Curious about the stark contrast between French and American parenting styles? Ever wondered why French children seem more well-behaved and patient? Would you like to learn how an American mother navigated her journey into French motherhood and parenting? Can the French way of parenting help raise happier and more resilient children? Dive in to unravel these intriguing questions!

Bringing Up Bébé

When Pamela, the author, was laid off from her job as a foreign correspondent for a New York newspaper, it was unexpectedly liberating for her. She was free from the relentless grind of global journalism and finally had the opportunity to reassess her priorities. She decided she wanted two things: to stop writing about politics and money, and to find a boyfriend.

Her wish was granted when she reconnected with Simon, a British journalist she had met in Buenos Aires. Despite the geographical challenges, their relationship blossomed, and she found herself moving to Paris to be with him.

Life in Paris was a whirlwind of change. Pamela was suddenly immersed in a new culture, grappling with the language, and adjusting to a new way of life. She was also struck by the indifference of Parisians, a stark contrast to the warmth and familiarity of New York.

Pamela and Simon married in a thirteenth-century château outside of Paris. They settled into a larger apartment and started talking about starting a family. Much to her surprise, she became pregnant quite quickly.

Pregnancy was a time of joy but also a time of anxiety. In her quest to do everything perfectly, Pamela found herself constantly worrying about diet and safety. She became obsessed with pregnancy websites, books, and forums, and she was overwhelmed by the conflicting advice they offered.

Despite the challenges, being pregnant in Paris was a unique experience. It was a relief not to be constantly judged and to be able to navigate this journey in her own way. As her belly grew, Pamela found herself waiting for a child, waiting for a new chapter in her life to begin.

Unexpected Love Story and a New Life in Paris

Pamela's new apartment wasn’t the postcard Paris. Nestled in a busy Chinese garment district, it was far from the iconic Eiffel Tower or the serene river Seine. Yet, it was home. The social rules there were different, it was okay to banter with servers, but not with fellow patrons. Pamela learnt it the hard way when an attempted conversation with a café regular ended in a snide remark. 

Pamela's neighbors were a mixed bunch of artists, young professionals, mysteriously underemployed folks, and elderly women. They were so close-knit that ignoring each other was almost impossible. Her neighbor, Anne, was a few months pregnant like Pamela. But their approaches to pregnancy differed widely. 

Frenchwomen, like Anne, don't treat pregnancy like an independent research project. There are parenting books and websites, but they aren't treated as must-reads. Instead, they project calm and don't renounce pleasure. For instance, a feature in a French magazine showed a heavily pregnant woman indulging in pastries. 

Pamela met Samia, a neighborhood resident, who proudly showed Pamela pictures of her glamorous pregnancy. The French ethos seem to be that becoming a mother shouldn’t make you any less of a woman. Indeed, French women are calmer about sex and food during pregnancy. Samia humorously recounted her obstetrician encouraging her to enjoy oysters and sushi. 

French women generally don’t make a fuss about food restrictions. They have a sensible approach to distinguishing between potentially damaging and dangerous foods. Caroline, another pregnant woman Pamela met, enjoyed steak tartare and foie gras, only ensuring she consumed it at good restaurants or at home. 

The French pregnancy press advocates serenity over dwelling on worst-case scenarios. This seems to work well as France tops America on most measures of maternal and infant health. 

In France, the way you give birth doesn’t define the sort of parent you’ll be. It is, for the most part, a way of getting your baby safely from your uterus into your arms. Even the earthiest French woman had epidurals at each delivery. 

When Pamela's contractions began, she declared in her clearest French, "Je voudrais une péridurale!" (I would like an epidural). Her very medicated, very pleasant birth occured as the sun was rising. Her newborn daughter looked exactly like her husband, Simon. They named her, but mostly they just called her Bean.

Pamela stayed in the hospital for six days, which is standard French practice. Newborns in France come with a carnet de santé, a guidebook that follows the child until age eighteen, recording every checkup and vaccination. 

Memoirs of a Mom-to-Be: A Glimpse into Pregnancy, the French Way

New parents often find themselves overwhelmed by the constant demands of their young children, particularly the lack of sleep and the constant need for attention. However, according to the French philosophy of parenting, these challenges can be managed with a simple principle: patience. 

In France, parents believe in the importance of teaching their children the skill of patience from a very young age. Children are taught to adapt to the rhythm of the family, getting used to eating meals in courses and at fixed times, and learning to play by themselves. 

French parents also don’t rush to attend to their children at the first sign of distress. They practice "The Pause", waiting for a few minutes before responding to their baby's cries, to see if the child can self-soothe. This practice begins when the baby is just a few weeks old and is thought to help babies learn to connect their sleep cycles and wake up less during the night.

Interestingly, French parenting aligns well with findings from American sleep research. American sleep researchers agree that teaching babies to sleep through the night is a skill that can be taught from a young age, without the baby having to cry it out. They also concur that having a routine and fixed mealtimes can help regulate a child's sleep patterns, and that children who can wait and delay gratification are generally happier and more resilient.

Indeed, teaching children to wait and be patient is seen as a vital part of their development in France. French parents believe that learning to cope with the word "no" is a crucial step in a child's evolution as it forces them to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs as powerful as their own. 

So, while we may look at French babies and marvel at their ability to sleep through the night or wait patiently for their meals, it's important to remember that these skills didn't develop overnight. They are the result of consistent and deliberate parenting strategies that prioritise patience and self-soothing. By incorporating some of these techniques into our own parenting, we may just find that our babies can do their nights, eat at regular times, and generally be more patient and happy.

Can the French Philosophy of Parenting Teach Your Baby to Sleep Through the Night?

Pamela and her family began their journey into French child-rearing techniques by enrolling their one-and-a-half-year-old, Bean, in a local swimming class called "Babies in the Water". 

Expecting structured lessons, they were surprised to find a free-form approach to learning, focusing on discovery and sensation rather than skill acquisition. This approach was a stark contrast to the American mindset of pushing children to hit developmental milestones as quickly as possible. 

French parents, influenced by thinkers like Jean-Jacques Rousseau, believe in letting children awaken naturally to experiences rather than rushing them through developmental milestones. This philosophy extends to various aspects of child-rearing, where French parents are less competitive and more about enjoying the moment.

The French approach also values the importance of setting firm boundaries within which children are given the freedom to explore and learn independently. This balance of freedom and discipline is seen in French day-care centers, or crèches, where children are given the freedom to play and discover within a structured environment. 

The crèches provide a structured yet flexible environment where kids learn through play, patience, and social interactions. They enjoye nutritious, multi-course meals, reinforcing the idea that mealtime is a learning experience too.

Pamela's daughter, Bean, flourished in this setting, despite initial doubts and cultural differences. The experience allowed Bean to socialize, explore, and learn at her own pace, and it gave Pamela an appreciation of the French approach to child-rearing. This experience proves that, while cultures may differ significantly in their approaches to parenting and education, there's always something valuable to learn from each other.

Awakening and Discovery: An American Family's Journey through the French Childcare System

Adjusting to the culture of Parisian motherhood proved to be a challenge for Pamela. While she successfully befriended the local crèche and started to learn the names of the children, she struggled to build connections with the other mothers.

Moms at the crèche barely acknowledged her, and even after a year, none knew her or her child’s name. The playground wasn't much better. The few Canadian and Australian mothers she met were open, but the French moms remained aloof. 

The French mothers intrigued her. They always seemed impeccably dressed and calm, never shouting or showing signs of fatigue. In contrast, American moms, herself included, often appeared frazzled. French women seemed to manage motherhood with an air of grace and self-possession she found both frustrating and fascinating.

Breastfeeding highlighted another cultural divide. In America, breastfeeding was a badge of honor, a competitive sport among mothers. In France, it was less common, with many mothers switching to formula early on. Some Frenchwomen saw breastfeeding as burdensome or even unfashionable. Despite this, French children were just as healthy, if not healthier, than their American counterparts.

French mothers also had a unique approach to post-baby body image. They were expected to regain their figures within three months. This pressure was not just about appearance but also a reflection of French values, where a woman’s identity as a mother didn’t negate her identity as a woman. Unlike many American mothers who might wear the “mom” role and its associated wardrobe as a badge of sacrifice, French mothers retained their femininity and sex appeal.

In Paris, the idea of “concerted cultivation” was less intense. French parents believed in giving their kids some independence and not overscheduling their lives with activities. Unlike in the United States, where kids’ schedules could be as packed as a CEO’s, French children were often left to their own devices, encouraged to entertain themselves and develop autonomy.

The French approach to guilt was another revelation. While American mothers often burdened themselves with guilt over not being perfect, French mothers rejected this mindset. They acknowledged their imperfections and moved on, aiming for balance rather than perfection. They believed that it was unhealthy for children to be the sole focus of their mothers’ lives.

Even in the face of societal pressures to be sexy, successful, and nurturing, French mothers managed to maintain a semblance of balance. They worked, took care of their families, and still found time for themselves, all while dismissing the notion of the “perfect mother.” This approach, though not without its own challenges, offered Pamela a refreshing perspective on motherhood and womanhood.

Are French Moms Superior? Unveiling the Fascinating Differences Between American and French Motherhood

At three years old, Bean started exclaiming "caca boudin," which translates to "poop sausage." This phrase became her all-purpose retort for everything from expressing joy to dismissing questions. Her parents, unsure whether to be amused or concerned, eventually told her to stop saying it. Bean’s compromise was to continue using it while acknowledging it was a "bad word."

Bean’s French education at a public preschool, école maternelle, immersed her in French culture and language. The school focused on socialization, empathy, and creativity rather than early reading. This cultural immersion began to shape Bean into a little French person, something her parents had mixed feelings about.

Through Bean, Pamela observed that French children learned to "observe, ask questions, and make their interrogations increasingly rational." They were being trained to think clearly and critically—skills that even French philosophers and intellectuals had honed in preschool.

The French preschool experience involved learning social codes, like the importance of saying bonjour (hello) and au revoir (goodbye). These greetings were seen as essential markers of good upbringing and were drilled into children from a young age. Bean, initially resistant, gradually started understanding and adopting these customs, highlighting the cultural differences she was absorbing.

Bean’s bilingualism was a source of pride and occasional confusion. Her parents, who spoke English at home, watched as Bean navigated both languages, sometimes mixing them up amusingly. Her French accent and expressions infiltrated their household, blending their American and French lives.

The narrative took a turn when Pamela, longing for another child, faced fertility challenges. After trying various treatments, she finally got pregnant with twins. The pregnancy and birth were a mix of joy and chaos, culminating in the arrival of two boys, Joey and Leo, who brought even more complexity and love into their lives.

The arrival of the twins brought sleepless nights and the need for extra help, but also moments of humor and bonding. The family adapted to their new reality, navigating the challenges with a blend of American and French parenting styles.

Despite the exhaustion, the family found joy in small moments, like Bean’s playful linguistic mix-ups and the twins' antics. They embraced their unique cultural blend, raising their children with a mix of French politeness and American optimism, creating a rich tapestry of family life.

From 'Caca Boudin' to 'Bonjour': A Tale of Cultural Immersion and Bilingualism in a French-American Household

Despite the high divorce rates among parents of twins, Pamela and her husband, Simon, continued to navigate the early days after their twins' birth. Their bickering over household chores and lack of sleep strained their relationship. However, Pamela had an epiphany and realized their compatibility lies in their shared irritability. They managed to secure spots in a crèche for their twins, bringing hope for their relationship's survival.

Interestingly, research indicates that as "concerted cultivation" has become the norm for middle-class American parents, marital satisfaction has declined. American social scientists suggest that parents are less happy than nonparents. The solution often proffered is date nights. These are touted as a panacea for marital woes, even endorsed by social scientists and the Obamas. Yet, getting alone time as a couple is rare as we are culturally pressured to always prioritize the children's needs.

However, French couples view romance differently, maintaining their relationship's vitality even after having children. They embrace the idea of adult time after the kids' bedtime, reinforcing the importance of the couple's relationship. They believe this separation is beneficial for children, teaching them that their parents have their own lives and interests. They even have cultural practices like "perineal reeducation" to help new mothers physically and emotionally recover postpartum.

There are also subtle differences between French and American parenting styles, particularly in feeding and raising children. French parents introduce a wide array of flavors to their children early on, encouraging them to develop a varied palate and healthy eating habits. American parents, in contrast, often cater to their children's picky eating habits and feed them processed foods. 

Regardless of cultural differences, the end goal is the same: raising happy, healthy, and well-adjusted children.

Are French Parents Happier Than Their American Counterparts?

Parenting in France is different from parenting in America in several ways. French parents have an easy authority with their children, who respect boundaries and are well-behaved. 

They don't engage in constant negotiation with their children, instead, they establish clear rules and expectations. A key part of this approach is teaching children what’s permissible and what’s not, rather than simply disciplining them. 

A French neighbor instructed Pamela to be sterner with her son Leo, to ensure he understood it’s not okay to leave the sandbox. The neighbor emphasized the need for conviction in enforcing boundaries. After several attempts, Pamela succeeded in getting Leo to stay in the sandbox, demonstrating that a firm tone and conviction can effectively establish authority.

An encounter with a French nanny reinforced the importance of building a relationship of mutual respect with the child, while maintaining firm boundaries. The nanny used a technique called "the big eyes" to assert her authority without resorting to shouting or physical punishment. 

French parents create a balance between being strict about a few key things and relaxed about everything else, a concept known as 'cadre'. They believe that children can only develop character and autonomy if they respect boundaries and have self-control. 

French parents are also patient, giving their children time to comply with instructions. They view tantrums as a sign that a child is overwhelmed by their desires and does not know how to stop. By setting clear boundaries, French parents help their children manage these desires.

French Parenting: The Art of Balancing Authority and Autonomy

Pamela discovered that France offers hundreds of different sleepaway "colonies de vacances" (vacation colonies) for kids as young as four. This focus on independence and self-reliance is a central part of French parenting. The French aim to give children as much autonomy as they can handle, including physical autonomy and emotional separation, helping them build self-esteem that doesn’t depend on praise from adults. 

However, Pamela struggled with certain parts of the French emphasis on autonomy, like the school trips. She contrasted this with American parenting which tends to shield children from emotional or physical discomfort and is often more protective. 

French parents, on the other hand, trust their children to handle situations by themselves and do not intervene in playground disputes or siblings' arguments. They expect children to work out these situations on their own. 

Pamela also observed a difference in the way French teachers and parents give feedback. In the French system, teachers rarely praise children to their faces or to their parents. They focus more on the negative, looking for problems to address. Even parents, while more supportive than teachers, don't overdo the praise. They believe that too much praise could make kids addicted to positive feedback and lessen their motivation to try hard. 

Pamela found herself appreciating the benefits of the French approach to autonomy. She saw how happy her kids were when they were trusted to do things for themselves. She concluded that letting children "live their lives" is about acknowledging that they are separate and capable individuals with their own experiences of the world. 

Is French Parenting Superior? How Does Their Emphasis on Autonomy Compare to American Styles?

When Pamela Druckerman, a New York journalist, relocated to Paris for love, she plunged into a new culture and a new way of life. Soon, she was not just adjusting to being a Parisian but also to being a mother. As she navigated the thrilling and confusing journey of motherhood, she discovered the fascinating differences between American and French parenting styles.

Pamela found that French women, unlike Americans, didn't treat pregnancy as a research project. They were calmer about sex and food during pregnancy, distinguishing sensibly between potentially damaging and dangerous foods. This relaxed approach was reflected in other aspects of parenting too. French parents taught their children the skill of patience from a young age.

The French approach to parenting was also evident in their education system. French children were taught to think clearly and critically, and they were encouraged to develop at their own pace. But perhaps the most striking difference was the French parents' emphasis on autonomy. They aimed to give children as much independence as they could handle, fostering self-esteem that didn’t depend on adult praise. 

Pamela's journey into French parenting was not without its challenges. From learning to navigate the social rules of the bustling Chinese garment district where she lived, to connecting with French mothers who seemed more collected and less burdened by motherhood, Pamela faced many cultural differences. Yet, she also learned valuable lessons about balance, discipline, and autonomy.

In the end, Pamela realized that while the French parenting methods were different, they were not necessarily wrong. They offered a unique perspective on child-rearing and education that she grew to appreciate. As her children continued to grow up in France, she looked forward to navigating these challenges and learning more about French culture through their experiences.

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Bringing Up Bébé

Pamela Druckerman

Curious about the stark contrast between French and American parenting styles?

Ever wondered why French children seem more well-behaved and patient?

Would you like to learn how an American mother navigated her journey into French motherhood and parenting?

Can the French way of parenting help raise happier and more resilient children?

Dive in to unravel these intriguing questions!

Key Ideas

#1