What if parenting wasn’t about controlling your child but building trust, empathy, and independence? Are you ready to see your child as a capable, whole person and nurture their confidence, creativity, and emotional resilience? With insights from Magda Gerber, Bev Bos, and even Attachment Theory, discover how respectful parenting transforms everyday moments—from diaper changes to tantrums—into opportunities for connection and growth. 

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

Years ago, Janet Lansbury, the author, had a revelation that transformed her approach to parenting: her three-month-old baby wasn't just a needy infant; she was a whole person with her own mind and needs. 

Attending a RIE parenting class, Janet placed her baby on a blanket, and for two hours, she lay there peaceful, alert, and self-assured. This moment opened Janet's eyes to the idea that infants, though dependent, deserve the same respect as adults. By viewing babies as capable and intelligent, they respond accordingly, participating in life and communication.

Parenting is about building relationships, teaching appropriate behavior, and fostering a sense of security and confidence. Our interactions with children shape their understanding of love and intimacy. Listening to their feelings—without rushing or invalidating them—strengthens our connection. Distraction and manipulation, often used to avoid being the "bad guy," don't teach appropriate behavior and can damage trust. True connection is built through honesty, empathy, and acknowledging their experiences.

Diaper changes are a profound opportunity for intimacy. At the Pikler Institute, caregivers handle these moments with respect and gentleness, transforming a mundane task into a bonding experience. By slowing down, asking for cooperation, and treating the child as a partner, we build a relationship founded on trust and respect.

Grief, even in its simplest form like the absence of a parent, is an authentic feeling that children must be allowed to express. When Trevor's mother left the room, he cried, but acknowledging his feelings helped him calm down. Suppressing emotions leads to unresolved grief and can diminish joy in life. By allowing children to express their feelings naturally, we guide them toward healthy emotional release, teaching them that loss is survivable and their emotions are valid.

Acknowledging feelings—whether it’s your child’s desire, frustration, or sadness—fosters trust, emotional intelligence, and language development. It's a simple yet powerful tool that affirms their experiences and encourages them to share openly. This approach not only nurtures a child's emotional health but also deepens our bond, making them feel understood, accepted, and deeply loved.

Can Embracing RIE Principles Transform Your Parenting and Deepen Your Connection with Your Child?

Magda Gerber famously said, "The word sleep wakes up even the sleepiest baby," and while it might sound exaggerated, recent studies affirm that infants are indeed incredibly perceptive. They pick up on our words, feelings, and attitudes, sometimes resisting anything that feels like an agenda. 

Gerber suggested using 'rest' instead of 'sleep' to avoid any negative connotations associated with sleep. Babies sense our pity, anticipation of a battle, or impatience, making it hard for them to relax and fall asleep.

Babies are hypersensitive and easily overstimulated. They absorb everything around them, often becoming overtired and cranky. Observing their signs of fatigue, like slowing down or appearing dazed, helps catch the sleep wave early. Routine is crucial for babies as they develop habits based on what they know. These habits can be challenging to change, requiring communication and respect.

Instead of 'sleep training', consider it 'un-training'. Create a communicative and trusting relationship, informing babies of changes, and supporting their feelings. Establishing a calm bedtime routine helps babies let go of their day's stimulation and anticipate sleep.

Sitting babies up can restrict their movement and delay natural motor development. Magda Gerber, inspired by Dr. Emmi Pikler's research, advocated for allowing infants to explore movements on their own. Premature sitting can prevent them from naturally discovering sitting, rolling, or crawling, possibly skipping milestones. Babies build self-confidence through self-directed movement, not rushed achievements.

To nurture a child's focus, minimize entertainment and stimulation. Babies need uninterrupted time to explore their surroundings and avoid TV for the first two years. Create a safe environment with simple toys and objects. Observing without interrupting helps develop concentration. Allowing babies to choose their activities fosters engagement and strengthens their attention span.

Infants play from a tender age, engaging in self-directed play that builds cognitive skills. Babies are fascinated by every detail of the world. Giving them freedom to explore and play independently fosters creativity and problem-solving. Our role is to provide a safe space with simple objects, encouraging active learning.

Preparing children for routine events like doctor visits or haircuts can make them enjoyable experiences. By informing them about what's going to happen, babies feel secure and involved. This honest preparation leads to active participation and a positive attitude towards these experiences. Treating babies as whole people capable of understanding fosters cooperation and trust.

Magda Gerber's Wisdom: Rethinking Baby Sleep and Development

Parenting unveils a whole new level of "needy," as Magda Gerber suggested. Often, as babies near their first birthday, they become more aware of separation from parents, leading to clinginess, especially during developmental milestones or changes, like walking or a new sibling on the way. This can be frustrating, but encouraging autonomy is key. 

Gerber emphasized seeing babies as dependent, not helpless, fostering "basic trust" in their capabilities. By allowing babies to spend time exploring on their own, we plant the seeds of independence. This doesn’t eliminate separation anxiety, but it helps lessen it.

Parents often find themselves in scenarios where their baby cries when they leave the room, even if left with another parent. This might not always mean the baby is in desperate need, but rather expressing their developing will. Encouraging autonomy helps, but so does managing our reactions. Overreacting can make babies feel incapable. Instead, try acknowledging their feelings and waiting to see if they persevere.

Confident separations help too. Leaving with assurance, rather than sneaking away, builds trust. If your child cries, acknowledge it without judgment, and ensure the remaining caregiver supports their feelings. This builds secure attachments, as highlighted by John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory.

Clinginess is natural and should be accepted. Parents need to set limits, but also allow children to cling when necessary. Release expectations and let children be close when they need to be, trusting that this phase will pass.

Gerber's philosophy also champions the power of waiting. Waiting encourages children to develop skills and solve problems independently. For instance, when a child struggles with a task, waiting and observing can lead to breakthroughs in their abilities and confidence. This approach nurtures self-reliance and problem-solving skills.

In a classroom setting, this philosophy was put to the test when a toddler struggled with a jar. Adults were cautioned not to intervene, allowing the child to succeed on her own eventually. Such experiences highlight the importance of allowing children to face challenges and discover solutions independently.

Play is another crucial aspect of development. Children often use play as a form of self-therapy to process emotions and events. By providing a safe, stimulating environment and stepping back, we allow children to direct their play, fostering creativity and emotional processing.

Common myths about independent play can hinder this development. Contrary to some beliefs, even infants can engage in self-directed play if given the opportunity. A safe, secure play space free from constant adult intervention allows children to explore and learn at their own pace. While it's essential to engage with your children, stepping back and allowing them to lead their play builds independence and confidence.

Ultimately, fostering independence in children involves balancing encouragement with the freedom to explore, solve problems, and play on their own. Trusting in their capabilities and allowing them the space to grow leads to more confident, capable, and happy children.

Can Magda Gerber's Wisdom on Parenting Solve the Mystery of Clingy Babies?

As new parents, feeding our babies often starts with the basics of breast or bottle-feeding, then transitions to introducing solids. But fostering healthy eating habits is equally crucial. 

Infant specialist Magda Gerber's advice can guide us in establishing positive behaviors early on. Creating a relaxed, intimate feeding time without distractions helps babies focus on the experience, fostering their ability to signal fullness and preventing emotional eating. A study showed breastfed children are better at recognizing fullness and have lower BMI compared to bottle-fed peers, highlighting the importance of tuning in to your child's cues.

When introducing solids, small portions can prevent overwhelming your child and encourage them to signal for more. Allowing babies to sit without high chairs promotes independence and lets them leave the table when done, rather than waiting to be removed from a highchair. Encourage sitting while eating to prevent choking and instill good manners. Keep activities separate to help delineate meals from playtime, and model healthy eating habits. Remember, children may not always eat as expected, so stay calm and consult a doctor if needed.

Encouraging toddlers to talk isn't about constant chatter but about quality interaction. Magda Gerber’s approach emphasizes two-way communication from the start, using authentic voice and first person. Engage in meaningful conversations and read responsively, letting children lead. Slow down and be patient as language development follows each child's unique timeline. Avoid testing or correcting too much—babbling is talking, and corrections can be discouraging. Instead, acknowledge their communication efforts, fostering trust and making you their favorite confidant.

Creativity thrives when children have the freedom to explore without adult interference. Bev Bos advises never to draw for a child, allowing them to follow their intuition and express themselves. Creativity is innate and requires courage to follow intuition. Encouraging free play without judgment keeps the creative lines open, fostering a child’s powerful instinct to please us while trusting their inner voice.

Sportscasting, a term coined by Magda Gerber, involves nonjudgmental verbalization of children's struggles, allowing them to learn from experiences without adult intervention. By sportscasting, we empower children to resolve conflicts independently, fostering resilience and self-confidence. Children learn best through experiential learning, understanding situations, and developing social intelligence.

Toddlers often struggle with sharing, a concept they don't fully grasp yet. Instead of forcing them to share, model generosity and patiently trust that they will learn in time. Magda Gerber encourages letting children resolve conflicts themselves, enhancing social learning experiences. By not intervening unnecessarily, we prevent making 'share' a bad word, allowing children to develop empathy naturally.

Magda Gerber's Guide to Nurturing Baby Brilliance and Independence

Potty training is often approached with quick fixes, but real success lies in respecting the child's natural readiness. It's not about manipulating with rewards; it's about supporting a child's journey to autonomy. Readiness encompasses physical, cognitive, and emotional factors. Children indicate readiness, prompting parents to provide a supportive environment without pressure. Patience and acceptance are key, fostering trust and confidence in children.

Discipline for toddlers isn't about punishment; it's about understanding their cries for attention and setting firm, consistent limits. Magda Gerber emphasized that discipline is essential, not neglect. Parents should cultivate a predictable environment and respond calmly, like a CEO, to misbehavior. Direct communication, without gimmicks like time-outs, encourages understanding and cooperation. Consequences should be natural, not disconnected punishments, and emotional expressions should be allowed without judgment.

Boundaries can be confusing for parents, especially those who value trust and empathy but struggle with setting limits. It's important to balance freedom with boundaries to create security for children. Parents should confidently establish boundaries, accepting children's reactions, and considering their point of view. Authentic communication and leadership can transform challenging behaviors into opportunities for growth.

Toddlers crave clear direction and truthful communication. They need to feel secure with parents who aren't afraid of their reactions to limits. Discipline should be a partnership, not a battle. Calm, patient responses provide the security toddlers need, allowing them to express feelings without fear.

Successful discipline hinges on perceiving children as sentient beings deserving of respect. Treat them as people, not objects to manipulate. Quality time includes setting limits and handling resistance with empathy. Embracing the professional hat of parenting during difficult moments fosters deep connections, offering leadership and helping children to comply with rules and boundaries.

Ultimately, discipline and boundaries are gifts of love, essential for nurturing healthy, self-confident children who respect and are respected by others. By shifting perceptions of discipline from negative to positive, parents and children can enjoy a more harmonious relationship.

Can Magda Gerber's Approach to Discipline Transform Your Toddler's Behavior?

Janet Lansbury, the author, grew up with a mother who seemed perfect—a beacon of love and laughter adored by all, especially her children and grandchildren. Yet, her mother had one notable shortcoming: an inability to handle Janet’s emotions. This realization struck Janet during a phone call that left her in a panic for five days after her mother abruptly hung up. It was a familiar fear, one rooted in her childhood, where expressing anger felt forbidden. 

Now, as a parent, Janet strives to embrace her own children’s emotions, including their anger, reassuring them that it’s always okay to be mad at her. By repairing mistakes with sincerity—saying, “I’m sorry I lost my patience”—Janet believes parents can earn valuable points in their journey of raising emotionally healthy children.

Thornton Wilder once wrote, “Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me.” For Janet, this quote encapsulates a fundamental truth: what children desire most is genuine, undivided attention. She recalls a moment with her ten-year-old daughter, who resisted taking a bath until Janet offered to wash her hair. This simple act of focused attention spoke volumes. 

Similarly, when her nine-year-old daughter began acting out at school, Janet eventually realized it was a cry for attention—a plea she had overlooked while caring for a newborn. Once she made time for her daughter to express all her emotions, the child’s sense of safety was restored. Janet’s reflections highlight the value of simple, meaningful moments of connection, whether joyful or challenging.

Janet observes that yelling has become something of a parenting epidemic, often likened to “the new spanking.” Many well-meaning parents, determined to establish respectful boundaries, find themselves succumbing to frustration and a sense of lost control. 

Janet suggests that if a parent finds themselves yelling, it’s worth examining a few key factors: Are they neglecting self-care? Overreacting to emotions? Setting unrealistic expectations? Parenting, she emphasizes, isn’t about avoiding struggle but about leading calmly through it. When children resist, Janet advises parents to acknowledge their feelings while maintaining boundaries with empathy. She reminds parents that almost all challenging behavior is a cry for help. Understanding this can often eliminate the need to yell entirely.

Many parents have asked Janet whether it’s too late to adopt respectful parenting practices with older children. Her answer is always the same: it’s never too late. Drawing inspiration from Magda Gerber’s approach, Janet advocates for trusting in children’s competence, letting them make choices, and accepting their feelings without judgment. 

By encouraging inner-directedness and allowing children to learn at their own pace, parents can foster a lifelong bond of trust and understanding. Janet believes that embracing a child’s full range of emotions—even the darkest ones—builds a foundation for connection and resilience, regardless of the child’s age.

Embracing the Storm: A Parenting Revolution Inspired by Thornton Wilder & Magda Gerber

Parenting is fundamentally about recognizing and respecting the individuality and capabilities of children, even from infancy. This approach emphasizes the importance of seeing children as whole persons with their own emotions, needs, and intelligence. 

Building a relationship based on respect and trust nurtures their emotional health and fosters secure attachments. By acknowledging children's feelings, rather than dismissing or manipulating them, we strengthen their emotional intelligence and language development, enhancing our bond with them.

Routine and consistency are crucial, providing children with a sense of security and predictability. Encouraging autonomy and independence is vital, allowing children to explore and develop problem-solving skills without undue adult intervention. This includes letting them play independently, which nurtures creativity and concentration. Discipline should be about setting firm, consistent boundaries, not punishment, allowing space for children to express emotions while guiding them to understand and comply with limits. 

Feeding and sleeping routines should be approached calmly and respectfully, tuning into children's cues without pressure or distractions, fostering healthy habits and trust. The process of learning and development is enhanced by allowing children to face challenges and solve problems independently. Emotional expressions, including grief or anger, should be validated, helping children process and release feelings healthily. 

Ultimately, parenting is a balance of offering guidance while allowing freedom, fostering a child's self-confidence and independence, and nurturing a secure, trusting relationship. It's never too late to adopt respectful parenting practices, as embracing a child's emotions builds a foundation for resilience and lifelong connection.

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Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

Janet Lansbury

7 Key ideas

19 MINS

What if parenting wasn’t about controlling your child but building trust, empathy, and independence?

Are you ready to see your child as a capable, whole person and nurture their confidence, creativity, and emotional resilience?

With insights from Magda Gerber, Bev Bos, and even Attachment Theory, discover how respectful parenting transforms everyday moments—from diaper changes to tantrums—into opportunities for connection and growth.