Are you ready to redefine your approach to relationships and experience the profound transformation that comes from deep, authentic connections? Do you want to understand the power of vulnerability and accountability in fostering intimacy and growth? Dive in to discover how embracing conflict, investing time, and prioritizing relationships can move you from loneliness to genuine community.

Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

Have you ever wondered if we were truly built for radical connection? From birth to our last breath, we crave deep, authentic relationships. Yet, our modern lives often seem to counteract this need. We retreat into our homes, engage with screens instead of neighbors, and feel isolated despite being "connected."

Research shows that over 60% of Americans report chronic loneliness. This loneliness is a health crisis, contributing to anxiety, depression, and even being more harmful than obesity or smoking. So why do we let it define our lives?

We were made for meaningful relationships—friends who would donate a kidney, drop by unannounced with pizza, or help clean up after dinner. Yet, building such connections as adults feels complicated and exhausting. However, it’s possible if we’re willing to make changes in our routines and openness.

Historically, humans thrived in small, interconnected communities. Studies reveal we can manage about 150 relationships, with deeper connections forming through time spent together. Our modern, individualistic society starkly contrasts this communal living, leading to widespread loneliness.

Consider Italy, where tiny towns have markets that encourage daily, meaningful interactions. Or Uganda, where refugees live, work, and worship together, creating a sense of unity despite hardships. These examples show how communal living fosters deep connections.

In author Jennie Allen's own life, regular gatherings with friends became essential. They met weekly, sharing life’s ups and downs, supporting each other. But when one friend ended the relationship, Jennie felt profoundly alone again. This yo-yo of connection and isolation is a common human experience.

Relationally, we are made to be fully known and loved. Even God exists in a relational Trinity—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Our longing for deep connections reflects this divine image. However, we often expect imperfect people to fulfill needs only God can meet, leading to disappointment.

Scripture emphasizes community: God’s people have always lived interconnected lives. Jesus said, "Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." Relationships make us better, encourage us, and help us resist sin.

The enemy of our souls hates this connection and works to isolate us. But we must fight for community because it’s crucial for our spiritual and emotional health. The Bible speaks to a communal “you all,” not isolated individuals. We need each other to live out God’s purposes.

Today, our society values independence, a value that has led to our current state of loneliness. Historically, people lived in tight-knit communities, but the Industrial Revolution and subsequent cultural shifts have driven us apart.

To counteract this, we need to intentionally build our villages. It won't happen by accident. We must prioritize relationships, risk vulnerability, and fight against the enemy's plans to isolate us. Only then can we experience the deep, fulfilling connections we were created for.

Can We Overcome Modern Loneliness by Embracing Ancient Community Values?

After over a decade in Austin, Texas, Jennie and her family made the decision to move to Dallas. Their youngest children were facing schooling challenges, and the family wanted to be closer to their extended relatives. While they had loved their time in Austin, Jennie often felt disconnected and lonely, even with a wide circle of friends.

When the decision to relocate was finalized, Jennie grappled with the fear of starting over in a large city. A family member even voiced concerns about whether she might feel lonely again. However, the family longed for a new way of life—one centered more on relationships and community rather than simply jobs or the size of their home.

On moving day, Jennie was overwhelmed with a sense of panic, knowing they were beginning from scratch. Yet, she had arranged for a babysitter, Caroline Parker, who quickly became an integral part of their new life in Dallas. Caroline’s presence taught Jennie an important lesson: their new community would be built not just through planning, but through moments of need and unexpected connections.

One question Jennie hears often is, “How do I make friends?” It’s clear to her that people of all ages struggle with this. In reflecting on the topic, Jennie realized that many people place undue pressure on one or two friendships, rather than embracing the diversity of roles that different relationships can play in their lives.

Jennie was reminded of a powerful memory from her time in Rwanda, where women supported one another at the river while washing clothes. This sense of interdependence and community stood in stark contrast to the individualistic culture she experienced in the United States. Research supports this idea, showing that people in "Blue Zones," the happiest and healthiest places on Earth, thrive because of their strong social connections. Jennie believes that, at our core, humans are meant to live interdependently, not in isolation.

In Dallas, her family quickly joined a church and reconnected with old acquaintances. One of them, Michelle, introduced them to a small group that eventually became their close-knit community. Although Jennie initially hesitated to fully commit, becoming part of this group transformed life for her family.

Today, Jennie has built a supportive village of friends and wants the same for others. She believes that building deep, meaningful relationships requires both intention and effort. Drawing from the example of Jesus, she emphasizes the importance of forming selective, committed friendships.

Jennie has identified five key practices to help others build their community: proximity, transparency, accountability, shared purpose, and consistency. She encourages readers to focus on these practices over the next five weeks, promising that doing so will lead to deeper connections and a shift from isolation to a fulfilling, interconnected life. 

Jennie invites everyone to embark on this journey together, confident that it will redefine their relationships and help them create their own version of a supportive village, no matter where they are.

From Austin to Dallas: How Following Jesus's Example Transformed Community

It was 7:30 p.m., and author Jennie was in her comfy robe, ready to unwind after a long day. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. To her surprise, it was Lindsey, Kirk, and their three perfectly put-together kids. They had just finished a family photoshoot and wanted to see her patio furniture. Despite being in her robe and her house being messy, Jennie welcomed them in. What followed was an unplanned, magical evening around her firepit, bonding in a way that deepened their friendship.

This spontaneous gathering reminded Jennie of the ancient tradition of gathering around fires. Christopher Lynn, a professor of anthropology, notes that evening fires provide a calming space for storytelling and connection, as cortisol levels drop. In Botswana, tribespeople's nighttime fire conversations often delve into spirituality and enthralling stories, contrasting with their daytime work talk.

When Jennie first moved to Dallas, she initially struggled to make connections, feeling isolated and even contemplating a hermit lifestyle. But she came to realize that humans are meant to live in community. Inspired by the camaraderie of Rwandan women, she set a goal to find "five friends in five miles." Instead of scheduling occasional meetups, she began to view the people she encountered daily as potential friends.

Jennie encouraged herself to take the initiative, despite the awkwardness. Like Jesus, who lived a small, intentional life, she believed in prioritizing proximity and investing in those around her. She identified different roles her friends could play—ranging from the wise sage to the spontaneous party-bringer—and began nurturing these connections.

One evening, a group of friends gathered around her firepit to pray and sing, further deepening their bonds. By creating an environment for meaningful conversations, inviting friends over, and asking thoughtful questions, Jennie transformed her experience in the city. She found her people, and it was worth every awkward moment and effort to connect.

For those seeking deeper connections, Jennie advises initiating, investing in everyday interactions, and embracing the awkwardness. You never know when a simple invitation might lead to a life-giving friendship.

Can a Spontaneous Visit Lead to Lifelong Friendships and Deeper Connections?

Jennie once had a conversation with her friend Jessica that changed everything. They were wrapping up a podcast interview, reminiscing about how much they missed each other after Jennie’s move to Dallas, when Jessica said something that stunned her: "You never need anything from me. I want you to need me more."

Those words hit Jennie hard. It wasn’t more attention or support that Jessica needed—it was more of Jennie. She realized that her friendships had often felt like one-way streets, not just with Jessica but also with her friend Courtney, who had ended their friendship for similar reasons. Jennie had become closed off, hiding behind walls of self-protection.

Her journey toward vulnerability began with acknowledging her past hurts. Life experiences had taught her that being open could lead to judgment and betrayal. But keeping people at arm’s length meant missing out on true connection. Jennie reflected on how people in places like Haiti and Africa, who lived without the luxury of walls, relied on each other in ways she had forgotten.

Inspired by this realization, Jennie began to lower her guard. Vulnerability, she learned, is the soil for intimacy. It requires real, raw honesty, even if that means sharing uncomfortable truths. She practiced being open with her sister-in-law Ashley and her friend Lindsey, observing their ease in sharing deeply.

Reconnecting with Courtney became a pivotal moment. Jennie apologized for her emotional distance, and they both forgave each other, opening the door to a renewed friendship. She recognized that true connection requires risking pain and allowing oneself to be known.

Taking steps toward vulnerability, Jennie began asking her friends how they were really doing and sharing her own struggles in return. It felt awkward at first, but she persisted, understanding that the discomfort was part of the process. She also learned to tell people exactly how they could support her, fostering mutual openness in her relationships.

Ultimately, Jennie discovered that love and connection thrive on vulnerability. By risking being hurt, people open themselves to being deeply known and loved. For Jennie, this challenging journey transformed not only her relationships but also her understanding of what it means to truly connect.

How Jessica's Bold Words Transformed Jennie's Vulnerability

Jennie, Callie, and a friend were having a casual chat at the friend’s house when Jennie’s sister-in-law Ashley, known for her blunt honesty, pointed out that Jennie seemed to have a hard heart. Though initially resistant, Jennie admitted Ashley might be right. Her friends prayed for her, and she felt a profound sense of peace afterward. This moment revealed Jennie’s tendency to harden her heart to avoid pain, a habit her friends know and care enough about to challenge.

Jennie reflected that accountability, though uncomfortable, is essential for growth. People often resist it, preferring independence, but it’s crucial for fostering deep, meaningful relationships. She was reminded of her friend Jey’s story—how he grew up in the slums of Nairobi, dealing with extreme poverty and even imprisonment. 

Jey’s life transformed when a U.S. family sponsored him, providing the essentials he needed. Despite the hardships, Jey missed the close-knit community of Nairobi when he moved to Atlanta, highlighting the profound impact of community and accountability in shaping his life.

Jennie also drew parallels to her own family’s experiences in Dallas. Her children experienced accountability firsthand at school, where their grandfather, a respected coach, held them responsible for their actions. Jennie mused that accountability sharpens individuals, much like iron sharpens iron. It’s not just about avoiding sin but about inspiring one another to reach their full potential. True accountability, Jennie observed, involves listening to wise friends and mentors who are willing to challenge and support one another.

Despite the discomfort and potential for hurt, Jennie believes that embracing accountability leads to growth and freedom. Her small group’s practice of financial transparency exemplified this, demonstrating how shared responsibility can bring peace instead of fear. To Jennie, healthy accountability means pointing each other to Jesus rather than offering quick, surface-level fixes.

Ultimately, Jennie concluded, accountability fosters deeper friendships and spiritual growth. It’s rooted in love and care, even when it’s messy. Embracing it, despite fears and pride, leads to a more fulfilled and Christ-centered life. Jennie encourages others to choose friends who make them better and to give those friends permission to speak truth into their lives.

Can Accountability Revolutionize Your Life?

It’s easy to feel isolated, like a friend did during the pandemic, despite still being involved in activities like school runs, Zoom meetings, and volunteer work. Her closest friends weren’t involved in these aspects of her life, making her feel alone.

Historically, people lived and worked in close-knit communities, like in the Fertile Crescent or during the times of early agriculture. Everyone had a role, working and living together, creating a sense of belonging. However, the Industrial Revolution and suburbanization changed this, separating work from home.

Loneliness became a byproduct of modern life. Social media adds to the feeling of isolation by presenting a facade of perfect connections. Our lives are segmented and lack deep community bonds.

But what if we simplified? What if our existing activities became opportunities for connection? Throughout history, people have thrived in communities with shared missions. Even Jesus sent his disciples out in pairs to minister and connect with others.

C.S. Lewis said, "Friendship must be about something." True fulfillment comes from shared missions. Whether it’s managing a company, a home, or attending school, work should bring fulfillment and promote thriving for those around us.

Tim Keller described work as rearranging God’s creation to help the world thrive. This applies to all kinds of work, from farming to music to teaching. Our mission is to bring thriving and find co-laborers to build with.

If you’re feeling isolated, find something to commit to for six months and do it with others. Friends are made through shared experiences and missions. Followers of Jesus have a significant purpose in every part of life, carrying weighty purpose into every interaction.

A pastor from the underground church emphasized that true discipleship happens in homes, not just once a week. It’s about daily interactions. Our mission is to connect deeply, share God’s love, and build the kingdom together.

Our time is short, and our mission is crucial. Let’s get back to building meaningful connections, working side by side, creating something lasting. It doesn’t have to be complicated—just start with simple, shared activities. Together, we can fight against the isolation of modern life and create true community.

Tim Keller and C.S. Lewis: Rediscovering True Community in Modern Life

As we dive into the principles of building and maintaining relationships, expect a moment when you’ll feel like bailing on someone. Jennie experienced this while writing this book. Her sister-in-law Ashley called, needing to talk. They met, and she confessed that Jennie had hurt her with some recent comments. 

She cried but emphasized she didn’t want to quit the relationship. Initially, Jennie panicked, fearing the loss of another close bond. However, Ashley’s honesty was a testament to her commitment to our friendship. Conflict should fortify friendships rather than break them if we choose to fight for each other.

Days later, they had dinner, and Jennie apologized sincerely. Ashley’s response was magical—she offered simple steps to love her better. This encounter taught Jennie that conflict isn’t the enemy; avoiding it is. Healthy conflict can deepen relationships. Jennie's brother-in-law Tony, who runs a dude ranch, echoes this. Despite the challenges, the ranch builds leaders through constant, transparent conflict resolution. This messy sharpening builds character and community.

In our quest for community, we must embrace conflict and work through it. Avoiding it leads to loneliness. True friendships require consistent, significant time together. Research shows it takes 200 hours to form a close friendship. So, schedule regular meetups, embrace inconvenience, and invest time. Relationships thrive on shared experiences, vulnerability, and the willingness to work through conflicts.

Ultimately, our relationships reflect our commitment to living out the gospel, prioritizing each other, and embracing the messiness of life together. By showing up, apologizing, forgiving, and choosing consistency, we build deep, meaningful connections. This is how we move from loneliness to genuine community.

Can Conflict Be the Key to Stronger Friendships?

One night, a group of friends gathered at Jennie's place—single colleagues and young married couples, babies in tow. As they chatted, stories flowed not about their immediate families but about those who welcomed them like family when they needed it most. 

Logan recalled living with the McFarlins before she and her husband could afford their own place. Hannah shared memories of her parents' home, often filled with singles who joined their extended family dinners. Caroline, the babysitter turned friend, joked, "I'm basically your adopted daughter with all the time I've spent here."

These stories reminded Jennie of how family isn't just about blood ties. Historically, family included a whole community—grandparents, neighbors, even friends who felt like kin. The "nuclear family" concept, popularized in the 1920s, led to modern isolation. We fenced ourselves off, leaving singles alone and elderly marginalized.

During the pandemic, Jennie's friend Tasha told her about her great-aunt, who contracted COVID-19 and couldn't have caretakers visit. Without hesitation, her aunt’s sister planned to travel from New York to help. Tasha's family organized meal deliveries and Amazon shipments. "In our community, we take care of each other," she said. "We're in it together—life, loss, everything."

This sense of community is what we crave. Yet, many of us resist relying on others. We could learn from cultures where intergenerational living is the norm. African Americans, for instance, often live and care for family across generations. It's about commitment and support, even when family drives us crazy.

Family is God's original design for community, a covenant of love and support. But when blood ties aren't enough, we can find a chosen family. In places like Okinawa, lifelong social groups known as moais offer support and companionship. In Mexico, compadrazgo sees parents co-raising children.

The Church, too, can be a family. Despite its flaws, it offers a community that reflects God's love. Jennie's own journey with church has been about finding imperfect people who love and support each other. It's about committing to relationships, even when it's messy and hard.

Finding your people requires work. It's about initiating, being vulnerable, and building deep connections. Don't wait for others to reach out—be the friend you want. Risk rejection, bother others, and embrace the messiness of community.

Ultimately, God offers the greatest friendship through Jesus. He knows us completely and loves us fully. Even when we feel alone, He is there, encouraging us to find and cherish our earthly communities. It's worth the effort to find those who will love us through life's ups and downs.

Rediscovering Family: Lessons on Building Community

While we crave meaningful connections from birth, our current lifestyles—dominated by screens and isolation—have led many to chronic loneliness, which significantly impacts our mental and physical health.

Historically, humans thrived in close-knit communities, capable of maintaining about 150 meaningful relationships. Examples from different cultures show how communal living fosters deep connections. Despite the complexity and exhaustion of building such relationships as adults, it's still possible if we make intentional changes in our routines and openness.

Our longing for connection is deeply rooted in our nature, reflecting a divine image of relational living. True community, as emphasized in scripture, is crucial for our spiritual and emotional well-being. We need to fight against the isolation that modern society imposes and intentionally build our communities, prioritizing vulnerability and accountability in our relationships.

Vulnerability is essential for intimacy. It means being open and honest, even at the risk of pain, to achieve true connections. Accountability, though uncomfortable, is equally important for growth and deeper friendships. Embracing these aspects leads to a more fulfilling and interconnected life.

Our daily activities can become opportunities for connection if we simplify and view them as mission fields. Historically, people thrived in communities with shared missions, and this can still be true today. True discipleship and connection happen through daily interactions, not just occasional meetups.

Conflict, if handled well, can strengthen relationships. It's important to embrace the messiness of life together, showing up consistently and working through disagreements. By investing time and effort, we can build deep, meaningful connections that reflect our commitment to each other.

Ultimately, family and community are about commitment and support, whether through blood ties or chosen relationships. The Church, despite its flaws, can be a reflection of God's love, offering a community of imperfect people who support each other. Finding and building these connections require effort, vulnerability, and the willingness to embrace the messiness of community life. It's worth the effort to find those who will love us through life's ups and downs.

Home

Trending Books

News & Mags

Relax

Curated

Collections

Key Ideas & Notes

Insights

Highlights & Bookmarks

Listening History

Are you ready to redefine your approach to relationships and experience the profound transformation that comes from deep, authentic connections?

Do you want to understand the power of vulnerability and accountability in fostering intimacy and growth?

Dive in to discover how embracing conflict, investing time, and prioritizing relationships can move you from loneliness to genuine community.

Improve your Career, Health & Life with 15min insights from 9000+ non-fiction books

Key Ideas

#1