Ever wondered how to turn opponents into allies? How did a wise woman's ingenious solution of the 'eighteenth camel' inspire a breakthrough negotiation strategy? How can this strategy transform your negotiations, be it with a boss, a hostage-taker, or even a teenager? How did famous personalities like Senator Joe Biden, Lee Iacocca, and Abraham Lincoln employ these principles in their negotiations?

Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

We negotiate every day, often finding ourselves frustrated when we aim for agreement but get a firm NO. Whether it’s a disagreement with a spouse over buying a new car, a boss rejecting a project proposal, or a client demanding unexpected discounts, negotiation is a constant in our lives. Even children can turn a simple request into a negotiation battle. When faced with these challenges, what’s the solution?

Negotiation isn’t just about sitting at a table discussing issues but involves any interaction where you try to get what you want. It’s a crucial part of personal, professional, and even public life. The outcomes of negotiations impact us all, from workplace disputes to international diplomacy. So, how can we navigate negotiation successfully?

One effective approach is joint problem-solving. Unlike the confrontational hard or overly accommodating soft negotiation styles, joint problem-solving focuses on attacking the problem, not the person. It's about identifying each side’s interests—their needs, fears, and desires—rather than sticking rigidly to positions. For instance, if you want a raise but your boss says the budget is tight, instead of giving up or arguing, you explore alternative solutions together, like new responsibilities or future promises.

However, turning confrontations into cooperation isn’t straightforward. Five barriers often impede cooperation: your reaction, their emotion, their position, their dissatisfaction, and their power. Each requires a strategy to overcome.

The breakthrough strategy involves five steps:
1. Go to the Balcony: Pause and regain your perspective to control your reactions.
2. Step to Their Side: Acknowledge and address their emotions to create a conducive environment for negotiation.
3. Reframe: Accept their positions and probe deeper to understand the underlying issues.
4. Build Them a Golden Bridge: Help them see the benefits of agreement and make it easy for them to say yes.
5. Use Power to Educate: Use your power not to coerce but to show them that collaboration is the best path forward.

A powerful analogy is sailing. Just as sailors tack to navigate around obstacles, negotiators must often take indirect routes to reach mutually satisfactory agreements. Instead of confronting opposition head-on, you zigzag past barriers, helping the other side find their way to agreement.

To illustrate, Lord Caradon, a British diplomat, emphasized the importance of preparation. Before entering a village, he and his superior would clarify their goals for the day, then assess their success afterward. This habit underscores the necessity of thorough preparation in negotiation. Mapping out interests, options, standards, and alternatives is crucial. Identifying your and the other side’s interests, brainstorming options, setting fair standards, and knowing your best alternatives can significantly enhance your negotiating power.

In sum, negotiation is an art that requires preparation, strategy, and the ability to turn adversaries into partners. By mastering these skills, you can navigate even the toughest negotiations and achieve lasting agreements.

Are You Ready to Master Negotiation Like a Diplomat?

Reacting impulsively during negotiations can lead to a vicious cycle of action and reaction, often resulting in unproductive arguments and damaged relationships. Consider a typical household scenario: a husband criticizes the messy house, and his wife perceives it as a personal attack, leading to a heated argument where neither party's interests are advanced.

Humans naturally react in three common ways: striking back, giving in, or breaking off relationships. Striking back can escalate conflicts, giving in often leads to unsatisfactory outcomes, and breaking off relations can be costly both financially and emotionally.

For example, when a senior manager needed agreement for a new information system, he reacted to a plant manager's refusal by threatening to involve the president, which backfired and stalled the project. In another instance, a film executive, Janet Jenkins, managed to keep a multimillion-dollar deal on track by not reacting to an aggressive outburst from the network's head, choosing instead to calmly continue the negotiation.

To avoid reacting, it's vital to "go to the balcony"—a metaphor for mentally distancing oneself from the situation to gain objectivity. This strategy helps you keep your focus on achieving a mutually satisfactory agreement. Recognizing tactics like stone walls, attacks, or tricks can help neutralize their impact. For instance, Mr. and Mrs. Albin's situation with an unreasonable buyer was resolved when Mrs. Albin recognized the buyer's threat as a tactic.

By naming the tactic and understanding your own emotional triggers, you can better manage your reactions. Techniques such as pausing, rewinding the conversation, or taking a break can buy time to think and maintain composure. Never make important decisions on the spot; always take time to reflect, ensuring decisions are made logically rather than emotionally.

Ultimately, the goal of going to the balcony is to control your reactions, maintain focus on your interests, and strive for an agreement that meets your needs without getting sidetracked by emotions or provocations. Instead of getting mad or even, concentrate on getting what you want.

Mastering Negotiation: Janet Jenkins and the Art of 'Going to the Balcony'

In the world of negotiation, trying to bulldoze through your counterpart’s emotions and prejudices often backfires. Instead, the key lies in understanding and subtly aligning with their perspective before guiding the discussion towards a positive outcome. This is exemplified by the 1778 wisdom of Fortune de Felice, who advised navigating adverse winds by initially appearing to conform.

Take the case of AT&T negotiating a $150 million deal with Boeing. When Boeing demanded written guarantees and damages for unmet promises, AT&T hesitated, leading to a heated breakdown in talks. The sales chief initially tried to reason with the Boeing negotiator, but the barrier of anger and distrust proved insurmountable. The solution lay in disarming the emotions and creating a favorable climate for negotiation.

Effective negotiation strategies include actively listening, acknowledging the other party’s points and feelings, and surprising them with empathy rather than resistance. An example is the Inland Steel negotiation, where union leader Jake Shafer diffused a potential strike by simply inviting management to fully explain their rigid stance on wage arbitration, leading to mutual understanding and resolution.

Listening attentively, paraphrasing for clarity, and acknowledging the other side’s perspective and feelings can transform a hostile negotiation into a cooperative dialogue. Even a simple apology can demonstrate respect and pave the way for constructive discussions. For instance, a child’s instinctive “I’m sorry” during a law class exercise highlighted the power of acknowledging a wrong to facilitate resolution.

Projecting confidence while acknowledging the other side, agreeing where possible, and focusing on shared ground rather than differences can build rapport and open up dialogue. This approach was effectively used by a United Way fund-raiser who diffused tension with humor and agreement when faced with hostility from truck drivers.

In high-stakes scenarios, like the Arab-Israeli conflict, surprising gestures of acknowledgment, such as Egyptian President Anwar Sadat’s visit to Jerusalem, can break psychological barriers and foster negotiations.

In short, the AT&T sales chief’s turnaround with Boeing was a masterclass in stepping to the other side. By understanding and acknowledging Boeing’s engineering culture and their need for clarity and accountability, he diffused their anger, garnered respect, and reopened the dialogue, leading to a successful agreement. This method of empathizing and aligning with the other party before presenting your perspective is a cornerstone of effective negotiation.

Can Empathy and Understanding Turn a $150 Million Breakdown into a Successful Deal?

In negotiations, it's essential to shift the focus from rigid positions to a collaborative problem-solving approach. Often, the other side may insist on their stance, stonewall, or even attack. Instead of rejecting their stance outright, reframe the discussion to understand their interests and identify common solutions.

Consider a negotiation scenario between a budget director and a marketing chief. The budget director demands a ten percent cut, but the marketing chief explains that such a cut would hinder a new plan aimed at improving productivity. By reframing, the marketing chief turns the conversation towards finding a mutual solution beneficial for the company.

One powerful example of reframing comes from a 1979 negotiation where a young Senator Joe Biden, tasked with discussing the SALT II treaty with Soviet Foreign Minister Andrei Gromyko, reframed Gromyko's rigid stance by asking for advice on addressing Senate concerns. This shifted the focus from stubborn positions to collaborative problem-solving, leading Gromyko to eventually agree to the amendment.

Reframing involves asking open-ended, problem-solving questions like "Why?" to uncover underlying interests, "Why not?" to explore alternatives, and "What if?" to brainstorm possible solutions. For instance, instead of flatly rejecting a high price in an acquisition, ask about the rationale behind it, leading to a more reasonable outcome.

Addressing tactics like stone walls and attacks can also be managed by reframing. Ignore or reinterpret rigid deadlines as aspirations, and deflect personal attacks by focusing on the problem. If tricks are suspected, ask clarifying questions and make reasonable requests to test the other side's sincerity.

In cases where tactics persist, negotiate about the negotiation itself. Discuss the rules of engagement and make specific requests for more cooperative behavior. By shifting to a joint problem-solving approach, you can achieve mutually satisfying agreements even in the toughest negotiations. For example, the marketing chief reframed the budget director's rigid demands into a discussion about how to save costs and benefit the company, turning a positional confrontation into a collaborative effort.

How Joe Biden Mastered Negotiation with a Reframing Strategy

In any negotiation, it’s vital to build a "golden bridge" for the other side to retreat across, as Sun Tzu suggested. This approach ensures that your counterpart feels respected and involved, which increases the likelihood of reaching an agreement. 

Consider the botched media merger between CBS and Gannett in 1985. Al Neuharth of Gannett and Tom Wyman of CBS initially agreed on many terms, but Neuharth's forceful presentation of the merger details alienated Wyman and his team, leading to the collapse of the deal. Neuharth’s mistake was not involving Wyman in presenting the plan, making Wyman lose face in front of his people.

To avoid such pitfalls, it’s essential to understand and address the common obstacles to agreement: the proposal not being their idea, unmet interests, fear of losing face, and the prospect of too much change too quickly. Instead of pushing aggressively, draw the other side in by framing the retreat from their position as a step toward a better solution.

Steven Spielberg, as a teenager, managed to turn a bully into a friend by offering him a prestigious role in his movie. This act satisfied the bully's need for recognition and transformed their relationship.

Engage the other side by asking for their ideas and building on them. For instance, instead of dictating terms, involve them in shaping the solution. When Campbell Soup Company struggled to acquire a restaurant, the deal was sealed only after addressing the owner’s need for autonomy and recognition with a joint venture proposal.

Help the other side save face by allowing them to present the agreement as a victory to their constituents. This might involve using a third party to recommend solutions or pointing to a standard of fairness.

Guide the process step-by-step, breaking down agreements into manageable parts and avoiding a rush to the finish. Summarize agreements clearly to prevent misunderstandings.

In essence, building a golden bridge means making it easy for the other side to say yes by involving them, addressing their needs, helping them save face, and guiding them through the negotiation process. If they still resist, the next step is making it hard for them to say no.

Could Sun Tzu's Golden Bridge Have Saved the CBS-Gannett Merger?

Sun Tzu once said, "The best general is the one who never fights." What happens when your opponent refuses to agree despite your best efforts? Sometimes, they might see negotiations as a zero-sum game where one side wins only if the other loses.

In such cases, you might feel compelled to play the power game, shifting from listening to threatening, from cooperative to confrontational. This can lead to a costly and bitter struggle, often resulting in a lose-lose outcome. Mahatma Gandhi aptly noted, "An eye for an eye and we all go blind."

Instead of escalating, consider using power to educate. This means showing the other side that mutual satisfaction is the best outcome. Convince them that their best alternative to negotiation isn't as favorable as they think, and emphasize the benefits of agreement while highlighting the costs of no agreement.

Lee Iacocca demonstrated this approach in 1979 when Chrysler was on the verge of bankruptcy. He posed reality-testing questions to Congress, making them realize the economic fallout of not supporting Chrysler. His strategy worked, securing a $1.5 billion loan guarantee.

When negotiating, ask the other side what will happen if an agreement isn't reached. Use questions to highlight the consequences and make them reconsider their stance. Warnings can be more effective than threats, as they frame the situation objectively rather than confrontationally.

If necessary, demonstrate your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) without provoking them. For instance, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, President Kennedy chose a naval blockade over an airstrike to avoid escalating tensions with the Soviet Union. This restraint led to a negotiated resolution.

Sometimes, involving a third party can help. A coalition of supporters or neutral mediators can deter attacks and promote negotiation. For example, in 1943, German women protested to save their Jewish husbands from Nazi prisons. Their peaceful yet powerful demonstration forced the Nazis to negotiate.

Even when you have the upper hand, aim for mutual satisfaction rather than victory. An imposed outcome often breeds resentment and instability. Instead, build a golden bridge for the other side to cross, ensuring that both parties benefit and that the agreement is lasting.

In the end, use power not to escalate but to educate and bring about a mutually beneficial resolution.

Negotiation Mastery: Lessons from Sun Tzu, Gandhi, and Kennedy

Imagine a man who left seventeen camels to his three sons. He bequeathed half to the eldest, a third to the middle son, and a ninth to the youngest. Faced with a seemingly insoluble division problem, the sons turned to a wise old woman. She suggested adding her camel to the herd, making it eighteen. The eldest took nine camels, the middle took six, and the youngest took two, totaling seventeen, leaving one camel to return to the woman.

Negotiations often feel like the sons’ predicament—impossible to resolve. Like the wise woman, you need to step back and find a fresh perspective. This new angle, or "eighteenth camel," can be your breakthrough strategy, allowing you to approach negotiations indirectly and contrary to expectations, treating your opponent with respect and not as an adversary to defeat but as a person to persuade.

Consider a salary negotiation: an employee asks for a raise but faces immediate resistance from the employer due to budget constraints. Instead of arguing, the employee acknowledges the budget issues and proposes discussing her performance and potential ways to save money. This reframes the conversation, creating a positive climate for negotiation. Later, she suggests a performance-based bonus, aligning her interests with the employer's concerns.

Now, picture a hostage negotiation in 1982 at Kings County Hospital. A convicted robber, Larry Van Dyke, took hostages, demanding freedom. Instead of using force, Detective Louden engaged Van Dyke in conversation, building rapport and reframing demands. Van Dyke gradually released hostages in exchange for small concessions, eventually surrendering peacefully. Louden’s approach exemplified breakthrough negotiation, focusing on building trust and addressing underlying concerns.

Whether negotiating with a boss, a hostage-taker, or even a teenager, the principles of breakthrough negotiation remain consistent:
1. Go to the Balcony: Control your own reactions by stepping back and reflecting.
2. Step to Their Side: Create a favorable climate by listening and acknowledging their points.
3. Reframe: Shift the focus from positions to problem-solving.
4. Build a Golden Bridge: Make it easy for the other side to agree.
5. Use Power to Educate: If necessary, educate them about the costs of not agreeing, using restraint and demonstrating mutual satisfaction as the goal.

By applying these steps, you can transform difficult relationships and turn adversaries into partners, as Abraham Lincoln suggested: "Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?"

Can Abraham Lincoln's Wisdom Turn Adversaries into Partners in Modern Negotiations?

Everyday negotiations can be challenging, often resulting in frustration when faced with a firm rejection. The key to successful negotiation is understanding that it's not just about sitting at a table but involves any interaction where you aim to get what you want, impacting personal, professional, and public life. One effective approach is joint problem-solving, focusing on interests rather than rigid positions.

Navigating negotiation requires overcoming barriers such as reactions, emotions, positions, dissatisfaction, and power. A breakthrough strategy involves steps like pausing to regain perspective, acknowledging emotions, reframing issues, building a bridge for easy agreement, and using power to educate rather than coerce.

Preparation is crucial, including mapping out interests, options, standards, and alternatives. Managing reactions by mentally distancing oneself can prevent emotional responses and maintain focus on mutually satisfactory agreements. Effective negotiation also involves active listening, acknowledging the other side, and reframing discussions to uncover underlying interests.

Building a "golden bridge" for the other side ensures they feel respected and involved, increasing the likelihood of agreement. If faced with resistance, using power to educate about the benefits of agreement versus the costs of no agreement can be effective. Ultimately, turning adversaries into partners through empathy, respect, and strategic problem-solving can lead to lasting and mutually beneficial outcomes.

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Listening History

Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

William Ury

8 Key ideas

23 MINS

4.6 (648)

Ever wondered how to turn opponents into allies?

How did a wise woman's ingenious solution of the 'eighteenth camel' inspire a breakthrough negotiation strategy?

How can this strategy transform your negotiations, be it with a boss, a hostage-taker, or even a teenager?

How did famous personalities like Senator Joe Biden, Lee Iacocca, and Abraham Lincoln employ these principles in their negotiations?

Key Ideas

#1