many other mothers who feel more stressed by their husbands than their children.

Research supports this, revealing that men often contribute less to household duties, even when both parents work. Studies show that marital satisfaction plummets after having a baby, largely due to sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, and inequitable workload distribution. The emotional toll on children is significant too, with frequent parental fights impacting their development and sense of security.

Determined to break this cycle, Jancee plans to explore every possible strategy to restore harmony in their marriage. With a fresh perspective and expert advice, she aims to create a home that's a haven for all of them, embracing the change brought by parenthood and nurturing the family she's always wanted.

Can Parenthood Survive the Marital Strain After Baby?

The weekend plan Jancee devised to ease family tensions was overshadowed by the comforting chaos of a family gathering at her parents’ house. Her two sisters, Dinah and Heather, along with their families, joined the event, each bringing their unique flair. Dinah, an ever-generous book editor, arrived with her lively Marine veteran husband, Patrick, whose sense of humor lifted everyone's spirits. 

Heather, a beloved kindergarten teacher cherished by her students, and her laid-back husband, Rob, added their presence to the vibrant kitchen scene. Meanwhile, the nieces and nephews rummaged through their grandfather’s pantry, a treasure trove of expired snacks, thanks to his skepticism about expiration dates. Jancee’s father, a retired J.C. Penney manager, entertained the family with his theories on traffic, phone bill scams, and the virtues of Costco gin, embodying his ever-practical "Dad Mode."

Amidst the lively kitchen chatter, Heather shared a story about a domestic spat with Rob over house chores, sparking a spirited family debate. Jancee’s parents reminisced—and argued—about their own parenting days, while Rob expressed his frustration over the endless cycle of household responsibilities. Jancee’s husband, Tom, added his perspective with a scientific analogy, likening domestic disputes to the way people see different images in an optical illusion.

As the conversation shifted to the challenges of modern parenting, Jancee found herself inspired to investigate the common struggles faced by new parents. For instance, why did fathers often remain blissfully asleep while mothers jumped out of bed at the slightest sound from their baby? 

Research suggested men might genuinely not hear the baby’s cries, while women, equipped with heightened senses, instinctively responded to potential threats to their offspring. Though this knowledge might reduce frustration, Jancee noted that the theory of selective hearing remained a plausible explanation.

The discussion also broached the topic of why men seemed to seek escape hatches from family life. Some experts suggested this behavior stemmed from the life changes accompanying fatherhood or perhaps a subconscious drive to rebuild testosterone. Whether these escapes—like marathon training or car washes—were evolutionary or cultural, they appeared to be part of the male parental experience.

As Jancee dived deeper, she realized many of these issues boiled down to communication and perception. Research indicated that men often missed nonverbal cues of distress, while women frequently felt judged for any perceived domestic shortcomings. However, studies also showed that fathers could develop nurturing instincts similar to those of mothers, demonstrating that caregiving wasn’t inherently tied to gender.

Reflecting on her own marriage, Jancee recognized the need for change. Her husband, Tom, initially resisted the idea of couples therapy, viewing it as a pointless endeavor. However, Jancee calmly explained that without change, their marriage might not survive. Her honest plea and Tom’s curiosity eventually led him to agree, albeit reluctantly, to seek professional help.

Through these explorations, Jancee came to understand that addressing the root causes of frustrations—whether through humor, science, or therapy—could help families navigate the complexities of life together. In doing so, perhaps they could all find a way to grow closer amidst the inevitable chaos of family life.

Navigating Family Chaos: From Costco Gin to Modern Parenting Insights

Meet Terry Real, a no-nonsense family therapist from Boston famous for rescuing couples on the brink of divorce. With a reputation akin to an East Coast Dr. Phil, Real charges $800 an hour for his tough-love sessions. 

Jancee and her husband, Tom, decide to take the plunge, hoping Real can help them navigate their recurring battles over childcare, housework, and finances—conflicts they realize are taking a toll on their health and marriage.

Their session with Real is intense and eye-opening. Real quickly points out how their communication issues are affecting their daughter, Sylvie, and dissects their personal and romantic histories to unearth key issues. He challenges Tom on his tendency to be self-absorbed and Jancee on her temper, urging them to be more supportive partners. Real's insights are both painful and liberating, prompting the couple to make real efforts to change.

Inspired by the session, Jancee and Tom seek advice from Gary Noesner, a former FBI crisis negotiator, to learn techniques for de-escalating their arguments. They explore active listening and empathy, discovering that these skills can be transformative in their marriage. With Tom's newfound negotiation tactics, they start working on their relationship, aiming to break their toxic patterns.

The couple decides to embark on a Zero Negativity Challenge from renowned therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, aiming for thirty days of positive interaction. It's a rocky start, but Jancee and Tom are committed to the journey, hopeful that these steps will lead them to a healthier, happier marriage.

Can Terry Real's Tough Love Sessions and FBI Tactics Rescue Your Marriage?

One evening, Jancee visited her sister Dinah's house in New Jersey, where the family was buzzing with typical evening chaos. Dinah, who works long hours in Manhattan, was unwinding with cereal after a long day, while her husband Patrick had been handling school pickups and dinner. They chatted about a recent trip Jancee and her husband Tom took to see therapist Terry Real. 

Patrick, ever the joker, couldn't fathom why they spent money to essentially get "yelled at." But Jancee explained that Real’s method of having them confront the negative cycles in their relationship was eye-opening. It even prompted Tom to start doing the dishes without being asked.

The conversation shifted to household chores—a topic that Dinah and Patrick also navigated in their marriage. Patrick admitted to occasionally needing reminders to help out, while Dinah expressed frustration at having to ask. This dynamic is common in many households, according to studies showing that when chores are shared equally, couples are happier and divorce rates drop. Yet, many women, including Jancee, struggle to clearly express their needs for help at home, often feeling societal pressures to handle everything themselves.

Jancee realized that her reluctance to ask Tom for help stemmed from deep-seated beliefs and a fear of being seen as demanding. Inspired by friends and experts, she decided to be more direct. Using strategies suggested by experts like psychologist Joshua Coleman, she started having "intentional conversations" with Tom about dividing tasks. Surprisingly, when she approached him with a calm and clear request for him to take their daughter to a party, he agreed without hesitation.

Dinah and Patrick's discussion about chores mirrored challenges in Jancee's own marriage. As Jancee and Tom began to negotiate and clearly divide responsibilities, their home life improved. They established regular "managerial meetings" to review their system—although not always fun, these meetings fostered cooperation and understanding.

Jancee learned the importance of letting go of perfectionism. Not everything needs to be perfect, and sometimes it’s okay to prioritize rest over chores. Inspired by Brené Brown's advice, she started creating "white space" in her calendar, cutting unnecessary activities, and allowing herself downtime.

Most importantly, Jancee discovered that stepping back and allowing Tom to take on more responsibilities not only helped balance their workload but also set a positive example for their daughter. As Jancee learned to leave the house for breaks, Tom grew more confident in managing things on his own. This shift benefited their family dynamic, showing their daughter that both parents share equal roles in the household.

By embracing these changes, Jancee and Tom’s relationship grew stronger, and their household became more harmonious.

Revamping Relationships: Embrace Equality with Terry Real's Therapy Insights

It was a typical late afternoon, and with their daughter at dance class, Jancee and her husband, Tom, found themselves in the kitchen. When Jancee suggested pasta Bolognese for dinner, Tom hesitated, sparking a comedic yet passive-aggressive exchange about meat consumption. This minor kitchen skirmish was reflective of their inability to argue like adults, which ultimately led them to the teachings of John and Julie Gottman, renowned experts in couples research.

The Gottmans, who have studied relationships for decades, categorize couples as "masters" and "disasters." They provide guidance on avoiding the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" in arguments: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. For example, they explain that stonewalling can have a profound emotional impact, much like the Still Face experiment, where babies become distressed when their caregiver becomes unresponsive.

Determined to improve their communication, Jancee delved into the Gottmans' advice, learning strategies such as using “softened startups” and expressing feelings with “I” statements to avoid assigning blame. When Tom returned from a grocery run with a party spread instead of the essentials, Jancee tried using a strategic, empathetic approach to express her feelings. To her surprise, this led to a greater sense of understanding between them.

Although arguments still occasionally flared up, the couple learned to take breaks and use humor or small gestures to repair their interactions. A significant breakthrough came when they recognized the importance of "turn-toward bids"—small cues for attention that, if ignored, could erode their connection.

Jancee and Tom began focusing on the “three As”: affection, appreciation, and admiration, striving for a balance of positive interactions. This shift was challenging but essential; even simple thank-yous became meaningful gestures, creating a cycle of gratitude and warmth.

Their journey toward better communication included a session with therapist Guy Winch. During this session, they shared lists of each other’s strengths and annoyances, an exercise that proved enlightening and revealed a deep reservoir of unspoken appreciation.

Throughout this process, Jancee and Tom aimed to model healthier conflict resolution for their daughter, Sylvie. They shared their story with her, from their quirky first date to their enduring love, as a way to reinforce their bond as a family.

In the end, it was the small, everyday actions and the conscious effort to value and appreciate each other that began to transform their relationship. These moments reminded Jancee and Tom that love thrives in the little things as much as it does in grand gestures.

Can the Gottmans' Secrets to Harmonious Relationships Help?

Weekends after having kids can feel like a whirlwind. Take Jancee's sister Heather, for example. On a typical Friday, Heather juggles work, grocery runs, and hosting a slumber party for her son and his friends. Her Saturdays are filled with making breakfast for a group of kids, shuttling them to playdates, and attending her son's soccer practices. Sundays are no less hectic, with soccer tournaments dominating most of the day. 

Heather’s packed schedule reflects the reality for many parents navigating the world of organized youth sports, a growing industry that even includes travel agencies dedicated to booking accommodations for traveling teams. The leisure time parents once enjoyed has been replaced with a tightly packed agenda, leaving little room for relaxation.

The irony is that while parents long for downtime, children are brimming with energy. This contrast often turns parents into chauffeurs or event organizers. Caroline, a part-time freelancer and mother, observes how weekends become a puzzle of scheduling—skipping a shower to squeeze in a coffee run becomes a small trade-off to save time. Meanwhile, work commitments often bleed into weekends, further blurring the distinction between professional and family life.

In Jancee's own household, she and her partner Tom have managed to alleviate some weekday stress by clearly dividing responsibilities. However, weekends remain a challenge. Her friend Marea, a stay-at-home mom, finds her weekends mirror her weekdays, with her husband using the opportunity to recharge while she continues to manage the household.

Caitlin Moran, a feminist writer, argues that a fair division of labor at home should be the norm, not the exception. Moran and her husband practice shared parenting, and she advocates for negotiation in relationships to prevent resentment from building.

For others, like Jancee's friend Jenny, planning is crucial. Jenny’s family holds regular meetings to decide on weekend activities, allowing each member to voice their preferences. This type of shared decision-making helps distribute the workload more evenly. Julie Morgenstern, a time management consultant, recommends dividing weekends into distinct units of time, allocating blocks for chores, fun, and relaxation to ensure everyone has a chance to recharge.

The importance of taking time to recharge cannot be overstated. Research by Ellen Galinsky reveals that children value their parents being less stressed more than the sheer quantity of time spent together. Often, it’s the small, everyday rituals that create the most meaningful family memories, rather than grand vacations or big gestures.

In Jancee’s family, they’ve embraced what they call the "Everybody Sort of Wins" approach, finding joy even in the mundane. Whether it’s treating themselves to a coffee or catching up on a podcast while at the park, these small moments of happiness add up. They’ve also learned to let go of perfection, encouraging their daughter to take on chores, which helps teach her independence and responsibility.

Ultimately, weekends with kids can be rewarding when approached with creativity and shared responsibility. It’s about finding joy amidst the chaos and cherishing the sweet, small moments that make family life so special.

Navigating Parenthood: Caitlin Moran's Guide to Weekend Bliss

One evening, Jancee's daughter's bedtime routine stretched on as she asked for a story from Jancee's childhood in Pittsburgh. Jancee recounted a memory of riding in the front seat of a Buick LeSabre without seat belts, her mom's arm as her only safety measure. This led to Sylvie’s favorite part of the story where Jancee's mom, smoking a cigarette, nearly set Jancee's hair on fire during a sudden stop. 

After Sylvie finally drifted to sleep, it was time for Jancee's cherished "Mom Party"—a solo celebration featuring snacks, a calming drink, and some guilty pleasure reading. Just as Jancee settled in with a bag of SunChips, her husband, Tom, tried to initiate a back rub, which Jancee knew had motives beyond relaxation. Their sex life had hit a rut, hindered by the exhausting demands of parenting.

Research supports the challenges new parents face—fatigue, stress, and hormonal changes can all dampen desire. But the real hurdle was transitioning from "mom" back to "vixen." Experts suggest that couples need to prioritize intimacy, even if that means scheduling it. So, inspired by a book challenge, Jancee proposed a week-long "Sexperiment" with Tom.

They tried various tactics: creating distance to ignite desire, setting the mood with massages, and finding the right time by putting their daughter to bed early. These efforts rekindled their connection, proving that physical intimacy is essential for a strong relationship. 

Meanwhile, their financial worries loomed large, particularly after their daughter was born. Money became a source of tension, with Tom and Jancee arguing over expenses. Inspired by a friend, Jancee sought financial therapy, learning that their money issues were deeply emotional, not just fiscal. By understanding their different "money scripts," they could communicate better and build a healthier financial partnership.

Through these shared challenges—from intimacy to finances—Tom and Jancee rediscovered the importance of communication and connection, strengthening their bond as partners and parents.

Can a Sexperiment and Financial Therapy Save a Marriage?

On a rainy Saturday, Jancee found herself on the couch with her sister Heather, indulging in homemade cheese puffs while surrounded by the clutter of her family’s belongings. 

Heather’s complaint about her husband Rob’s laid-back attitude towards mess instantly resonated with Jancee. Their sisters’ group had long shared this marital woe. But as their families grew, so did the tension around clutter. Rob’s cheerful excuse for not cleaning the garage was met with Heather’s exasperation, a scene all too familiar in many households.

Clutter isn’t just a minor inconvenience; it’s a major stressor. Studies show it ranks high among stress factors for Americans, akin to financial worries. Acknowledging this, Jancee decided to call in Barbara Reich, a renowned professional organizer, to work her magic on Heather’s home. Reich, a whirlwind of efficiency, tackled Heather’s mess with military precision, turning chaos into calm and offering practical tips to maintain order.

The clutter, Reich explained, was more than just physical mess—it was a mental burden. Mothers, in particular, suffered higher stress levels due to clutter, as it symbolized unfinished tasks and chaos. By the end of the day, Heather felt lighter, free from the weight of disorder, and hopeful for fewer bickering sessions with Rob.

Meanwhile, societal norms are slowly shifting towards more equitable household roles, with younger generations aspiring to share responsibilities equally. Yet reality often lags behind ideals, especially when new parents face workplace policies that reinforce traditional gender roles. However, change is on the horizon, propelled by public figures and companies embracing family-first policies, showing that shared parenting isn’t just a woman’s issue but a family one.

Heather’s decluttering journey wasn’t just about creating a tidy home; it was a step towards a more harmonious household. As Jancee returned to his own home, inspired by Reich’s visit, she realized the true gift of decluttering: peace of mind and a stronger family bond. As Heather’s garage metaphorically cleared, so did the path to a more balanced and joyful family life.

Declutter Your Mind: Barbara Reich's Magic Transforms Chaos into Calm

Having a child can challenge even the strongest relationships, often leading to unexpected conflicts and resentment. Many couples slip into traditional gender roles, with one partner shouldering the majority of childcare and housework, creating a simmering tension that can strain the marriage. 

This imbalance often leads to increased stress for mothers, who report feeling more burdened by their partners than their children. Research shows that unequal distribution of household duties and lack of effective communication are significant contributors to marital dissatisfaction.

Recognizing these issues, it's crucial to address the root causes of frustration and embrace change. Engaging in therapy can be a transformative experience, revealing the impact of poor communication on both partners and children. Through therapy, couples can learn to be more supportive and empathetic, addressing personal flaws and working towards a balanced partnership.

Communication plays a vital role in resolving conflicts, with strategies like active listening and expressing needs clearly being essential. Sharing responsibilities and letting go of perfectionism can ease tensions, while regular check-ins can foster cooperation. Embracing the "Everybody Sort of Wins" approach helps find joy in chaos and strengthens family bonds.

Intimacy, often neglected due to parenting demands, is vital for a strong relationship. Prioritizing physical connection, even if scheduled, can reignite passion and reinforce partnership. Financial issues may also strain relationships, but addressing underlying emotional aspects can lead to healthier financial dynamics.

Clutter, a stress factor comparable to financial concerns, can exacerbate household tensions. Decluttering not only creates a tidy home but also reduces mental burdens, promoting harmony. As societal norms shift towards equitable household roles, embracing shared responsibilities can enhance family life.

Ultimately, the key to a harmonious household lies in communication, sharing tasks, and appreciating each other. By focusing on small, everyday gestures and maintaining open dialogue, couples can navigate the complexities of family life and strengthen their bond.

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How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

Jancee Dunn

9 Key ideas

22 MINS

What do homemade cheese puffs, cluttered garages, and lessons from Terry Real have in common?

They’re all part of a journey to reclaim harmony in marriage, family, and self amidst the chaos of modern parenting. From decluttering mental and physical spaces to reigniting intimacy and balancing household roles, this story dives into the art of turning everyday struggles into growth.