Are you ready to examine your relationships, confront your dysfunctions, and redefine your boundaries? Curious about how biblical instances can guide us to establish healthier patterns in our lives? Interested to explore the fine line between being emotionally available and emotionally overexerted? Dive in to discover how healthy boundaries can lead to more fulfilling relationships, personal growth, and a stronger sense of self.

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

“You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken,” Lysa TerKeurst, the author, told her counselor, and later her husband of nearly three decades. Rebuilding trust is fragile, and the setbacks are cruel. Their relationship was filled with broken promises, lies, and recurring addictions. Despite Lysa's love and forgiveness, reality demanded change.

Addictions spiraled, triggering painful memories and warnings that screamed in Lysa's head. Her counselor explained these triggers as reminders of past trauma, making her feel unsafe and anxious. She realized she couldn’t fix the problem by herself. The boundary they had set was repeatedly crossed, and Lysa knew it was time to let go.

Drawing boundaries is crucial. They help put out fires before they become all-consuming. If the chaos persists, sometimes the only option is to say goodbye. It’s not unchristian to require people to treat us in healthy ways. Boundaries are God’s idea, woven into His creation to maintain order and prevent chaos.

Friendships, like any other relationship, can turn from fulfilling to frustrating. Lysa had a friendship that felt like walking on a beach filled with sand spurs. The pain caused by repeated issues made it hard to enjoy the good times. She blamed herself for being too sensitive, tried to adjust her expectations, and even reduced the time spent together, but nothing worked.

The real issue was the emotional access Lysa had given her friend. Access must be carefully protected, much like keys to our homes or passwords to our accounts. Proverbs 4:23 advises us to guard our hearts actively. Love can be unconditional, but relational access should not be. God’s boundaries in relationships, like those in the Bible, highlight the importance of responsibility.

Unchecked misuse of a relationship can lead to abuse. If someone is irresponsible with our hearts, they should not be granted great access. Boundaries protect intimacy, not destroy it. By requiring the correct level of responsibility for the access given, we can maintain healthy relationships.

In essence, setting boundaries is about protecting ourselves for love, not from it. It’s a way to love others without losing ourselves. Boundaries are not meant to perpetuate pain but to prioritize safety. Whether it’s a difficult relationship or a destructive one, boundaries help us navigate and maintain healthy dynamics.

Are Healthy Boundaries the Key to Saving Your Relationships?

Relationships often falter not from the conversations we have, but from the essential ones we avoid. Conversations pave the way for addressing issues and fostering healthy relationship patterns. On a continuum, relationships can be constructive or destructive, with dysfunction being a key factor that pushes them toward the negative end.

Everyone has dysfunctions; it's human. Acknowledging them is the first step toward healthier relationships. For instance, Lysa once had a bizarre situation where her hot water depended on the back floodlights being on. Instead of fixing it, she adapted, showcasing how sometimes dysfunctions are accepted as normal. This scenario represents how often the extent of dysfunctions in lives and relationships is not realized.

Dysfunction means things aren't working as they should, like a child parenting their mother or a spouse becoming a savior. Distortions of reality, such as anxiety or low self-esteem, feed these dysfunctions. Ignoring issues increases dysfunction, which can escalate from difficult to destructive when truth is manipulated or denied.

A personal experience with a friend revealed Lysa's codependent tendencies. Her friend's words and actions affected her well-being because she allowed her too much access without requiring the same responsibility. This realization led Lysa to define what she needs in relationships: trust, truthfulness, transparency, tenderness, and a team approach.

Proverbs 17:17-18 emphasizes the importance of balancing access and responsibility in relationships. Good boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships.

Boundaries sometimes fail because they are not enforced. Lysa often prioritized others' needs over her own, hinting at boundaries instead of clearly stating them. This leads to frustration and resentment when boundaries are violated.

God’s example shows the importance of boundaries. In Genesis, He gave Adam and Eve a clear boundary with consequences. When they violated it, their access and freedom were affected. This teaches us that boundaries define and protect freedom, and consequences are necessary for violations.

Healthy boundaries require consistent enforcement. If boundaries are dropped too soon, dysfunction will resurface. Changed behaviors must reflect deeper, foundational changes. If not, the cycle of chaos continues, leading to emotional exhaustion and unhealthy relationships.

Good boundaries focus on self-control and managing actions, while bad boundaries focus on controlling others. For example, in a disagreement with a family member, a good boundary involves managing emotions and responses rather than rallying others to pressure them into changing.

In short, boundaries help us stay fixed on what is good and acceptable, protecting our well-being. They won't fix others but will help maintain health and safety in relationships. Remember, boundaries are for our good and are modeled by God.

Unlocking Relationship Health: Lessons from Proverbs and Personal Boundaries

Lysa loves good smells. They bring joy to her soul, whether it’s a pot roast in the crockpot, fresh roses, or the early morning salt air at the beach. A few years ago, she received a thoughtful gift bag from a church, including a bottle of body spray that she loved. 

She used it daily, raving about it to friends, until one day her friend texted her a picture of the bottle, revealing it was actually “Poop Spray,” meant to cover bathroom smells. She was horrified but learned an important lesson: good things can become wrong things if used incorrectly.

This incident made Lysa realize that people are often good at setting boundaries in some areas of their lives, like their bank accounts or physical health, but struggle with emotional boundaries. Emotional overexertion can be as harmful as overdrawn finances. Research has shown that stress can lead to physical ailments like headaches and, in Lysa's case, severe health issues during a stressful marriage.

Ignoring emotional misuse and abuse can lead to severe consequences. It’s crucial to recognize when someone’s actions are damaging and to set boundaries. This involves acknowledging emotional limitations and implementing necessary changes to protect our well-being. For instance, reducing someone's access to us if they consistently misuse it.

Boundaries help maintain self-control and safety, focusing on managing her environment and what she will tolerate. Grace should accompany these conversations, ensuring they are communicated with empathy and firmness. Boundaries are meant to protect relationships from simmering resentments and are essential for both parties’ well-being.

If someone doesn’t respect our boundaries, it’s not about controlling their actions but about protecting our emotional health. We must be prepared to follow through with real consequences if boundaries are violated. Consider how these boundaries will benefit us personally, keeping us sane and safe.

Healthy relationships require both parties to be committed to healthy habits, self-awareness, and empathy. If someone’s emotional immaturity causes tension, it may be necessary for us to change the relationship dynamics. This journey isn’t easy, but it’s crucial for our mental and physical health.

Lysa believes that boundaries are not about being mean or selfish; they are about being responsible and protecting her well-being. They help her stop feeling stuck and allow her to move towards a healthier place. It’s about setting limits on what we will accept and ensuring our emotional needs are respected.

Can Setting Boundaries Save Your Emotional Health?

In her childhood, Lysa vividly remembers the dread of receiving yellow or red cards in school for breaking rules, which she believed defined who she was. This fear of being judged made her desperate to be seen as good, not just by others, but by herself too. 

Lysa hated being misunderstood or misrepresented, and she tried to manage people’s perceptions of her to avoid this. But as she grew, she realized the unhealthy mindset that people's opinions defined her identity.

Even now, Lysa struggles with setting boundaries for fear of how others will perceive her. For instance, when she opposed a town policy and was labeled unreasonable, the misunderstanding broke her. She realized that she feared being misunderstood and wrongly labeled, often causing her to drop boundaries to avoid judgment. This core fear around setting boundaries is something many people face.

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining our true selves and preventing others' actions from fracturing us. When we let others' opinions define us, we lose sight of our identity in Christ. Setting boundaries, though challenging, is necessary for protecting our emotional health and staying true to who we are. Remember, healthy people respect boundaries, and it's crucial to distinguish between hurt and harm in relationships.

Lysa encourages you to reflect on who you are, separate from others' opinions. Recall a time before life’s hardships affected you and reaffirm the qualities that define the best version of yourself. 

Boundaries help us stay true to who we are, and it's our responsibility to maintain them, ensuring we live in alignment with God's truth about our identity. By doing so, we can navigate relationships healthily and prevent others from dictating who we are. Remember, God's love defines us, not people's opinions.

Breaking Free: Embracing Boundaries and True Identity in Christ

Lysa had been dreading a phone call to a long-time friend and colleague. She struggled with setting boundaries with her; every time she tried, her friend would reel her back in, making Lysa doubt her decision. 

With other people, Lysa could handle boundaries just fine, but this friend always seemed to push the limits. Lysa loved helping people, but this relationship was draining her. The anxiety she felt each time her friend's name popped up on her phone was a clear sign she had reached her limit.

Finally, Lysa decided she had to tell her friend she couldn't fulfill a request she had hastily agreed to. The conversation was tense, with her friend's anger palpable through the phone. Lysa apologized, admitting that her initial yes was driven by a desire to please her friend rather than a genuine willingness to help. But her friend's demands were too much, and Lysa had to say no. She feared her friend's reaction, worried she'd withdraw her affection and leave Lysa feeling abandoned. Lysa had experienced losses before, and the thought of losing another person was terrifying.

Reflecting on the conversation, Lysa realized her fear was not just about losing her friend but about being rejected. She wanted to be chosen and valued by her friend, a deep-seated need that drove her to accept her friend's irresponsibility. But this need transformed from a desire to a demand, which led to unhealthy people-pleasing. Lysa was exhausting herself, hoping to find security in her friend's acceptance rather than in God.

In the aftermath, Lysa found clarity. People pleasing was about filling a void she feared God wouldn't fill. But only God could meet her deepest needs. Relationships should comfort us, not consume us. Jesus, despite being abandoned and betrayed, never let goodbyes change who He was. Lysa realized that she needed to maintain boundaries, allowing others to walk away if necessary without losing her sense of self-worth.

In another instance, Lysa faced the devastation of a goodbye, grappling with memories that were both treasures and sorrows. She questioned the notion of a "good" goodbye. Could she separate from someone while still holding onto the good memories? Could she end relationships with integrity and without unnecessary hurt or slander?

Lysa learned from biblical examples that sometimes goodbyes are necessary, even for those who deeply love God. Abraham and Lot parted ways due to conflict but reunited later when needed. Paul and Barnabas' disagreement led them to separate, yet they continued their mission without malice. Goodbyes can be for a season or forever, but they can also create space for greater good.

Ultimately, Lysa realized that saying goodbye doesn't have to mean losing love or integrity. By placing painful memories in Jesus' hands, whispering "God be with you," Lysa began to heal. She understood that while relationships change, she doesn't have to. Jesus didn't let rejections change Him, and Lysa strives to do the same. Goodbye can mean "God be with you," allowing for closure and peace.

Can We Master the Art of Goodbye Like Jesus Did?

Lysa has lived at the same address for thirty years. This home has seen everything from wedding gifts and newborns to heartbreaks and whispered prayers. It's been her sanctuary through countless moments, both joyous and desperate. But recently, she has had to face a harsh reality: she’s in an emotionally destructive relationship.

Despite her loyalty and efforts to fix things, the relationship became toxic. Deceit, lies, and fresh trauma made her feel crazy. She tried everything to stop the impending end, but she realized that trauma isn't just something that happens to you—it happens in you. Healing from emotional devastation means dealing with the impact, not just the facts.

When a relationship shifts from difficult to destructive, it’s time to consider a goodbye. Christian counselor Leslie Vernick defines a destructive relationship as one with pervasive, repetitive patterns that tear someone down, often without remorse or change. This isn’t just about marriage; it applies to all relationships. Boundaries are crucial for maintaining emotional and physical safety. When someone close to us acts out of control, we risk losing self-control.

God also set boundaries, like in the Garden of Eden when He expelled Adam and Eve after they sinned. This was not abandonment but a necessary consequence to maintain holiness. Similarly, we must sometimes end relationships to protect our well-being.

Saying goodbye is a tough decision, not to be made lightly. It’s about accepting reality and moving toward healing, even if it means enduring grief. Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." But sometimes, peace isn’t possible, and we must find it by changing the relationship or the circumstances.

Grieving the end of a relationship is like having a funeral. We mourn what won’t be, but this process helps us accept reality and move forward. We might cry and feel deep sorrow, but we also open ourselves to new possibilities and healing.

As Lysa crosses her home's threshold one more time, she embraces the courage God gives her to face new beginnings—healthy, whole, and fully alive.

Leslie Vernick's Wisdom: Embracing Reality and Healing from Toxic Relationships

Lysa TerKeurst, the author, struggled with rebuilding trust in a marriage filled with broken promises, lies, and recurring addictions. Her counselor explained that triggers were reminders of past trauma, making her feel unsafe and anxious. Realizing she couldn’t fix the problem alone, Lysa understood it was time to draw boundaries and possibly say goodbye.

Boundaries are crucial in relationships to prevent chaos and maintain order. For Lysa, drawing boundaries in friendships was also necessary. She learned that emotional access must be protected, much like a home's keys or account passwords. Proverbs advises guarding our hearts, emphasizing that love can be unconditional, but relational access should not be.

Lysa shared a personal story about how she adapted to a bizarre situation with her hot water, symbolizing how dysfunctions in relationships can be accepted as normal. Addressing these issues is crucial for healthier relationships. She realized her codependent tendencies and defined her needs in relationships: trust, truthfulness, transparency, tenderness, and a team approach.

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining true selves and preventing others' actions from fracturing us. Lysa struggled with setting boundaries, fearing judgment and rejection. However, she realized that boundaries are not about being mean but about being responsible and protecting well-being.

In her childhood, Lysa dreaded being judged and misunderstood, which influenced her struggles with setting boundaries. She learned that healthy people respect boundaries and that it’s necessary to protect emotional health by maintaining them. Boundaries help us stay true to who we are and live in alignment with God's truth.

Lysa faced challenges with a long-time friend, where setting boundaries was difficult. She realized people-pleasing was about filling a void she feared God wouldn't fill. Relationships should comfort, not consume us. Saying goodbye doesn’t mean losing love or integrity. Lysa learned that goodbyes can be necessary for greater good, allowing for closure and peace.

After living at the same address for thirty years, Lysa faced a harsh reality: a destructive relationship. Despite her efforts, the relationship became toxic. Healing from emotional devastation means dealing with the impact, not just the facts. Sometimes, saying goodbye is necessary to protect well-being.

Grieving the end of a relationship is like having a funeral, mourning what won’t be but opening to new possibilities and healing. Embracing courage, Lysa moves towards new beginnings—healthy, whole, and fully alive.

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Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

Lysa TerKeurst

7 Key ideas

19 MINS

4.9 (1.2k)

Are you ready to examine your relationships, confront your dysfunctions, and redefine your boundaries?

Curious about how biblical instances can guide us to establish healthier patterns in our lives?

Interested to explore the fine line between being emotionally available and emotionally overexerted?

Dive in to discover how healthy boundaries can lead to more fulfilling relationships, personal growth, and a stronger sense of self.

Key Ideas

#1