Ever wondered how to balance household chores with your partner? Are you feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities while your partner seems to have it easy? Want to learn about a game-changing system that ensures a fair division of tasks and introduces the concept of 'Unicorn Space' for personal passions? Dive into the world of Fair Play, where clear communication, equitable labor, and reclaiming personal passions are key to a harmonious and fulfilling home life.

Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do

In a bustling household where life's chaos seemed to revolve around her, Eve Rodsky, the author, felt the weight of being the "she-fault" parent. Her husband’s request for forgotten blueberries was the last straw, highlighting the imbalance in their family duties. From managing a demanding career to juggling countless household tasks, she found herself drowning in an invisible workload that went unnoticed and unappreciated.

Her journey from a successful career woman to a weary default parent echoed her mother’s struggles. Determined to not let history repeat itself, she sought a fair partnership. Yet, with the arrival of children, the scales tipped, leaving her overwhelmed by domestic responsibilities.

Her attempts to articulate this imbalance led to the creation of a “Sh*t I Do” list, documenting every task that kept their household afloat. Her husband's initial reaction—a playful emoji—only fueled her resolve to find a solution. She realized that visibility was key to value; her partner needed to see the full extent of her labor to appreciate and share it.

Drawing on her professional expertise, she devised a game-like system called Fair Play, with cards representing domestic tasks. This system aimed to rebalance the workload, ensuring that both partners shared responsibilities equitably. Through trial and error, they learned to communicate better, redefine their roles, and value each other’s contributions.

This journey not only transformed their marriage but offered a blueprint for other couples facing similar struggles. By making the invisible visible, they reclaimed their identities beyond parenting roles, paving the way for more fulfilling lives. Fair Play became more than a game; it was a pathway to harmony and understanding in the domestic sphere.

Can Fair Play Revolutionize Household Dynamics and Empower the Default Parent?

Eve Rodsky, the author, was on her way to the airport for a work trip when she got a text from her husband, Seth: “Some guy left his jacket and beer bottle on our lawn.” When she returned home 16 hours later, the items were still there. This irked Eve because it symbolized a deeper issue: Seth didn’t value her time equally to his. Despite both of them having busy days, he had time to relax after work, while she was left to handle the mess.

This scenario is common. Many women Eve spoke with shared similar experiences—receiving texts or emails from their partners asking them to handle household tasks. It’s as if men’s time is finite and valuable, while women’s time is infinite and expendable. Research supports this: after having kids, men’s workloads increase by about 40 minutes a day, while women’s increase by over two hours.

This imbalance has profound effects on women’s careers, identities, and mental health. It is essential to recognize that all time is created equal and demand time equity in our relationships. For instance, the two hours Eve spends at the doctor with their child should be valued as much as the two hours Seth spends on a work call.

Changing this dynamic requires a shift in attitudes. Eve and her husband had to actively reframe their thinking about time. For example, they stopped using phrases like “I don’t have time” and started recognizing that they both only have 24 hours in a day. This led to more balanced domestic responsibilities and a healthier relationship.

Pushback is inevitable when challenging long-held beliefs about time. Many men justify their reluctance to share household tasks with arguments like “time is money” or “you don’t work, so you have more time.” But these arguments don’t hold up. Stay-at-home moms, for instance, work tirelessly without the personal time or benefits that many office jobs provide.

Outsourcing tasks or getting help isn’t a complete solution either. It takes time and effort to find, schedule, and manage help. And even then, it doesn’t alleviate the mental load women often carry.

Ultimately, there is a need to reframe how time is viewed and valued. Tasks that seem unnecessary or trivial to one partner may hold significant value for the other. It is vital to communicate and agree on what’s important and share the workload accordingly.

By challenging toxic time messages and working towards time equity, more balanced, respectful, and fulfilling relationships can be created. It’s a process, but it’s worth it for the well-being of both partners and the family as a whole.

Shifting Time Equity: A Call for Balanced Domestic Responsibilities

Josie loved skiing from a young age, and her passion took her all the way to a ski scholarship at the University of Vermont. However, marriage and children left her with little time for the slopes. After nearly a decade, she planned a family ski trip, but a series of travel mishaps left her without her beloved skis, and she spent most of the trip tending to her children instead of skiing. She felt a deep longing for her old self.

Ellen, who had a thriving interior design business, quit her job at her husband's suggestion after they married. Despite her economic privileges, she felt time-deprived and lost her vibrant self. Her husband eventually asked for a divorce, and Ellen realized she had given up her right to be interesting.

Both Josie and Ellen's stories highlight the struggle of retaining one’s identity amid family obligations. The concept of "Unicorn Space" emerges here—a magical, essential time for personal interests that keeps one vibrant and interesting. This space is vital for self-worth, yet often neglected due to assumed responsibilities and societal expectations.

Ellen's story of almost taking a design course in Milan but withdrawing due to lack of support from her husband and friends is a classic example of the Permission Paradox—where external discouragement leads to self-denial of personal growth.

Many women, after becoming mothers, feel they have lost their pre-parent selves, defined now as caretakers and household managers. This is echoed by men's responses when asked if they are proud of their wives, often citing their roles as mothers rather than any personal achievements or passions.

Finding Unicorn Space is crucial for both partners in a relationship. It is not about making money but about pursuing passions that make one feel alive and interesting. This space can be as simple as a hobby or a creative pursuit and is essential for maintaining a fulfilling identity beyond parenting and partnership.

In short, reclaiming the right to be interesting involves creating Unicorn Space, challenging societal norms, and supporting each other’s passions. This balance fosters a more vibrant self and enriching relationships.

Are You Ready to Reclaim Your Unicorn Space and Rediscover Your True Self?

Start where you are now. The stakes are high in reclaiming your time and mental space for a meaningful partnership. The key is to understand who you are, who your partner is, and your intention for change. Dr. Phyllis Cohen emphasizes that just one person initiating change can transform the entire system. So, take the lead.

Reflecting on marital dynamics can reveal how much work you’re truly shouldering. The Fair Play system consists of 100 task cards divided into five suits: Home, Out, Caregiving, Magic, and Wild. This system aims to balance domestic responsibilities fairly. For instance, a UK report found that parents perform 43 tasks before leaving for work, adding over ten hours of domestic work weekly.

Fair Play isn’t about keeping score but ensuring each partner fully holds their tasks by Conceiving, Planning, and Executing (CPE) them. Take Doug from Philadelphia, who thought he managed dinner but didn’t plan or shop for meals, highlighting a common CPE Break-Up.

Fair Play personality types range from New Superwoman, holding at least 60 cards while working full-time, to Collaborator, holding fewer cards with a balanced partnership. Understanding your type and your partner’s can lead to more effective collaboration.

Invite your partner to play Fair Play by framing it positively and choosing a good time for the conversation. This isn’t about asking for help but creating an equitable system. For example, the Reverend Dr. Stephen Treat found joy in taking over Wednesday childcare, strengthening his bond with his daughter.

Taking the first step might feel daunting, but with patience and clear communication, you can reclaim your time and create a more balanced, happy partnership.

Transform Your Marriage: Dr. Phyllis Cohen and Fair Play Revolutionize Domestic Balance

If you’ve been shouldering most of the work in your household, especially if you’re a New Superwoman, remember: You do not have to do it all.

Greg McKeown in "Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less" suggests that many capable people are held back because they can't let go of the belief that everything is important. What if you let some of it go? Save yourself from burnout by choosing what tasks are most valuable to you and your partner, and let go of the rest.

Take Sara and her husband Clark, for example. Sara decided she was done with classmate birthday parties, expecting pushback. Instead, Clark was cool with it, as he rarely attended these events. This decision allowed them to focus on more meaningful aspects of their family life.

Similarly, Seth and Eve trimmed their deck of tasks, keeping only those that truly added value to their lives. Establishing and adhering to a Minimum Standard of Care for these tasks helped eliminate arguments and frustration.

The Fair Play Minimum Standard of Care is inspired by the Reasonable Person Test used in law. This means that any action should reflect the shared values of your community. In your home, this translates to asking: "Would a reasonable person (your partner, spouse, babysitter, etc.) under similar circumstances do as I’ve done?"

Consider a few examples:
1. If your husband forgets to buy the right T-shirts for a camp event, did he meet the Reasonable Person Test? If your children feel embarrassed, the answer might be no.
2. Using tush cream instead of sunscreen on a baby’s face is unreasonable if it causes harm.
3. Leaving sharp knives within a child's reach is definitely not reasonable.

Couples often disagree on standards, like how often the garbage should be taken out. Seth and Eve established that garbage goes out every night by 7 p.m., eliminating frustration and passive-aggressive reminders.

Emily and Paul argued about cleaning the kitty litter. When Emily explained the long-term importance of this task for family safety, Paul’s attitude changed, and he started doing it without reminders.

Agree on a Minimum Standard of Care for each task, ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued. This way, you can trust your partner to follow through, leading to a more harmonious household.

Can Greg McKeown's 'Essentialism' Transform Your Household Chores and Save You from Burnout?

Imagine a game that could transform the way you manage your household and bring balance to your domestic life. Introducing the “100 Cards of Fair Play,” which breaks down the countless tasks that keep a home running into five suits: Home, Out, Caregiving, Magic, and Wild, plus a special Unicorn Space card for personal passions.

Each card details a specific task and the Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE) required. Whether it's managing laundry, groceries, or the endless clutter of kids' toys, the cards help distribute responsibilities fairly between partners based on shared values and mutual agreement.

For example, the “Home” suit includes tasks like cleaning, dishes, garbage, and grocery shopping. Imagine managing the pancake batter that fell into the oven crack a week ago or ensuring the pantry is stocked before you run out of milk. These tasks require ongoing attention and coordination.

Then there's the “Caregiving” suit, covering duties like kids' bathing and grooming, managing their wardrobe, and even overseeing their dental appointments. Each task, like potty training or handling bedtime routines, demands CPE to ensure everything runs smoothly.

The “Out” suit involves activities outside the home, like managing kids’ extracurriculars, keeping track of family calendars, and ensuring car maintenance. Picture coordinating kids' schedules for sports, school events, and social commitments while keeping the car registered and maintained.

The “Magic” suit focuses on creating memorable family moments, like planning birthday celebrations, ensuring fun and playtime, and nurturing values and good deeds. This suit highlights the invisible labor behind making life’s magical moments memorable.

The “Wild” suit represents life’s unexpected challenges, such as dealing with a job loss, a serious illness, or moving homes. These cards often require additional support and flexibility from your partner and community.

Finally, the Unicorn Space card is about rediscovering what makes you uniquely you—your passions and purpose beyond career and family. It’s about reclaiming time for pursuits that bring you joy and fulfillment without guilt.

By understanding and customizing these cards, you and your partner can ensure a fair distribution of household responsibilities, leading to a more balanced and satisfying domestic life.

Transform Your Home Life with Eve Rodsky's '100 Cards of Fair Play'

Congrats on making it to the game! You've read about the Four Rules for Fair Play, realized all time is created equal, and have your Unicorn Space in mind. Now, it's time to bring your partner on board to rethink and discuss domestic life. The goal? To make time for meaningful friendships, self-care, personal interests, and to be happier as individuals and a couple.

For the next week, try this out as a trial run. Engage your partner with a brief note explaining the benefits of this new system. Fair Play is designed to foster collaboration, not competition. It's a game for two players aimed at a balanced division of labor. You’ll strategically deal 100 household and childcare tasks based on shared values and individual strengths.

Here are seven easy steps to get started:

Step 1: Set the Ground Rules
Agree to listen, consider tone and word choice, work collaboratively, value each other’s time equally, and keep distractions (phones) off the table.

Step 2: Customize Your Deck
Review the 100 Fair Play cards, determining which are essential and which you can discard. Categorize them into nonnegotiable daily tasks, tasks both value, and tasks one person values.

Step 3: Prepare to Onboard
Organize your cards so responsibilities are clear. Make the list visible and accessible to avoid confusion.

Step 4: Deal Your Cards
Discuss and agree on who will handle each task from conception to execution. Remember, roles can be renegotiated often.

Step 5: Establish a Minimum Standard of Care
Set a minimum standard for each task to ensure it’s completed to both partners' satisfaction without unnecessary criticism.

Step 6: Claim Your Unicorn Space
Each partner must have time for personal interests and self-care. This is non-negotiable and vital for individual happiness.

Step 7: Take a New Vow
Vow to let go of past resentment, play your cards fully, support each other’s Unicorn Space, and make regular time to check in.

Remember, Fair Play is about equity, not necessarily equality. The goal is to share the mental and physical load of domestic life in a way that feels fair to both partners. It's about creating a happier and more balanced home life. So, are you ready to play?

Is Fair Play the Secret to a Happier, More Balanced Home Life?

Congratulations! You and your spouse have begun implementing the Fair Play system, distributing domestic tasks based on your strengths and preferences. Now, the key to maintaining this balance is regular check-ins. Schedule a date within the first week to discuss how things are going. Consistent feedback is crucial for success, much like in professional settings.

In the initial days, resist the urge to give feedback in the heat of the moment. Behavioral economist Dan Ariely advises avoiding "emotional cascades," which can derail long-term harmony. Instead, wait for your scheduled check-in to discuss any issues calmly. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman recommend a cooling-off period to gain better cognitive perspective.

Expect emotions like resistance or discomfort. Clinical psychotherapist Marcia Bernstein suggests recognizing these feelings as part of the change process.

During your weekly check-in, follow these steps:

1. Set a Check-In Date: Choose a consistent time that works for both of you.
2. Take Stock: Review your task cards and acknowledge what’s working.
3. Re-Deal or Hold: Reassign tasks if necessary, ensuring a fair distribution.
4. Plan Ahead: Discuss upcoming events and any potential disruptions.

Remember, Fair Play is not about perfection but about staying the course and making adjustments as needed. For instance, if you forget something important once, own the mistake and correct it. This builds trust and prevents long-term resentment.

Incorporate rewards to stay motivated. Some couples enjoy a dinner, a massage, or binge-watching a favorite series after their check-in. The goal is to maintain a positive long-term outlook, ensuring a happy and fair partnership. Keep playing for fairness and enjoy the journey together!

Achieve Domestic Bliss with Fair Play: Insights from Dan Ariely

Fair Play is a home organizational system designed to help couples distribute household responsibilities fairly. Through extensive testing and interviews, common mistakes and solutions were identified to keep the system efficient. Here are the top insights:

1. CPE Break-Up: Keep Conception, Planning, and Execution of tasks with one person to avoid mismanagement.

2. RAT F*ck: Avoid Random Assignments of Tasks; pre-negotiate responsibilities during weekly check-ins.

3. CPE Double-Up: Avoid doubling up on responsibilities to ensure clear delineation and avoid missed tasks.

4. Eleventh-Hour Veto: Partners should provide input during the Planning stage and avoid last-minute changes.

5. Going Rogue: Always consult your partner during Planning, even if you hold a card they don’t value.

6. Standards Slip: Establish and adhere to a Minimum Standard of Care for tasks.

7. Blowing Down the House: Communicate feedback thoughtfully and ideally during weekly check-ins.

8. Toxic Time Messages: Stand up for your time equality and pre-negotiate how daily disruptions will be handled.

9. Believing Systems Aren’t Fun: Systemization allows for more fun and fulfillment by reclaiming time.

10. Playing by the Numbers: Play for fairness, not scorekeeping to avoid resentment.

11. Currency of Consequences: Substitute punishments with re-dealing tasks based on strengths.

12. Resentment of the Happiness Trio: Ensure both partners have equal time for adult friendships, self-care, and Unicorn Space.

13. Skipping the Values Step: Always play for value to determine what tasks are important and lighten the workload.

Additionally, reclaiming time for personal passions, or Unicorn Space, is crucial for happiness. It’s not just self-care but engaging in activities that offer deep fulfillment and can be shared with the world. Identifying, planning, and committing to these passions can lead to greater life satisfaction and health benefits.

In essence, the Fair Play system emphasizes clear communication, fair division of labor, and reclaiming personal passions to create a harmonious and fulfilling home life.

Can Fair Play Revolutionize Household Chores for Couples?

Our story begins with a mom, the author, wiping tears by the roadside over a forgotten grocery item—blueberries. It's a seemingly trivial moment that speaks volumes about the overwhelming burden of household duties many women face. This mother, once adept at managing a work department, wonders how she ended up struggling with a simple shopping list. It's a reflection of how domestic imbalances often leave women, the "she-fault" parent, drowning in responsibilities.

The author traces this imbalance to her mother's experience as a single parent, which inspired her to pursue an equal partnership with her husband, Seth. Initially, they shared career and home duties, but after children entered the picture, the scales tipped. Seth found little to do, while she grappled with an invisible workload.

Determined to address this, the author crafted a "Sh*t I Do" list, mapping out her unrewarded efforts. This evolved into the Fair Play system—a game-like approach with task cards and rules to redistribute household duties. Implementing Fair Play revolutionized their marriage, easing resentment and freeing up time for personal passions. It's a call for women to reclaim their time and for couples to pursue meaningful change.

The narrative also highlights the concept of "Unicorn Space"—time for personal interests that keep one vibrant and interesting. Josie and Ellen's stories illustrate the struggle to maintain identity amid family duties. Josie, once a scholarship skier, was sidelined by motherhood. Ellen, an interior designer, quit her job at her husband's suggestion, only to feel unfulfilled and receive a divorce request. These tales underscore the need for personal pursuits beyond parenting and partnership.

Reclaiming this "Unicorn Space" involves challenging societal norms and supporting each other's passions. It's essential for a vibrant self and enriching relationships. The Fair Play system, with its task cards, encourages couples to share domestic responsibilities fairly, leaving room for personal growth.

In essence, this is a call to action. Whether it's setting a routine for household tasks or carving out time for personal passions, the goal is to create a balanced, fulfilling life. The stakes are high, but the reward—a more harmonious and vibrant partnership—is worth it.

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Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do

Eve Rodsky

Ever wondered how to balance household chores with your partner?

Are you feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities while your partner seems to have it easy?

Want to learn about a game-changing system that ensures a fair division of tasks and introduces the concept of 'Unicorn Space' for personal passions?

Dive into the world of Fair Play, where clear communication, equitable labor, and reclaiming personal passions are key to a harmonious and fulfilling home life.

Key Ideas

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